Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Had to drop off groceries at lunch and H was there putzing around in yard. I made small talk and asked H if he'd gotten outside in the nice weather yesterday, since he first started telling me how he slept 12 hours last night..H said he'd gone for a bike ride yesterday. I asked if he went alone and he angrily said "No- I went with OW"..Then my emotions got the better of me and I asked if he'd spoken with the girls yesterday and he said "No, the didn't contat me" and I said "Oh, I thought you were going to contact them everyday.." Zing-I knew better..
I still tried to be pleasant but I felt awful/hurt. So I asked my H about if he'd thought more about going with me to San Diego and since he still wasn't sure(and I'm thinking he's still having his A)-I asked if he could change my plane ticket to return earlier(so I will be home on Mother's day!) and he did.

Back at work, I did send him a brief email apology for not keeping my emotions in check and he responded "I am sorry as well. I don't know how to change things or make them different or better. Everything is painful, sad, and awkward."
I did talk to H about sitting with me tonight at the musical performance as he indicated in his email he would like to. I said it didn't need to be awkward and he said "but it is"- I said we could work on that-he was sad and whispering by the time I said goodbye.
H looks exhausted, his hair is thinning and he looks older. I think now that the issue of San Diego is settled and there won't be a lot more school things to go to, I'll have an easier time being 'dim'. I feel less and less positive things towards H. Maybe that is due to my feeling(and hopefully dealing) with my anger towards H. He just seems sad and pathetic now.