Here Again

[xalelle]

Why is it that everything makes me want to cry? I am having a horrible day of faith today - all I want to do is hold W, tell her how I feel. I guess a few days of not really having an opportunity after a few days of incredible closeness is taking its toll.. and W has basically warned me, stop it cause you are pushing me away (you are driving me crazy). Having a hard day of thougth-stopping. No crazymaker thinking of possible EA/PA, or anything like that, just wondering if tonight will be another poor night, or a good one.

W not feeling well today, and started morning with message "I thought you might stay home today" - I had hinted all weekend of taking a hooky day, but she kept saying I couldnt, and since she was not in a close mood last night and did not wake this morning when I left, I felt that staying home would just hurt me worse. So hard to read between W's lines and know what she really wants!

I also have to remind myself - life must go on. I must keep at my Job, though not obsessively. Have to continue to support my family, and some of the plans we have discussed for future do depend on my continued stable employment. So I will finish out my day, attempt to get a few important tasks completed, then try to finish up at a good time and get home to W. We still have company, so she may be busy, and is not feeling well today so may not be very friendly - though it will give me an opportunity to take care of her and show her I care.

I may just have to walk outside and have a cry and get it over with. I have to be strong tonight, no pressure, no clingy. Be ready for her if she is ready. When she is she will. I dont think she has given up on us, and even this morning when I called to explain my coming to work, she said ILY before I did, and in the middle of the conversation, not as a goodbye.

You know, sometimes I feel like I am being "db'd" - she GAL (friends and such), she detached (some shying away from contact), she LRTd (maby we need some time).. and now that she has pulled me back, she is taking her time.. She even stated outright that the week before the semi-bomb she had been intentionally avoiding contact so that I might see the problem. Wouldnt it be funny if W found DB and just does it better than me? LOL!