After another evening of excrutiating talking....husband says he feels numb..and that he feels that this is going in the direction of divorce whether we think it is or not...I said i am also numb but not ready to say we are ready for a divorce...we talked at length about how I have made him feel badly about himself over the years and he has just been "doing what he thought he was supposed to do".. and I asked him "how could that have been making you happy?" and he said it hadnt'been....so i told him it was no wonder he had ignored me all those years...and i admitted ( rather painfully) that there was a part of me that felt he hasnt been enough for me, which he always interprets as sexually..We talked about me going on the website again and i told him that part of me was actually grateful that i had done it b/c it opened my eyes up to things I didnt realize I like sexually.. which he thinks i would have found that out eventually, but i wouldnt have b/c we did not try new things..I told him i was very sorry that it hurt him and i knew i was wrong.. and that i know that there were other ways for me to "feel better" like i did when i went on there.. BUt i also told him that i was not going to apologize for wanting more in bed.. as painful as it is for him.
He said he didnt know how to feel.. he was just numb . HE keeps throwing it out at me that he knows that a divorce is what i want..( mainly last night b/c i came home from ball practice not upset about our conversation on the phone) I told him i have cried so much over the past 2 months that it just seems pointless to cry..
I said although i feel numb also and I also see divorce as a possible outcome.. im not ready to say that is what i want..we have been married too long and have 2 beatiful kids and feel we owe it to each other and the kids to try to move past this somehow..we will obviously have to become different kinds of people.. HE says that i have always been bitter.. and i probably have.. i wonder if it has been b/c early on i felt he was not who i thought i wanted him to be.. I told him that i realize i have to work on my personal happiness.. thus what i am doing so far.. but he also has to work on his issues.. ( which he feels are not really pertinant) or feels they are a result of me.. which i dont think is fair, and then somewhere in this process we have to "date" each other again..
This is an example of our communication problems..he says he always tried to be nice to me he bought me flowers over the years and i had said they were nice.. but also at one point said they were a waste of money.. I KNOW IT SOUNDS BITCHY!... but i am not a flowers and candy kind of person.. and he never noticed it.. i told him that it didnt impress me to stop and buy flowers.. what would have impressed me was to have him get up one morning w/ the kids so i could have slept in.. or take them by himsefl so i could shop one day by myself.. but it was easier for him to buy the flowers and that is what he liked to do so i should have been happy w/ that... he didnt get that whole discussion..That was just one of many episodes we talked about..
This seems like such a daunting thing hanging over our heads.. we both are now numb to one another, he is angry over my online affair and I am saddled w/ severe indecision and personal unhappiness..my god how do you find the ability to even start trying? I feel like i can barely talk w/ him its so painful..
