Yeah I read some of your prior threads and I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me advice. I know it must be difficult for you seeing the LBSs here pouring their heart and soul into the M when the WASs are on a tirade destroying the treasured family unit.
The pattern is the same a lot of times... the LBS becomes the WAS, and things continue the cycle... I went through it after my last D. I was the WAS (no A, just D) - and post-D we entered into a relationship for about 9 months and all of a sudden I became the LBS when she chose to leave.
This time I didn't do the pleading/begging/whatever. I was DBing before I knew what to call it. I just knew what didn't work last time.
I'm doing all the right things, pretty much by the book for the most part, although I had a couple of minor backslides. I haven't yelled/begged/pleaded. I've just stated my wishes, my goals, and my desire to make amends for my own mistakes.
It does take two... but I'm going to lose the desire, so that by the time she's left a wreck in her wake, I'm not going to be very pleased with her. Thousands of dollars that has been wasted.
I'm sure things will change after the hearing, one way or the other. Any second chance would be contingent upon a lot of things she's going to have to give up. I'd be willing to give up many of the same things in fairness, but I doubt she'd go along.
My heart is open if she returns with remorse and expresses a true willingness to do whatever it takes in terms or restitution.
Legally? Her attorney has got to be shaking her head:
A borderline mental patient who is having an A with the alcoholic next door, who has no fault that can be proven against the H, and whose name isn't on any joint asset of value, and who initiated the D.
Smart...
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
My wife picked a pretty stupid time to try to exit the marriage too, DCB. We're saddled with huge debt, the house can't be sold, and we have no assets to speak of other than its contents and my future income stream.
Yes, it is very difficult to keep reading how the WASs are giving it all up. They just don't understand what is going on. I was lucky enough to have a very strong faith that as much as I pushed it away, it was always there. I was also lucky enough to have found books, this website, and all of these friends here to help me understand. I believe most soon to be WAS do NOT have sensible friends around them to help them. That is why it falls all on the betrayed spouse as unfair as it is. If I can help share what goes on in a soon to be WAS's head, it can help with understanding and possibly help with patience and tactics. What this DB site did for me was to help me see things clearly, and to have people support me in saving my marriage. When the pull to contact the OM emerged, I came on here. It wasn't easy. I thought I loved this OM. I thought I had never loved that way before. I thought I couldn't possibly love my husband. Those feelings I got from the OM were so addictive. I knew I could call him and IMMEDIATELY get that "feel good" high. Again, I leaned on my friends here and I leaned on GOd. I remember when it got really bad and I just kept saying the "Our Father" over and over, probably 50 times, with tears running down my face, emphasizing "and lead us NOT into temptation, but deliver us from evil". Just as so many spouses here lean on GOd, the ones having the affair need to as well.
I do think you are doing the right things by not yelling/begging/pleading, and stating your desire to make amends for your mistakes. Just keep your heart open to that possibility of repairing your marriage. Yes, it takes two. Yes, she will have devastated the marriage, but if she comes to you with remorse, and satisfies your requirements, your marriage could be better than you can possibly imagine. NOt automatically, but with work and patience.
I'm sure her lawyer has seen this before. Your W is NOT thinking clearly or rationally. At least she wasn't before. When in the midst of the affair....ugh, so many stupid things are done..... I'm praying without contact with the OM, she will start to see things, and you will see that and help her get the help she needs. This may happen before the hearing, or after. But, I pray it happens.
The hearing has been postponed (W's attorney has been having family issues, and my attorney got the impression she hasn't even told W what is going on).
This morning W wasn't at work, so my assumption is that she is meeting with her attorney. Either that or OM, but I'd like to assume her attorney.
I suppose I'll know when I see what sort of behavior/attitude is shown towards me during our next contact.
D1 was at the daycare, so I got to spend some time with her this morning. She kept chewing on my sunglasses.
I'd figure W's attorney would put the fear into her and/or MIL and increase pressure to get me calmed down, and it is possible she'll attempt reconciliation only because things got too difficult.
I'm not sure how I'd answer if she told me "Can we work on the marriage?" at this point - if it came at the point of a gun basically. Any thoughts?
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
If the reality of divorce helps her to see clearly, and you love her, who cares that is how it came to be. Whatever gets her to the point of realization is what you want. Then, if she does the work, you get everything. Be careful that you aren't trying to get back at her out of anger. You will regret that.
She is not truly "coming back" if she doesn't put the work in.
When she says, "Can we work on the marriage?", that is the time to tell her what 'hard work' will need to be done. If she is only doing this because she is avoiding the legal beat down, you MAY be able to help her move to true realization with some time and effort. But, remember your list of requirements. If she asks, you take them out. If she can meet those requirements, she will start to see things and you will see the remorse then. Until she has had "no contact" you will not get anything that you need from her.
I guess what I'd be looking for is: 1. Total honesty/transparency/no contact 2. Counseling/etc. 3. Mental evaluation/whatever medicine/therapy is required
All prior to me even agreeing to stop the D.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Yep, those are the requirements. Necessary ones. If she does do some asking or coming to you, have those requirements ready. Don't make any decisions immediately. 48 hour rule. This is your marriage.
Yep, those are the requirements. Necessary ones. If she does do some asking or coming to you, have those requirements ready. Don't make any decisions immediately. 48 hour rule. This is your marriage.
Right now I'm polite, and make a bit of small talk during custody exchanges. But for the most part these are uncomfortable, and during the one on Saturday when I looked W in the eyes she was guilty acting and just looked away.
How should I be acting during these? Right now I'm dressing nice, cologne, etc. and being cheerful with D1. Right now just acting like I could care less about W, and I think this bothers her. Being nice hasn't had any sort of impact in the past, just invited her to act less nice towards me. Acting cheerful/etc. seems impossible when she has been doing what she has been doing.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
