You could do what I did and redecorate the house. It's amazing what some paint and slip covers will do. Plus it'll keep you busy and that's always a good thing.
I live in my H's hometown. It's one of those towns that takes 5 minutes to drive through. Everything in this town is "his." I can't go into the neighboring town without seeing him everywhere. But what can I expect? I've lived here for nearly a decade with him, it's bound to happen. The same is true for you. You've spent 13 years with her, of course everything reminds you of her.
The house is your house now. Change it to reflect that. You're not sharing a life with someone right now, use the time to develop a life that's just yours. It seems impossible, but you can and will make it through this. The hardest part is taking the focus off of what you don't have and putting it on what you do have. GAL and keep a PMA . . . it's going to take work but you will be able to do this.
I think you did good as well. Don't beat yourself up, rather pick yourself up!!
I think fear, is one of the many emotions we all first have, among many others. Yet, it's the one that rears its head & comes back time & again. Stay strong!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Thanks for all the replys, I was on guest pass at the gym for a week and got my actual membership pass tonight so i have that to do.
And i am actually having my second phone consultation tommorow at 12:00. So far there's alot to talk about.
I keep telling myself that all the damage i have done in the past 13yrs will not heal overnight, that i need to stay patient. As much as I wish she would bound back into my arms with a huge smile on her face and say that she wants to go to couseling with me and work everything out i have to realize that right now all she BARELY wants is to be my friend and that is a huge improvement than I was before.
The other thing that is hard for me and i know is a major problem in our relationship is ive got the nice guy syndrome. Im pretty sure that even to this day if you asked her she would tell you the I might not clean a dish but i would go thru hell or highwater to make something happen for her. My DB coach said she castrated me along time ago......LOL!!! I need to work on that for sure the thing is that i am that way for her and my friends and family and that is it. I feel that if i treat everyone like that, then how will people know there special to me.
How do you get over hearing the hurt in there voice, knowing that you caused it. It kills me to know that she is in pain because of me. On the other hand I wonder does she feel the same way as I do. Does she hurt because I hurt, like I do for her or does she not care??????
And all this because of the 3 answer ? about the yard work, the alignment, or fishing......well that was the straw that broke the camels back atleast.
She did tell me yesterday that she will not be staying in ohio, that she feels chicago is her home so she will be moving back here she thinks just not with me as of right now.
Can some of you interpret this whole 3?'s thing for me this is killing me, my wife is getting her phd in psychology and that is the type of thing they use to diagnose people. But it kinda hurts to be a Lab Rat when it comes to your emotions. I have been in love with her since the 3rd time i talked to her in 10th grade and stood by her thru everything ups,downs and it just feels like she is throwing me away.
Sorry for being all over the place tonight ive been kind of a wreck today. But thanks for being there and trying to help me out
So talked to my DB coach today for a counseling session, she is awesome very down to earth very easy to talk to,very funny, and good at reading the most minute of things that my W has said or done. She is very helpful I am pretty sure that the very little progress that i have made so far, i would be nowhere near where i am now without her help or guidance. Her name is Sheryl for those considering.
Anyway so like i said up there after 5 days of darkness the W called and wanted to talk, we talked and I told her that i would bring her dogs to her mothers for a visit and bring some of her personal items that she wanted to "move out" of the house this weekend. Instead of her driving 400 miles and then turning around and driving 400miles back...I know yes this is ole mr. niceguy creeping back, but I have made all my progress so far by going dark and by 180'ing. And for me the ULTIMATE 180 is for me to volunteer to help move the W's [censored] out. She called today to verify that if it wasnt that much trouble and I just replied to her that it was no trouble at all that all her stuff needed to get moved out eventually, since she didnt want to live here anylonger.
Of course we all know that I am really a big teddy bear and deep down inside I am begging and pleading that she will come home but right now this is all Ive got....K Lets see begging and pleading got me nowhere...only made her very aggressive and hateful toward me...but following my coaches advice and the awesome people who have posted replys to my post's advice ive gone dark and acted asif threw in a few 180's, and so far managed to take back a little control in this catastrophe.
She has contacted me the last 3 times we made contact and i am working so hard to not break down in front of her and just act as if it is no biggy im movin on......but in reality it suks.
One more thing I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself about all this i made alot of mistakes. I could have picked up more and did the dishes more and hell i coulda fixed cars for 13-14hrs a day then come home and started my own maid service, but i didnt...but another thing i didnt do all 13 yrs we were together was call her names never no whores, no bitches, no sluts, none of that i just dont believe in it. I never hit her all the countless times she hit me I laughed at her and told her that the only reason she does that is because she knows i wont hit her back. I never even considered another woman I looked, hell she would even point em out to me. I never once told her she had to get a job in the past 10 years that she has been in school, I did what every other man who loves there woman with all there heart does when times were hard I worked harder,I never gave up hope, in her at all but it seems like she gave up hope in me. It seems like she has never acknowledged any of that that she focuses on all the negative stuff i have done all the time like i cant make her happy no matter how hard i try.
It sounds to me like you are doing really well. You have started on some 180's and been doing good with the not contacting. Keep strong with acting as if. It must be hard to help her move out and she must know this so good on you for holding up there. I am at that point myself as I am pretty sure H will want to move his stuff out next week. Just not sure if I'll be able to help or not.
I think that the game playing with the question you mentioned is childish. One question could never and should never determine someone's actions. Its like playing a game where you don't know the rules so of course your not going to be able to read her mind and choose the 'right' answer. Maybe it was her way of justifying what she was about to do?
Keep your head up and keep working on not contacting and your 180's. I find that like your sitch I have no kids either so dont have daily or weekly contact back and forth regarding this and find it trying to not call, txt or email but have been sticking to the not contacting thing and it did start to work for me. Anyway keep up the positive work you have been doing!
cb
Last edited by hopeful_cb; 04/22/0906:56 PM.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
cb thanks for posting a reply i agree NC is really the hardest part for me, we talked everyday for the past 13yrs up until 10mos ago when she had to go to ohio.
I dont believe she really knows what she wants but i just want her to know that we were best friends when we were together and we can still be friends and hopefully more....Eventually???/
Wow didnt really realize how hard this is going to be going thru my house and packing up the things she wants. My db coach said that she thinks this is all a game and that i should go along with it. So i am, im loading up the stuff she wants loading up the dogs so she can visit with them and driving it 400 miles to her.
We talked on the phone for about an hour last night about what all she wants and she was again very inquisitive about what i am working on with the couselor but right from that she is telling me that my old car has to come out of her sisters garage and she was talking about how we both need to eventually move on and see other people.
So I hope this is working I hope she still loves me, but i just know that the results are definately better than me begging.
Hey hows it going just got back into town today.....wow what a trip almost 1 i am pretty sure that i regret taking. Anyway here is how the weekend brokedown.....
Wed: W called to give me a giant list of all the stuff she wanted me to bring her, to which i told her that i would bring her, her school books which she's been in college for 10yrs so there are a ton of books. That she left me and she could come and get the rest of her stuff when she wanted. And to basically schedule when she could see me to drop her stuff off. So the plan was that i would drop our 1 dog off at her moms and drop the other dog off at her apt. which is an hour away the next day.
Thurs: I reserved a cargo van to rent and went to pick it up then went and got boxes, came home loaded all her stuff up and headed off to Ohio, about halfway W calls and asks where I am and I told her that i was halfway and would not be in till late. She seemed upset about this. I got off the phone with her and turned the Allman Brothers right back up to almost ear drum damaging levels....LOL!!! About 15min later the W calls again and she asks very politely if I could drop the one dog off at her moms and bring our other dog out to her place instead of following the original plans. I said that i wouldnt be to her place till very late and that if she wanted me to I would becuz i know she missed her dogs. So i drop him off at her place and this is the first time ive seen her in over a month and she has lost like 20lbs so i comment on how good she looks and she will not even look me in the eye. So i tell her im going to a hotel.
Fri: I visited my family and her mom and told her mom that i was going out with friends although I didnt I stayed at the hotel. Her mom told me that she is acting very strange lately and that she has noticed a big change in her, she also told me that she sits out at her place balling her eyes out saying she misses me and that she is losing her best friend. Her mom also told me I should make her unload her own boxes with the way she has been treating me lately.
Sat: Delivery day...so i drive an hour to get to her place and i unloaded her stuff hung a candle holder on her wall that i got her along time ago and she made me something to eat, she told me to take a shower so i did and we talked for like 3-4hrs. She was pretty upset. I got upset but i tried to hold it back she told me she only wants to be friends and that she doesnt love me... but then she invited me back over in the morning at like 11am. I go back to the hotel and she texts me saying she was happy to talk to me she asked about my hotel i told her it smelled like piss. She then texted me at about 11:30pm asking if i wanted to get out of the hotel for a little bit i said yeah so she asked me to get her a 12pk of pepsi, so i told her i was kinda tired but that is fine since my nose could only handle so much piss. So i go get her pepsi i take it to her place i get there and she is on the phone with her best friend, who i can hear yelling at her for calling me, i open her fridge and put the pepsi in it and there is a 12pk of pepsi already in the fridge that looked like it was missing a can, so i figured she wanted to talk. Her friend Brooke keeps bitching at her and says that she is gonna call back in 15min and that i better be gone. So she gets off the phone and we talk for 5 minutes and i tell her that i better leave so Brooke doesnt get mad. She asks me what i was doing tommorow i told her not sure so she asks me to make sure i can be there at 11am.... I say i will
Sun: So i get up to make it to this urgent meeting at 11am to see what the urgency is about........she needs help walking the dogs which i understand our american bulldog is about 130lbs and kinda drags the sh*t out of her. So we walk the dogs. She says she is very busy with work(she showed me the mound of papers she has to get done)and that could i come back around 630pm, I ask why to walk the dogs and she says no for dinner and a movie and to walk the dogs. So i went back at 630pm we had a good dinner that i picked up on the way and watched a movie, I left around 1030pm. She also broke news to me that her company has offered her a job to stay on as a psychologist and not just an intern. I told her congratulations and we had talked about this before and i told her that if she stayed i was selling the house and moving back to ohio, so i told her i was going to talk to the realtor and see if i can sell the house, she responded with "even if i stay here for 1 more year, i am not settling in ohio and want to move back to chicago that is my home....just not with you"........So what the hell i am so confused......
Mon: I picked the dogs up around 1130am and she packed me some oranges and some waters for the road, gave me a big long hug and told me to call when i got back to chicago that she will call me on tuesday night to let me know if she got the job or not........
Monday i had a conference with my db coach she told me i did alot wrong which i totally agree with.......but man i am totally confused i dont know if she is saying she wants to come home i know for sure she said that she doesnt love me and that she only wants to be friends........IM LOST!!!!!!!!!
