First Locked Thread in 5 Years!

[tpaschal]

Pam,

No, I don't think you're upset with me. I know you are getting lots of conflicting advice, and I know how confusing this is!

You are getting a lot of positive baby steps from him, and that's awesome! I would just like to see you take the focus off of him a bit and put it on YOU and what YOU really want and need. You are focused on exH, thinking about what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what he's planning, how he'll react to your reactions to his reactions to your reactions......... LOL! You know what I mean.

I know how hurt you were a few weeks back when you found out he was still dating someone else. So, has that ended? You have said several times you couldn't go through all of this again while he was still dating other people. So has he committed to not seeing anyone else while the two of you try to figure out what you have together? Or have you softened your stance on that? I don't remember seeing that, but I have been largely computer-less for a couple of weeks now and may have missed it. I just don't want to see you go through pain and disappointment again if he has NOT stopped seeing other people.

And if he is still seeing other people, I still don't think you should "give up" on him. I would never encourage you to shut him down if he was trying to make a reconnection to you, even if he WAS still dating others. My fondest wish and greatest hope for everyone on this board is that they renew their marriages, if that's what they want! Hey, as big an a&& as my ex is, and as many doubts and questions as I have about him right now, reconciling with him is still my prayer! I've just decided that I'm not going to sit and wait and let life pass me by on the off-chance that he might someday finally be ready for that.

I just don't want you to get your hopes up again, only to find out that your exH is not ready to make a decision yet. If you are still willing to ride the rollercoaster, it would at least be helpful to know that you ARE still ON the rollercoaster! If he's not ready to explore a new relationship with you, and you are still on the rollercoaster for a few more turns, I would encourage you to branch out. Put him on the back burner for a while! Don't put all of your eggs in his basket! (How many other worthy cliche's can I throw in here? Nah, I'm sure you get the point.)

Honestly, I'm not trying to encourage you to date! It's just that you have mentioned it more than once, so I assumed it was on your mind.

And I agree with Jack---I do NOT take back the hand slap! You were the one who said "exH needs to see that I won't be hanging out forever." And yes, I did catch that you followed it up by saying it's not just a ploy. I understand. I'm in a similar spot right now! (Trying to decide if I really want to date, or if I'd just be using it to try to get my ex's attention. I'm torn. It really is a bit of both.) You just have to be so careful to make sure that it would be for the right reasons.

I want you to make sure you are focusing on YOU and what's best for YOU. Oftentimes we DB'ers focus so much energy on our ex's and trying to save or renew our marriages, that we don't stop and take stock of where we are in our lives, to really examine the new person we are now, to see if reconciling with our ex is really what is best and healthiest for us at this point in time.

Take care of YOU.