Mulesqb - A Day in Court

[mulesqb]

Hey guys - I just want to thank all of you for all the kind words. My STBXW moved out on March 15th. We went to court on the 19th. Since then things have been improving dramatically. All of them have improved their grades which is huge as it was a big concern. They look happier and we have set in to a very nice routine at home.

We went on a great vacation where we met up with Coach and his wife (I saw that Coach started a thread so I will post more about that over there.)The boys were telling me on the way home in the car that it was the best vacation of their lives. I really felt like we were finally turning the corner. Until....

My STBXW moved into the neighbor's house over the weekend. Needless to say it's been pretty traumatic for me and the boys. And for a fleeting moment on Saturday night I lost Strength and Honor. I was walking my dog at 10:30pm up my driveway and looked up at the neighbor's house (it is next door) to see her hanging curtains in his house. The boys had walked out with me they saw it too. As I was standing there the neighbor and one of his friends opened the door and walked out and were laughing in our direction. That's when I lost it for a moment. I didn't curse or anything like that - just told them that they were all garbage and deserve each other. Also told him if he was such a tough guy to come over to my house man to man. Then I took the boys inside. I'm very upset at myself for stooping to their level. But I can't take it back now. I think it also scared the boys. It was just not an easy way to find out about this. Obviously I'm the only one that cares about the boys right now.

So yesterday was a very tough day. The boys are not taking it well. The whole day was about her drama and they are now watching everything going on out in the street. It sux, it really does - just when they were really starting to look happy again. This woman is sick. As I told Coach - at least now I have my closure. I don't want her back - won't ever want her back, and I'm not really sure she should be around the kids much. But that is for a courtroom, unfortunately.

FIB - Thanks so much - we are brothers!!! I will give you a call. It was tough weekend to find time with all this crap going on. Time for myself is on hold for a while and I'm fine with that. As you said - I am very lucky to have the boys and will cherish every moment. This is an important time for them. The time for me will come, I know that now.

M from Tenn - thanks - you are so right. I'm good there. I've been following your posts in the alt uni - your family is always in my prayers.

Lost - Great to hear from you. I had stopped posting for a while because I felt I was past the DBing point and when I came back here, I got depressed about my sitch.

Thx for the words - I do have the boys in C. It was going well until the latest events. I called the therapist yesterday and she was stunned at the behavior. She said that she didn't see this one coming ad can't imagine a parent being that cruel. The next session should interesting. I don't attend any more at the therapist's requests. She said all of the boys' issues are with the STBX.

You bring up a very interesting theory. I think there is a lot to what you say. It definitely is accurate in my sitch. But I do think something has occurred in her though. Her whole demeanor, look, attitude and personality has done the ultimate 180. I have to think something more has gone on to start this process and then the part about justifying and redefining kicked in.

Strength and Honor.

[Coach]

Mules, I can't imagine what you are going thru. Stay busy, love those boys and take care of yourself. Don't get baited by the neighbor it's not worth it. Strength and Honor.
Cheers

[Greek]

Well I already told you what I think - Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! >;{}

Don't worry about your halo slipping. You're human. Considering this extraordinary event, in my opinion, you showed enormous restraint!!!

You and your boys are in my prayers - you know that.

[DCBHM]

As someone who has been in your shoes - things get better. Take heart that you can be a good father, and that will mean a lot to them.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I called the therapist yesterday and she was stunned at the behavior. She said that she didn't see this one coming ad can't imagine a parent being that cruel.

I didn't either. I am simply STUNNED, Mules. This woman is sick.

I hate to say it, but if she misbehaves in any ways that are emotionally damaging to your kids, you may have to seek a restraining order against her whose radius would include your neighbor's house. This CAN'T be good for the children's ability to move on and get thru this.

Puppy

[mulesqb]

Thanks Coach - I'm past the anger stage now - so I'm good. I won't screw up again. I knew I would find out at one point - just didn't think it would happen like this.

Strength and Honor.

[mulesqb]

Thanks Greek! It means a lot. Just hard to watch someone I grew a family with turn into this. But I'll be ok - you know that. Those kids keep me going everyday - I just need to get them away from this.

[mulesqb]

Thx DCBHM - I'm sure you would agree - I wouldn't wish this on anybody. Thanks for the support. I'm going to be fine. Those kids mean everything to me.

Strength and Honor.

[mulesqb]

Hey Puppy!! Thanks so much for dropping in with all that is going in your own life. Coach filled me in. So sorry to hear that - but I know how hard you tried from reading your old threads.

I totally agree with your point. I just left my lawyer a message to discuss. I actually have the court running a background check on the neighbor - that will help tremendously.

She is sick. And totally self absorbed.

Strength and Honor.

[iamlost]

Wow, Mules. Just...wow. I am so, so sorry. I think you showed superhuman restraint, actually. It's another hill you and the boys will have to climb, but I know you can do it.

I want clarify what I said earlier about changing, mostly cause I think it falls in line with this new development, and I hope it will offer some small comfort.

Yes, I do think that there are biochemical/psychological changes that happen with falling out of love with a mate, dissolving of the bonds that connected us to family. There are psychological factors related to this--depression, addiction etc.--that are actually biochemically inseparable from these dissolving bonds. (For example, an imbalance of dopamine is a factor in falling out of love, addiction--such as with an affair--and depression).

OK, I'm a huge nerd. A sad nerd that spent a lot of time trying to figure out "why?"

Basically, we humans are in a constant struggle between two opposing systems inside us--the one that wants to bond with others for life, and the one that wants to seek out novel mates and experiences. They're spiritual, and relational, but also very concretely biochemical.

What I meant earlier is that I don't think that our spouses fundamentally changed. I totally agree with you that something changed--I think they got out of balance, but the main problem is they tipped the scales in one direction, snowballing & digging themselves a hole in needing to justify their imbalance, ironically further imbalancing themselves (breaking bonds further that would keep most people veering back towards balance--literally out in the real world and also biochemically in their brains).

Your STBXW's hole is HUGE now, but it didn't start out that way. It's an unhealthy and confused unraveling of a bond, and a person. Yep, it's sick, but it can only serve you and the boys to think of her in a sympathetic vs. angry way.