Yes, it is very difficult to keep reading how the WASs are giving it all up. They just don't understand what is going on. I was lucky enough to have a very strong faith that as much as I pushed it away, it was always there. I was also lucky enough to have found books, this website, and all of these friends here to help me understand. I believe most soon to be WAS do NOT have sensible friends around them to help them. That is why it falls all on the betrayed spouse as unfair as it is. If I can help share what goes on in a soon to be WAS's head, it can help with understanding and possibly help with patience and tactics. What this DB site did for me was to help me see things clearly, and to have people support me in saving my marriage. When the pull to contact the OM emerged, I came on here. It wasn't easy. I thought I loved this OM. I thought I had never loved that way before. I thought I couldn't possibly love my husband. Those feelings I got from the OM were so addictive. I knew I could call him and IMMEDIATELY get that "feel good" high. Again, I leaned on my friends here and I leaned on GOd. I remember when it got really bad and I just kept saying the "Our Father" over and over, probably 50 times, with tears running down my face, emphasizing "and lead us NOT into temptation, but deliver us from evil". Just as so many spouses here lean on GOd, the ones having the affair need to as well.
I do think you are doing the right things by not yelling/begging/pleading, and stating your desire to make amends for your mistakes. Just keep your heart open to that possibility of repairing your marriage. Yes, it takes two. Yes, she will have devastated the marriage, but if she comes to you with remorse, and satisfies your requirements, your marriage could be better than you can possibly imagine. NOt automatically, but with work and patience.
I'm sure her lawyer has seen this before. Your W is NOT thinking clearly or rationally. At least she wasn't before. When in the midst of the affair....ugh, so many stupid things are done..... I'm praying without contact with the OM, she will start to see things, and you will see that and help her get the help she needs. This may happen before the hearing, or after. But, I pray it happens.
