Springing forward...

[cw68]

BBJ, I've been following your thread for a long time without posting (and a couple of others too) because our sitches were very familiar. I hesitate to post on here because mine went south, but... I think you're doing the right thing. Not just the right thing for you, but the right thing in the face of what you're facing.

Learn to breathe, to live, to grow. If Dan's with you or not, these are things you need to do. You'll feel better regardless of what's going on at the time.

[ernest88]

BBJ..my two cents...LOL and not a a 2x4 and don't take it that way.."faking it till you make it" and "acting as if" is all fine and dandy...problem is...you must be an excellent actress/actor to pull that off..and most of us..myself included are suck ass actors..so we get stuck in a place of limbo..pretty much..until we finally make a decision...either for "better or worse"

I read along...just so you know..yell when you want..i'm always around..

[BobbiJo]

Thanks all, Mike it is good to hear from you! And I hear what you are saying.

I guess I didn't explain it well, it is hard to explain. It really isn't so much 'fake it till you make it'.

A better example might be when you have had an injury, like when I tore everything in my ankle last winter.

Suddenly, you can't do everything you wanted to do, the way you always used to do it. The stubborn me fought that with my ankle for a long time. They said don't go up and down stairs; I went up and down with full laundry baskets, etc. I wanted to be able to run again but I couldn't even walk without a boot and crutches..

So there came a day I had to admit 'defeat'. It wasn't working, I couldn't force by ankle/foot to do what I wanted. So I had to re-learn within my new limitations until I could get back up to speed.

So cleaning out my bedroom, making plans, living my life without taking Dan into consideration on everything, those are things I NEED to do if I am going to move forward with my life. So I am doing them. And parts of it, like reorganizing the house, are actually fun. I am not really faking anything, I am just trying to move forward in the only way I can right now, which is without Dan.

And Ali I appreciate the suggestion but I am not anywhere close to wanting to date. I get my 'fun' in other ways. Like working the track meet allowed me to joke/flirt with the guys I was working with, but it wasn't a formal get-together. I will continue to do that kind of thing, but I am not comfortable with dating until I am no longer married, and even then I don't know what the future holds for me. But I know if I tried to go on a date just to wake Dan up that would be pointless for me and he would know it was fake....

Plus I wear my ring still, and will until I am ready to take it off, which I am not. And we haven't "come out" with our separation to anyone but immediate family--our parents and siblings. So no one would even think to 'set me up' at this point b/c they all think I am happily married... Once Dan moves into his house it will be a different story, I am sure.

[mishka422]

You sound really good BBJ. I for one didn't see what you were doing as faking it either. You are just moving on with your life, under your control, with only yourself to answer to. That's the way it should be - even inside a M! There are things we should be consulting spouses about and things that should just be our decisions for ourselves. Anyway....I'm glad to see you sounding so healthy in your decision. Quite proud of you girl!

[BobbiJo]

Just checking in, not a lot to report. H didn't call to say goodnight to the kids, which is weird for him, and I didn't call him, either. We were just fine and they didn't ask, so I didn't call.

Kids and I have been enjoying ourselves these days. We have been playing in the yard, watching movies in the evening, making whatever WE want for dinner, etc. Monday night they got to make mini pizzas w/bisciut dough for the first time. I let them put the toppings on even though it was messy and they loved it. Last night we made homemade quesadillas after both have discovered a love for them recently. Nathan looked at his plate and said "Mom did you run up to Qdoba (restaurant) and back when I wasn't looking to get these?" He was teasing but very pleased. Enjoying the simple stuff.

I also picked up a couple of "The Firm" workout DVDs last night. I am doing okay on the running, started running speed intervals to up my calorie burn and try to kick-start some weight loss. Wanting to lose ten pounds before we go to Floria in 6 1/2 weeks..Anyway these DVDs incorporate some dumb-bell work which I need to start doing again. I am not looking to date or anything but I sure as heck want to be looking hot when I decide I am ready! Seriously, the more fit I am the more confidence I feel so it is a win-win on that one.

Like I said, not much to report, just ordinary life. But that is okay with me...

[mishka422]

Sounds like a wonderful "ordinary" life BBJ! So happy for you.

[BobbiJo]

So I did a dumb-a$$ thing this afternoon, and I feel like an idiot.

I ran home at lunch to pay some bills that were due, incl. the bill for our tax preparation. I have been meaning to add up our total refund, then take off the $ we owed in Iowa (we had returns for FOUR states! ), and the money we owed for tax prep, to see what our net refund was going to be.

So anyway I decided to fire off a quick e-mail to H letting him know what the net refund was and that I would be transferring my half to my checking account once it posted in our joint account. Currently, I have my own account with all of my money in it, which I took out of the joint account. He opened his own account but has very little in it, most of his money is still in the joint account. Our tax return was e-filed to be posted into the joint account. So anyway that is why I wanted to let him know, so he wouldn't wonder where the money went when he checked the joint account....

So as I was saying, I was jotting off a quick e-mail "Here is our total refund, less expenses, it comes to $xxxx, I will be putting $yyyy into my account once it posts, fyi".

It was a strictly business email, I didn't even write "hope your trip is productive" or any of the stuff I normally write. I am trying not to go there anymore...

Well from home I cannot access my "contacts" on my work email. So to send the message from my work account, I had to reply to an old message. I recently cleaned up my work mailbox as they told us the system was full to the point of crashing. I found one random message w/H's email address on it in my "sent" folder and hit reply all, then just typed my message in the reply section so I wouldn't have to type out his work email (long address, lazy me). I figured that would be good anyway b/c reply all meant it went to him and to me, so I would have a copy of what I told him re. the tax $$.

Well I got back to work, the message was in my inbox. I skimmed it to make sure it sounded right, then noticed that (of course) the message I had hit 'reply' to was attached at the bottom of the email.

It was a "pursue-type" email from me back the first week of Feb! Talking about how I was 1000% sure I wanted us to be 'us' again, could he just take the leap and try instead of being so afraid, how things would be different, etc etc....

I swear I did not intend to rehash that, I only copied the message to use the email address. Typically I would have gone down and deleted the old message before sending it if I was just replying for the sake of using the email address. Don't know why but it never even crossed my mind.

The email title was "Tax Info" and the contents were strictly business, one paragraph stating amounts and how I was putting half in my account. Do I need to mention my "oops" or just ignore it and hope he doesn't scroll down past the new message? I just don't want him thinking it was one of those intentional accidents to make him "think". I am done with that as it was a cheeseless tunnel and I don't want him thinking I am trying that tactic again...

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((BobbiJo)))))
I think you pretend it didn't happen.

Since you changed the subject, I think it will be obvious you just replied to an old email, and didn't send the other stuff on purpose. Trying to "fix" it now would only bring more attention to it. If he brings it up, then you could say, "Sorry, I just found an email with you address, and replied."

Don't let it bother you!

[Kalni]

How about resending the mail with a note, ignore previous one, explaning the mess up?

Forget about it. It doesnt mean a thing.
K

[BobbiJo]

Thanks, guys. I know it meant nothing, I just hope he does, too. I haven't sent another one yet, I am still not sure if I should mention it or not. I don't want to draw attention to it. There is an old saying "less said sooner mended" that I am hoping applies here...

He is a busy guy and often checks emails on his phone rather than computer, so he may not even scroll down past my signature on the new part of the message...

So I think I will play ostrich at this point and see what happens