BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[Lord Grenville]

Trusting - when I read your post today, I again saw (in my mind's eye) your words and sentences, as though they were typeset in a published book. I hope you will consider starting, if you have not already, writing down all your insights in a notebook that might grow into a manuscript!

Trusting wrote:Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul.

I agree completely. In the past year, I have become a student in a two-year interfaith chaplaincy program. I have to present a report on the ancient religion of Jainism in about 8 days, so yesterday, I drove down to the Jain Center of Greater Boston for a second visit to their Temple. Jains place great importance on looking within and examining one's soul in order to refine who we are and to evolve to higher planes.

The Jain Temple in Norwood has many of their teachings hung on the walls to educate and remind the community of what to strive for. As I was reading the placard for their 5 primary mahavratas, or vows, I could not help thinking, about how relevant they are to MLCs and how nearly impossible it would be for a MLCer to practice Jainism!:

1. Ahimsa - The vow of non harm. Not only to not kill, but not to emotionally harm another.

2. Satya - The vow not to lie.

3. Non-Stealing. Maybe this would apply to not stealing another person's spouse too?

4. Bramacharaya - The vow to be chaste.

5. Aparigraha - The vow to renounce property and material objects. So much for the new sports car and MLC bling...

Trusting wrote:...As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human. Thus the birth of the "alien".

The Jains and Hindus oftentimes use the metaphor of spiritual practice serving the purpose of a raft, with the goal of moving across the waters, which can be rough, to get to the other side which is the next place of experience. How many times have we LBS's felt like we are on the raft, trying to keep things together, and also wanting to reach out to rescue our spouse who has fallen off the raft, and is being swept in the current toward rocks and maybe even a waterfall? We learn that we cannot rescue them, and we might even have to let go of the rope as they are further and further from us. It is a nightmare to be in this situation, and unfortunately, unlike most nightmares, we cannot just wake up and shake it off as a bad dream.

Trusting wrote:The difficulty in reconciling or restoring this marriage is finding a common ground with our souls. Meeting each other halfway, wanting to fix what is broken. It requires divine intervention. That is the only explanation for those people who have made a better marriage out of this mess. That and a hell of a lot of work.

This is the question that really intrigues me. Is it possible through prayer or meditation to increase the chances of divine intervention? I wonder if the high success rate of Retrouvaille is partly due to the fact that a Retrouvaille weekend creates a spiritual common ground where the souls of the two individuals connect - not just the egos meshing like you get in most counseling sessions? Unfortunately, it does require both spouses to agree to coming together at the common ground. My wife has declined attending Retrouvaille the four times I have asked her in the past couple of years.


Trusting wrote:Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok...Our lives are forever changed for the better.

I am struggling with this right now. My W has not filed, and has not talked about meeting with a divorce lawyer in many months. I want to move on toward a positive future, but I am still on my raft in the river.

I will probably get a new thread going to expand more on my thoughts.

Thanks again, Trusting, for your excellent posts which get great discussions going!

LG