HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[trampledheart]

Hi everyone,

It's been over a week since I last posted... and it's been a strange and busy week. I've had two doctors appointments, a dental appointment, filed my taxes, and had some interactions with H.

BND, thanks for sharing your H's email and your words of advice. I had taken your advice and even used that expression, "I'm sorry you feel this way." I've kept interactions simple as well. In the last few emails we've exchanged, mine were practically just one liners.

Stuck808, I've also taken to heart what you had said that he's afraid to come home because I would latch on to him and not let go. And the stray dog analogy was great... In fact, when he came over on the 15th to sign the tax return, I was cooking dinner and he kept coming over to taste my chicken cacciatore.

He seemed relaxed and sat down to help our daughter who was on the computer doing her taxes and I was so glad to hear laughter coming from the other room! I asked him if he wanted to stay and have dinner with us, but he said he had just come from the endodontist and couldn't yet eat anything. He asked if he could take some home with him, which was a bit of a shock for me, but I said of course! (I wondered what he was going to say to OW about his tupperware of food from home.) We all watched a little TV, and when he was leaving, he gave our daughter a kiss, then came over and kissed the top of my head. But then, as if he thought twice about it, he lifted my chin and kissed me on the lips - short and sweet, then left with his dinner. The time he spent with us was about an hour... Oh! I did make one mistake, as he went out the door, I said, "Love you!" as my goodbye. Oops!

The following day, he emailed me and said he had paid some of the bills. This was a bit surprising to me because in the past several months, I had to argue with him for days just to get him to pay one bill! He always argued that he doesn't have any money to give me. I would like to think it was because of my chicken cacciatore, but I think it was really due to a combination of things... I think it might be because he's feeling guilty for having used our airline frequent flyer miles towards tickets for him and OW to go on a 2-week vacation to Rome (he's leaving this week). He doesn't know that I know about this trip to Rome as he hadn't told me or our daughter about it. But the strange thing is, not only has he paid those bills without my bugging him about it, he's even agreed to give me all of the tax refund. I'm starting to wonder if he's come into some windfall of cash, like maybe he won the lottery or something!

My dilemma is that I still haven't really come up with a game plan. My heart and my mind are split on what to do!

My heart tells me to stall the legal process that I started at the end of February (I petitioned for legal separation with the County but I hadn't served him yet). I only wanted to go forward with it for financial reasons when he had stopped supporting us. But if I go forward and serve him, there's no turning back. And by my pushing it forward, I feel he'd just go along with it since he's already living with OW and has moved on...he said that there is nothing between us anymore...

My mind tells me that I should go forward with the legal process and protect myself - that he probably has ulterior motives in his current niceness... That I shouldn't trust him and I should protect myself, just in case. After all, he's already done things like used our frequent flyer miles for himself and OW...what would stop him from taking more? And who knows, maybe he's already done worse things financially that I don't even know about. A few weeks ago he mentioned something about getting his bank accounts in order - "in order" what way? and for what?

So my heart is perhaps naive and hopeful, and it's winning over my mind at this moment. Any ideas or thoughts? Has anyone had a similar experience?

Trampledheart

[MrBond]

Yes go ahead with the Legal Sep.

Let me put it to you this way...

Is he with you or OW? What's that you say? OW

Then file.

He hasn't shown you any further commitment and has just been giving you token signs. Protect yourself.

He's going to act surprised and gripe, but you know what? It's what he wants. He wants to disrespect you. He wants to have sex with someone else. He wants to stay away from his own daughter.

So give him what he wants. He'll argue and fight, but you have to be strong and stand your ground. You never know...maybe he needs something drastic to snap him out of it.

At the very least, do it for you. You need this and so does your daughter.

[trampledheart]

Stuck808, I'm so scared...my stomach is turning inside out...

Should I wait till he returns from their vacation to Rome to serve him? That would be around the 4/7th... Or should I call my attorney now and see if he can be served before he leaves Thursday morning?

[MrBond]

Serve him before he leaves.

Why on earth would you want him to have a happy vacation with the OW when you're the one left behind being tortured.

He'll complain that it's cruel, that you're not being fair, etc.

But you gave him ample warning. As if 2 years of dealing with his sh*t wasn't long enough. There's your 2x4.

It is scary, but you've been nice all this time and have nothing to show for it. Like Michele says...do something different.

Don't take the blame for everything. He is the guilty and irresponsible one. All you're doing is protecting your interests which he has spent the last 2 years squandering.

Don't let him have his cake and eat it too.

[trampledheart]

Do you think maybe I should ask him to talk about it with me first before serving him?

Maybe he doesn't really feel the same now as he did when he made the reservations for their trip...He made the reservations at the end of February, the day after my petition for Legal Sep was filed with the Courts.

I wish it would snap him out of it... But I think he would just go along with it. He may even choose to get a divorce over legal separation and try to make it really ugly, hoping to give me the least possible...

[trampledheart]

Btw, he doesn't know that I know about their trip...

[MrBond]

If you want to discuss it with him, then just be upfront and tell him...

"it's been 2 years and you haven't given me much choice. I have to do this to protect me and our daughter. I understand that you are unsure of what you are doing, but I cannot let that jeopardize my future and your daughter's.

I am your W and I love you. However I need to do this."

Period.

[Silver Fox]

Hey TH,

Thanks for posting on my thread. I'm catching up with yours.

My mind tells me that I should go forward with the legal process and protect myself - that he probably has ulterior motives in his current niceness... That I shouldn't trust him and I should protect myself, just in case. After all, he's already done things like used our frequent flyer miles for himself and OW...what would stop him from taking more? And who knows, maybe he's already done worse things financially that I don't even know about. A few weeks ago he mentioned something about getting his bank accounts in order - "in order" what way? and for what?

Your mind is smarter than your heart right now. I would serve him before the trip. You can just say "Well, you said you were getting your bank accounts in order, now I'm getting my financial furture in order. You understand don't you sweetheart?"

[trampledheart]

Stuck808,

Thanks you so much for your advice! I'm going to go ahead with it. I left a message with my Atty and I'll probably hear from him tomorrow morning.

I've tried to contact H but he hasn't responded. I have a feeling he's not going to either. He probably thinks that he's had too much contact with me recently, and he doesn't want me to get used to it... That only makes me more sure that I need to do this.

Your suggestion of what to say is perfect except for one thing - my H never said he was unsure - he's been adamant about not coming back ever.

I had hoped that he was saying that because he was in MLC and would change his mind eventually... But he's never said anything to make me think that he would come back. He's never wanted MC. He's never talked about working it out. And now, 2 years later, he thinks I'm crazy for wanting to stay together.

[trampledheart]

Silver Fox,

Thanks for catching up on my thread and posting! I've decided to serve him before the trip and act like I really didn't know about it, so your suggestion is excellent and I'll include that. The only thing is, I don't think I'll have time to tell him since he's not responding to me. Besides I think my Atty will think my H might try to dodge the service if he was given a heads up on it.

I've been reading your thread and think you're amazing at detaching. That's where I've been having problems. I depended on him for so much and I'm scared of what will happen in the future.

Trampleheart