Wow, Mules. Just...wow. I am so, so sorry. I think you showed superhuman restraint, actually. It's another hill you and the boys will have to climb, but I know you can do it.

I want clarify what I said earlier about changing, mostly cause I think it falls in line with this new development, and I hope it will offer some small comfort.

Yes, I do think that there are biochemical/psychological changes that happen with falling out of love with a mate, dissolving of the bonds that connected us to family. There are psychological factors related to this--depression, addiction etc.--that are actually biochemically inseparable from these dissolving bonds. (For example, an imbalance of dopamine is a factor in falling out of love, addiction--such as with an affair--and depression).

OK, I'm a huge nerd. \:\) A sad nerd that spent a lot of time trying to figure out "why?"

Basically, we humans are in a constant struggle between two opposing systems inside us--the one that wants to bond with others for life, and the one that wants to seek out novel mates and experiences. They're spiritual, and relational, but also very concretely biochemical.

What I meant earlier is that I don't think that our spouses fundamentally changed. I totally agree with you that something changed--I think they got out of balance, but the main problem is they tipped the scales in one direction, snowballing & digging themselves a hole in needing to justify their imbalance, ironically further imbalancing themselves (breaking bonds further that would keep most people veering back towards balance--literally out in the real world and also biochemically in their brains).

Your STBXW's hole is HUGE now, but it didn't start out that way. It's an unhealthy and confused unraveling of a bond, and a person. Yep, it's sick, but it can only serve you and the boys to think of her in a sympathetic vs. angry way.

It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb

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