WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 7

[confusedinpa]

Now I understand what the issue is and am working on me so that we can work on it.

What is the issue?

You are working on you for yourself.

The issue between us was/is communication. Both of us would try and jump into each other's mind and assume how/what each of us felt and thought. This lead to many wrong assumptions. On my side I thought I was doing everything that she wanted and on her side she felt she told me enough for me to realize what she wanted.

A clear example is how she wanted me to get up earlier on the weekends (during the week I was leaving for work at 4:30 AM so I was sleeping in until 11 - noon on the weekends). She said she would tell me that she wanted me to get up earlier. I would then tell her that I would get up an hour earlier and she would say that would be better. I would get up earlier and after 2-3 months, she would complain again. I would get up an hour earlier and she would again say that would be better. Then the cycle would repeat. Apparently, every weekend she would be resentful/angry in the mornings until I got up.

In hindsight, when she brought up the issue, either I should have asked what time she wanted me to get up or she should have said an hour earlier is not good enough and that she wanted me to get up at 6:30 AM with the boys like she was. This is where we both owned the problem of communication.

Because she didn't feel that her needs were met, she felt unloved/unlovable, unimportant, etc. This lead to her resentment and anger.

She said that she felt that I was not as developed as her emotionally. She said I was like a 12 year old emotionally

She feels like she is "mothering" you. Not attractive to a female. She doesn't need another child she needs her man, partner, friend, lover and husband. Note I didn't say you were a emotional 12 yr old but your W "feels" that way. Change her feelings about that.

She had said that in the past, where she felt that she had 3 boys in the house. I didn't understand what that meant until now. Oddly, in the "Love without Hurt" book, it talks about how the things that attracted her originally wind up being the very things that hurt her as resentment/anger builds up. Some of the things she "liked" about me was that I was playful, funny, ambitous, take charge type of guy. She thought I was very stable and would make a good father. So now, when I'm playful with my kids, she thought I was being childish. As I was ambitious and actively pursued my career to the point where I more than doubled my income in the last 5 years, she felt the job was more important than her. When I would take charge, she now feels I was controlling and not including her in the decisions.

So these are the things I'm aware of now. I need to still be those things, but also be aware of when it triggers hurt to her core value and not let it build into resentment, as well as not hurt her core valuse to begin with....

So much to learn....