Hi All!

Just did a little journalling and thought I would post it.


Been thinking some about the weight gain…something is up here, and it’s not just poundage. I’m feeling “hungry” more often, eating larger portions, eating at night.

All things I’ve done in the past to mask what’s going on in and around me. The weight gain started after bomb#3 back in March. So, why?

At first I think I just relaxed some, CJ was NOT leaving, it was all out in the open…

At the same time, I had various things that worked against my regular work-outs, among them the fact that I’m rarely alone in the house, foot problems, school etc.

I’m increasingly certain that I am eating to mask my sexual tensions. There is no improvement on that front, if anything we’ve drifted further from those goals. And the bigger I get, the less sexy I feel.

I’m starting to hear internal dialogue saying “fat cow… you let yourself go…not sexy…fat face…”. And then in the next second, I’m looking for something to eat!

So, what am I doing? What am I covering for?

Boredom…frustrations with CJ…uncertainty.

What am I uncertain of? That our M is any better off than before.

Perhaps CJ feels better in our M, many of his issues with me have been addressed and are much, much better.

But what about my needs? It seems that CJ’s trying to “do stuff” around the house to satisfy me, but what about strengthening our R? Romance? Affection? Letters? Notes? Flowers? Compliments?

He KNOWS these are my LL’s, but so far he’s shown little inclination to fill up these tanks. And so I fill my face with food.

Not an excuse, but a half-decent explanation.

So what can I do differently?

For me, KNOWING why I’m seeking out a bowl or rice at 3 a.m. doesn’t necessarily stop me from eating it!

I guess I’ll have to bite the bullet an tell CJ some of this???

I suppose I’m a bit afraid to…what if he still just doesn’t love me “that way”? What if he never can? THAT’S the real issue….similar to LL’s dilemma….would “this” be enough for me for the rest of my life?

Would it be enough for CJ? Or might he travel the same path he’s travelled before?

Crud!

Shiny


P.S. my PMA isn't as down as this post makes it sound!