being in limbo does suck, the longer you are in it unfortunately the more you may detach naturally, the more you will mature as an individual, the more you will see that you don't need her in your life, the easier it will be to live without her.
rob, once again you hit the nail on the head! I want to take the mindset that it is over, but have been scared too and just didn't want too. Things are at a boiling point between us right now and I think that I need my space to sort things out. The ups and downs are extremely tiring, but I plan to have a whole lot more ups than downs in the coming days.
Take care bud and I will be back online next Monday. I am heading to the lake!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
No problem bro, have a good time at the lake and make a point of doing more stuff like that for yourself.
If you don't take care of you, who will?!
The boiling point analogy, I hear you, but remember you are choosing to be angry, you are choosing to let her affect you this way, you really are. If I tell you to throw a brick through the neighbor's window and you do it, are you going to blame me? Nope. Your wife is doing things to bother you and you're getting angry because you are letting her get to you.
She isn't letting you bother her anymore because she perceived that you and the way you were were problematic enough that she had to take control of the situation, she removed herself so that she got some relief. She pulled away from you, and now that you are trying to pull her back she pushes you away - you see how push/pull works.
Now use it to your advantage.
You see this separation, not as a problem but an advantage. You are getting your space back, you are reclaiming your individuality, you're going to start taking care of yourself and taking responsibility for yourself. It's definitely a great thing.
And you're going to stop pulling her in.
You will create a vacuum of space between you when you stop pulling her in, she will naturally fill in the space between you when you stop pursuing.
It seems to be a law of nature, we pursue what we can't have, we run away from something pursuing us (if you don't believe me what an episode of COPS, everyone always runs, even innocent people run, just a natural instinct.)
But we're going to act unnaturally but make it look natural.
We're going to do the opposite of most everything we typically do (180's) because this creates interest & intrigue. This makes you attractive.
Have you started the gym thing yet? If not what are you waiting for? How about a haircut, a new shirt, a new pair of jeans and definitely a new pair of shoes, pick up a decent pair of walking shoes or runners, I never feel better than when I'm wearing my brand new puma's - I feel like I'm elevated into another social status LOL!
The thing is this, you work on making you a new you, the big stuff, the small stuff, you just do it and you remember what it's like to be you again just for you.
(and that definitely means not buying stuff for her, supplicating her, helping her with stuff, etc.)
Make yourself unavailable sometimes, not in a mean way, in a "I've made plans already since I was free on that day" kind of way.
Well, I just made it in from the lake and I am feeling really good. The first two days that I was gone was pretty tough on me for some reason. Wandering thoughts and anxiety were getting the best of me. I really turned around the last two days and truly enjoyed myself.
Yesterday was the last day of the fishing tournament and there was a large outdoor concert/party. My buddies and I had a blast there drinking beer, enjoying the sun and listening to the music. One interesting thing did happen that gave me an ego boost. First, I realized that there is a world full of fun and cool people. Things aren't as bad as they feel. Secondly, a very attractive young lady came up and was hitting on me. Nothing came of it, but it did open my eyes that maybe I am not as bad as what I have been feeling.
Rob, I am certainly doing the gym thing. I hit the gym every night for ~2 1/2 hrs. It is working great and it makes me feel really good about myself.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
When I left for the lake last Wednesday, the W gave me a call and wanted to discuss the relationship. This was the first time that she has been sincere and actually spoke in a nice and kind way in quite a while. She was apologetic for being so angry towards me in prior discussions and saying some of the mean things that she has. She also said that the way she left probably wasn't the best, but she didn't know how else to do it.
The call lasted for some time and went relatively well. Although hearing those things definitely hurt. I think that is why I was so down for the first two days of my fishing trip. I just kept analyzing and re-thinking every single word that she said. I was driving myself nuts trying to reason through it.
I find that the lack of contact is definitely helping my mental state. It seems that every time we talk or see each other I crash hard for about two days.
Well,,,,,its off to the gym!
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
I am still hanging in there. I haven't had contact since she sent a text last week. The lack of contact is helping me clear my mind, but it is also scary. I wonder what she is doing and what she is thinking.
She had dinner with one of our mutual friend couples earlier this week and opened up to them. I was happy to hear this, because she has been so closed off from everyone. My friend told me that I definitely don't want to lose hope and should stick with it. His overall impression from their discussion was that she was confused and doesn't know what she wants right now. She told them that she now has the realization that the way she handled past events have affected her marriage. She also told them that she is not against going back to marriage counselling, but felt that she needed to delay it because she was feeling overwhelmed at the time. I think that I should wait and let her bring up any possibility of going back to counselling.
While I am happy to hear things like this, it causes my mind to start wandering again. I have some very strong days where I feel really good and then I crash and start wondering if I am doing the right thing right now.
I know she is flying out today to go to her mom's through the weekend and I thought of sending her a text message or email telling her to enjoy herself and have fun. The other side of me wonders if I shouldn't contact her at all until she contacts me.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
MI: If no contact is working, then keep doing it. Your mutual friend said it: she is confused and overwhelmed. Those are signs that she is still in turmoil about what is going on, so I'd say that going dim/dark is having an effect.
Tell me: in better times in the past, who would be the first one to initiate contact? If it was your W, then I'd say a very brief message to her about nothing consequential would be a 180 on your part, right? If you were the one to usually initiate, then sit pat and keep working on yourself and detaching.
Hang in there: it does get easier.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Tell me: in better times in the past, who would be the first one to initiate contact? If it was your W, then I'd say a very brief message to her about nothing consequential would be a 180 on your part, right? If you were the one to usually initiate, then sit pat and keep working on yourself and detaching.
Thanks for the advice.
Honestly, I feel it was 50/50 in terms of who would initiate contact. Sometimes it would be me, sometimes it would be her. It just depended on the situation. Maybe I will just think on it a little longer before I do anything. I am proud that I have been able to detach like I have and I don't want to let myself down. It was a lot of work to get to this point and I don't want to have to start from scratch again.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
