It just wasn't all that remarkable, and what flavours were there were pretty much overpowered by the tres garlicy Caesar!
Hi All...great nephew's birthday was sweet. Cold has moved from a sore throat to the plugged/drippy nose/sneezing portion of the event. Thank you CJ for picking up the Puffs!
Pal MJ just called to see if we want to karaoke tonight, but with this cold, a noon brunch with CJ's Mom (her birthday) Sis and BIL and the finishing touches to put on my teaching dossier tomorrow...plus class preps...
I think I'm talking myself out of it pretty nicely! But how will I feel if CJ wants to go? Hmmmmm.
Please, do not take about wine (or food). My stomach is complaining! And the wine in the fund raiser was disgusting. We ended up drinking water AT A SOCIAL FUNCTION. Anyone thinks we could sue?
Speaking of lousy Chilean wines, if you have a bottle of 2002 Santa Rita 120, give it to your worst enemy (or use it for self defense). Do NOT, I repeat do NOT open it. It needs another 50 years to mature (if it ever does, which is debatable).
I am going for more Maalox...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Just did a little journalling and thought I would post it.
Been thinking some about the weight gain…something is up here, and it’s not just poundage. I’m feeling “hungry” more often, eating larger portions, eating at night.
All things I’ve done in the past to mask what’s going on in and around me. The weight gain started after bomb#3 back in March. So, why?
At first I think I just relaxed some, CJ was NOT leaving, it was all out in the open…
At the same time, I had various things that worked against my regular work-outs, among them the fact that I’m rarely alone in the house, foot problems, school etc.
I’m increasingly certain that I am eating to mask my sexual tensions. There is no improvement on that front, if anything we’ve drifted further from those goals. And the bigger I get, the less sexy I feel.
I’m starting to hear internal dialogue saying “fat cow… you let yourself go…not sexy…fat face…”. And then in the next second, I’m looking for something to eat!
So, what am I doing? What am I covering for?
Boredom…frustrations with CJ…uncertainty.
What am I uncertain of? That our M is any better off than before.
Perhaps CJ feels better in our M, many of his issues with me have been addressed and are much, much better.
But what about my needs? It seems that CJ’s trying to “do stuff” around the house to satisfy me, but what about strengthening our R? Romance? Affection? Letters? Notes? Flowers? Compliments?
He KNOWS these are my LL’s, but so far he’s shown little inclination to fill up these tanks. And so I fill my face with food.
Not an excuse, but a half-decent explanation.
So what can I do differently?
For me, KNOWING why I’m seeking out a bowl or rice at 3 a.m. doesn’t necessarily stop me from eating it!
I guess I’ll have to bite the bullet an tell CJ some of this???
I suppose I’m a bit afraid to…what if he still just doesn’t love me “that way”? What if he never can? THAT’S the real issue….similar to LL’s dilemma….would “this” be enough for me for the rest of my life?
Would it be enough for CJ? Or might he travel the same path he’s travelled before?
Crud!
Shiny
P.S. my PMA isn't as down as this post makes it sound!
Okay Shiny pass the ho hos and chips....I think I'm about to join you at the late night refrigerator rendevous.
My H has "announced" that he wants to come home. So I expect that will be soon if not immediately. I'm still so unsure of what I want that I'm apprehensive about his actual return.
Stick by me Shiny, I think I'm going to need your 'insight' to get through this attempt at cohabitation...I'm not so sure I can do it. T2
OK, you are down but you are not down, hopefully hopeless. The crystal ball broken, you cannot read the future. Welcome to the club, Shine.
BTW, you do not want to hear what Dr. Phil says about weight gain.
Since this is poetry day, I found one for you too. I do not want you to think it is only Pam, that gets the erudition. Let's see if Pablo Neruda got it:
Quote: No te quiero sino porque te quiero y de quererte a no quererte llego y de esperarte cuando no te espero pasa mí corazón del frío al fuego.
Te quiero sólo porque a tí te quiero, te odio sin fín, y odiándote te ruego, y la medida de mí amor viajero es no verte y amarte como un ciego.
Tal vez consumirá la luz de enero, su rayo cruel, mí corazón entero, robándome la llave de sosiego.
En esta historia sólo yo me muero y moriré de amor porque te quiero, porque te quiero, amor, a sangre y fuego.
I do not love you but because I love you and loving you to not loving you I arrive and waiting for you when I do not await you my heart passes from cold to fire.
I love you only because I love you, I endlessly hate you, and hating you I beg of you, and the measure of my fluctuating love is not to see you and loving you blindly.
Perhaps the light of January will consume, with its cruel ray, my whole heart, stealing from me the key of inner peace.
In this story only I will die and I will die of love because I love you because I love you, love, with blood and with fire.
100 Love Sonnets
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Thanks for the poem. Sums us some of our confusions here, no?
And YES I'm well aware of Dr. Phil's notions on weight gain/loss. He has some valid points, too.
Why do you think I was eating rice at 3.a.m. instead of chocolate or donuts??? NONE of that in the house!
I know too that it's a decision, a choice, a lifestyle. I know that all too well. I've ridden the weight rollercoaster since childhood.
I enjoyed 6 1/2 years of relatively stable low (for me) weight, until this spring.
I did it by being sensible about portions, no major self denial, but a lot more regular exercise. I know that's what it will take to turn this around.
I know I can do it...just wondering why I'm not!!!
Shiny
P.S. I think Dr. Phil is a little rough on those of us with genetic propensities towards chubbiness...I KNOW it's about choices, but it's frustrating to know others can make the same choices we do and stay thin!!!
