I am a mess today, just one of those days I guess. Feels like I'm just sitting back watching the paint dry and when it dries it will be a different picture than the one I imagined for me and my W. Lately, I have been waking up thinking I need to call her and get some resolution, it's been about 10 months. I have not spoken to her in over a month now. That was the 13th of last month where I tried to return the gesture of asking her out to the movies and never got a response. I will never leave a voice message again b/c I keep rationalizing if she got the message or not. I should have spoken directly to her. Like I have mentioned she is a tit for tat person and has been over the course of our M. I'm just not sure if she is waiting for me to make a move.
I went out on first Friday, back on April 3, as planned and I guess I had a decent time. It just felt really uncomfortable, mainly b/c I was concerned about possibly bumping into my W and seeing her out or out with someone. We live in a small city, so I know that it is bound to happen. That is the current word that keeps finding its way to my ears from family members. Someone claims to have seen her in a car with another man, so it spread like wild fire. Anyway, as that day wound down, I most certainly felt the pressures of wanting to allow myself to be vulnerable to the activities of the night. I'm God fearing, but he knows my heart, right? How much longer can or should I put my life on hold? I deserve to be happy to. That is where I am currently at. "You will never leave where you are until you decide where you want to be" Still reading "Welcome To Limbo Land" and hoping for a "Truce Trigger"; a real one. I swear driving home that night was the most miserable, seems like I have perfect vision of that night down to the last red light. It was like all I seen was couples on the way home. And here I am going home alone. Also, I got a little fed up at my workplace, the pressure just kinda got to me and I just came undone. I told my friends we were separated. I felt indifferent after I uttered those words but the pressure of denial finally won that day. I felt a great weight lift off of my shoulders just to feel uneasy about what I did on the days that followed.
9 months of separation. We all know what can occur in 9 months; at least that's what my brother keeps telling me. I still operate as if I am M and he constantly warns me that she has moved on and I should do the same. I am so tired of him telling me "It's whole one, it is over, you have to accept it" Is it that I just can't see it? I have spoken more to this forum than I have to my W of 11 years. My MC told me back in Nov 08, that he did not see a good outcome b/c we were not involved in any capacity and that has not changed to date. I have since learned different from DR and this forum. I still hope for something good and have put it into Gods' hands. It is clear now that her perception of our M is and was different from mine, but I know how we were and what we had. Her perception can be that far off. Upon talking to my brother one night about my W saying she gave up a long time ago, something hit me and it all made sense. A lot of things make sense. I can just remember all the times I thought I was crazy b/c I could not figure out what was going on. I think it was a case of the Jedi mind trick. I should be bruised up from all the walls I ran into. These were the times when I would ask for MC, but she just refused b/c I guess she know what she truly wanted. She was pushing me away and pulling herself away all at the same time.
