I've tried to leave her alone for a while. We did need to take care of some financial and logistical matters, so we ended up talking. It began with anger and accusations, mostly from me as related to the EA. But while we never really able to actually sit down and talk calmly about things, she was able to more clearly express what had been making her so upset. For whatever reason, these never fully made it from her into me before, or I never appreciated how significant the problems were. I take ownership of part of these problems, and I've re-cast them here in terms of things that I need to work on, rather than recounting the specific details on when and where I failed:
I didn't allow her to feel free to express her emotions. She would come home upset from work, and I would try and come up with solutions to the problem. By doing this, I was acting condescending towards her, implying that she wasn't able to solve the problem on her own. What I should have done is sympathize and support her. My help isn't always needed everywhere. Other people are perfectly able to solve their own problems, and sometimes all that's needed is a loving ear, not answers.
I didn't express my feeling towards her. I love her more than anything. I think she is beautiful and wonderful and brilliant and an extraordinary person. But, I never said that. I assumed that it was clear how I felt, and that I could convey my feelings in how I acted towards her and by doing things for her. It would have been clearer and more meaningful to have also just said that this is how I feel. Doing things to 'make her life easier' wasn't a way of making it clear how I loved her, it actually did the opposite by implying that she couldn't take care of herself.
I made too many assumptions. I guessed at how she felt or made assumptions on what she would say or how she would respond to things. This kept me from saying things that I should have said. This includes assuming that she knew how much I loved her. This also includes assuming that I knew when she would say yes or no to things, which led me to not ask, which led her to believe that I didn't care. Assuming things about how other people feel or will act is arrogant and insensitive.
I didn't build my own life. Instead of going out and finding new friends and things that interested me, I always wanted to be with her. As she worked longer hours and had some divergent interests, that left me sitting and sulking and her feeling pressured and guilty. I need to recognize that spending some time apart and doing separate things is perfectly healthy. As part of that, I need to get out there and find things that I enjoy.
I told her that I understand how this made her feel, and that I'm sorry for this. I also stated my belief that even though everyone has a way of seeing one side at a time, the reality is that the past ten years of our relationships has a mix of both low points, as we've seen here, and also plenty of high points, and that we both truly loved each other. Maybe not all the time, and maybe not at the end when things were unraveling around her, but we definitely did have a special love.
So I understand that we can never go back to where we were. That time has too much hurt and pain. But I believe that with time we can both forgive and take the many good things we did have and build something new and better. Not now, not next month, but when we're both ready.
We can cast this in whatever terms fit, I guess. I suppose given the errors I've made, expressing this level of emotion to her is a 180 for me. Detaching is very hard for me. We have no children, and so we don't have any reason to cross paths except when we actively plan something out specifically so we can meet. As a result, I'm so afraid that we'll just drift apart from the lack of contact. I suppose there is some middle ground, where we need to evolve to a relationship where we can meet as friends and where she can see in actions and not just words how I actually am willing and able to change. How we get there from here, I don't know.
This is so hard and I am so unbelievably sad. I have always been a happy person, and people have always told me how laid back and funny I am. Now, I cry all the time, I'm so sad, and even though I've gotten to the point where I can start spelling out the issues, like I have here, I really don't know where I'm going and what's happening. It's all unraveling and I'm so terrified and sad.
I just want us to try. I know she's been trying before on her own to make things okay, but I want to try together. I really think we can do it. We just have to get to the point of trying.
