BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[TRUSTING]

Something bothered me after I met with my ex. I could not figure out what it was until I went to bed and allowed all the thoughts of the day to leave my mind.

My feelings now scare me.

I looked closely at my ex during our meeting. He looked old, beaten, thin, tired. I have not seen him face to face since October.

I felt nothing.

I did not feel the need to have him back. I did not feel the need to feel his touch, his embrace, to get his approval, to impress him. I no longer saw him as a part of me, an extension of myself. It was almost like he was a stranger to me.

When we parted, I did not cry in my car like I usually would. I did not feel particularly lonely as he left. I did not really want to be with him any longer than I had. I did not wonder when the next time I would see him would be.

I kept asking myself what does this mean? Are these feelings gone or locked up? Am I done? Is this a sign?

I don't have any answers right now. I am just surprised. This took me off guard. I was not expecting this from myself.

The more I thought about it. The more I started to realize my
feelings are probably a very normal reaction to three years of rejection, put downs, manipulation, betrayal, pain, and destruction. To feel anything other than that would be odd.

I certainly see my mistakes in the marriage. I have not recently admitted that I had made any. I do realize now that I was awfully slow to forgive. I held my ex to a very high standard. I think he got tired of trying to be something he was not. As his life became more stressful, he no longer had any fight in him. He did not want to put any effort into me or the kids. He just wanted to exist without judgement, responsibilities, or duties.

I was not a safe haven, because I was just a reminder of what he was not. I think he so much wanted to be that man for me, but he could'nt.

So what have I learned. Be more forgiving. Love the person, hate the actions. I always did love him, but I should have shown it more.

Hard lesson to learn. Did I deserve this whole journey, mid life crisis, divorce, betrayal? Probably not. Would it have played out any different if I would have been more loving or forgiving? I don't know.

I would be a fool though if I did not look at myself.