Still here... (#61)

[fb2]

"Fantasies of H1? Noooo, you got me wrong. No such thing. No regrets there, maybe a few regarding my "shortsightness" (sp?). Nothing else."
K, I meant this in the context of how we might think that if we did such-and-such or not passed up some 'opportunity' the grass would be greener for us. The reality is that H is now your H and realistically you have a fighting chance at this.

[AliSuddenly]

"Love the one you're with", isnt that the phrase? I wish I had learnt that earlier in life.

Thinking of you... today, Venus, Mars, Uranus and the Moon all conjoin in Pisces.. its a momumentous day!!!! I've been awake since 7am.. had sudden visions, just sketched all the pieces for my degree show.. I hope you have some kind of important breakthrough yourself somehow today xxx

[Kalni]

Ok, fb2. But I am not thinking of my "greener grass". I am not that type. H is now my H and the father of my children and I am very aware of that.

kat, I have told/written to him almost everything I need IN DETAIL as "I need you to compliment me (my 2nd love language), hug me, kiss me (1st LL), make time for me(3rd LL), etc etc in detail. I have sent at least 3-4 similar letters to him. Everytime he says he understands, he feels I have the right to want these things and then...nothing.

So no, I am not going to bite your head off, it's just that I tried what you suggested.

I am very proud of myself for not starting any dark convos. I did say things that sounded that I am not including him in my future plans like vacation etc but that didnt happen on purpose. When I realised it I tried to cover it up but I know he noticed. Also when I refused to spend time with his sister's family I exlpained that I dont want anybody getting the wrong idea as long as we have not yet decided what we do with our marriage. He agreed.

Anyway, I am OK. I have days off form work and planning on doing some things I have postponed doing. Also, I may get my spine/back checked out because it really hurts again.
K

[Kalni]

Ali, we cross posted. It is TODAY? I thought it was tomorrow. I dont expect anything to happen. When H is in the equation, he manages to "iron flat" everything...

[AliSuddenly]

...he's an 'energy vampire' thats what we call them. So.. any thoughts on what peeps here said that they think he sounds clinically depressed? I agree. What about the music? Did you ask? It is today.. exact, but also tommorow. All week is big in fact, as is the weekend.. you been reading your Greek stars?

[Kalni]

Well, I wouldnt call him a vampire but close. Clinically depressed? If he is, he has been for all his life. Do you think a person can be born depressed? I dont think so. He is very alive with the kids and football and even on the phone with some of his fiends. It's me that sucks out the energy from him obviously.

I didnt ask about the songs. They are about his love story. I would embarass him and create an issue out of nothing. He is so strange again. Remember I said his cell was out of sight for a while? Now it is all over the place again and he left it on at nights also. She propably knew he was with us or it is over once again. Who knows, who cares? If I was happy, I wouldnt mind him making her happy also, LOL!!! (joking guys)
K


My Greek stars? Yes I did. Nothing really exciting except about work, I shoud be really careful.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey K.. I know you said that about H before.. but yes.. a person can have long term, adult onset depression.. thats what my ex has. He said he cannot remember a time (since 14/15) that he was really happy. BUT.. he is olk, with football, yes, excited, with friends, yes...laughing, joking, with small children.. yes.. but all of that is his mask. Thats what they call it. A mask and men are particularly good at it. Its too simplistic to dismiss all that to mean he is not depressed and is ok. Have you heard of the American comedian (now in UK) called Ruby Wax? She was a famous comedian/interviewer, did some big interviews (OJ, Emelda Marcos etc)... v famous, always laughing, succesful, had it all.. I remember reading an interview with her as she reminded me of my ex (tears of a clown, that what you see, even those close to you is not the full picture) that despite all of that, all her adult life, she was deeply depressed, dying inside and wanted to kill herself, but noone knew.

I dont know why you keep dismissing it.. he is clearly NOT happy or fulfilled, in fact, the way you describe him, he sounds downright miserable. And of course its not yuor fault, why would he choose to come back to you? Why would he bury himself in work 16 hours a day? Why would he blub like a baby in front of the IC? These are HIS issues, its not you. If you have no sympathy left with him though, after what he has put you and the kids through, thats a different matter and fair enough !!

I also dont understand why you wouldnt ask your own H which are his favourite songs on his MP3 player.. you dont know its cos of her they are there, you are making assumptions? And if he spent Easter with you, he cant still be seeing her? You need to start talking to him again, get to know him again, as a man, not a person that once really hurt you, thats what Jody told me. And you need to let it go. The A.

C'mon K... whats the point of doing this if you continue to build that wall higher?? No 2x4's here, just trying to pull something out of you... dont know what, lol ! The universe gave you a chance.... use it or lose it !?

[naej]

Hi Maria, although I went through 2 periods of severe depression I think "depressed" is a very much over used modern lable, like ADH just my opinion.
I believe some people are just maybe not miserable from birth but definately have a lacking life lustre.
Others who are never happy unless miserable. It is who they are.
They don't seek help or want ad's because it is how they are wired.They fuction and go through the motions but on a different level to other people.
Some babies are definately happier than others, some children are the same. You get this huge variation in siblings from the same family so can't all be put down to bad childhood experiences.
Maybe your H is one of these people. When you are young and in love you get additional hormonal highs so they may well reveal a difference person to you.As life settles and more mundane routine life becomes the norm,these people revert back to who they really are.
I am not saying one is better than the other it is our make up, who we are.
I haven't any answers,it would be a dull sad old world if we all thought and acted the same. Wall to wall sunshine can grate on some people.
Maybe you are no longer a good fit,like your jigsaw got broken and one bit that jutted out and held the othe peices in there place got broken off, the picture is never the same again.
Thinking of you, just off for a hopi ear treatment-yikes no idea what I have let myself in for but the sun is a shining and the birds are singing and the woods are full of blossom and bluebells, what more can I ask for.

[Kalni]

Ali, I am not worried about her at the moment. Somehow I managed to go back to "dont really care mode" about that. I am not saying he is seeing her but my gut feeling tells me they are in contact "as friends" which I cant control and until it becomes an issue I am not going to focus on it any longer.

Depression. I dont know much about depression. I believe some people are enjoying life more than others. If you ask H he will tell you his life in general is good. I have talked to him about that and his answer is "I dont want much to be happy, sleep, work and a few fun times are enough", so I dont think he is depressed. Ali when he cried, he cried at the IC because he realised he has been repeating his parents patterns and he didnt even know. He realised their relationship wasnt as good as he thought.

I am not building any walls but I am not tearing them down either. I am not that naive anymore.
K

[faithisbelieving]

why not tell him exactly what you need. Say, H I need you to hug me when you come in and hug me when you leave. As that becomes a regular occurrence move on to the next thing. He apparently needs to take babysteps because he isn't capable of the big ones.

And how do you force that? What does pushing OUR needs on the WAW do? That sounds like pressure to me.....the ultimate 'push them away tactic'.

I caution everyone about the 'babysteps' word. Babysteps aren't a candle lit for you.

Babysteps aren't phonecalls to tell you what groceries to pickup.

Babysteps aren't a cup of coffee made for you or a door held open.

These...are moments of lucency in the world that they exist in.

Babysteps....are asking you to go for a walk and then holding your hand.

Babysteps are words told to you that they are in pain..they want to stay with you but need time to work this out WITH YOU.

Babysteps......

Be careful....lest you fall into a world of denial and fear (common on this board) that can keep you trapped and paralyzed forever. Life is too short to spend it miserable, yet, so many people seem to be hell-bent on spending it miserably.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone should fight for their marriage and do their utmost to preserve it. I think a man or a woman should hold onto their vows as slong as he or she has evidence of the foundation of a marriage. Period. He or she should know that it takes love and all the things born of love--friendship, loyalty, trust, respect, etc.--and attraction--fun, adventure, sex, etc--to make a marriage.

Play a game of marital Twister....keep two feet on hope and two feet on reality. Balance the two, or, your date of registration here will look older and older as time goes on.

Stay strong Kalni.

FIB