BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[tpaschal]

Wow, Trusting. That was awesome. So many things you have written have truly inspired me. I'm not sure I've ever told you that. This really spoke to my heart today.

Sometimes I still struggle to believe that my life has been changed for the better, but other times I do see glimpses of it. At least, I am starting to see the possibilities.

I see so many similarities in a lot of the MLCer's. My exH also never took the time to examine himself. ...Well.....maybe that's not completely true. He acknowledged some of his insecurities, but I don't think either one of us realized how low his self-esteem really was or how deeply those insecurities affected him. He never tried to find out WHY he judged himself and everyone around him so harshly, or why he felt like a personal failure if his incredibly high expectations for every area of his life weren't met.

He wasn't a completely superficial person. He was a very good and moral man, and a wonderfully loving and generous husband and father. But he was always striving for his ideal of perfection, which did include a lot of superficial trappings. (Money, job success, social standing, a big house, high achieving kids.) And when his life didn't measure up to his expectations---or more importantly, when it DID measure up to most of his expectations only for him to realize he still wasn't "happy" and still didn't feel better about himself---he didn't know how to deal with it. And to top it off, he started freaking out about turning 40.

Instead of examining his fears and insecurities to figure out why he was feeling the way he was feeling, instead of being honest with me, instead of going to counseling, instead of making a conscious effort to work on the specific areas of his life he was unhappy with, instead of learning how to set personal goals while still being content with the blessings he already had, instead of turning to a higher power---it was easier to blame me for every bad feeling in his life. It was easier to run away and try to reinvent himself with someone new who didn't know any of his fears and weaknesses and insecurities and shameful feelings about himself.

It was easier to direct his anger and hate toward me instead of toward himself. And it still is.

He has changed a lot of the superficial things about himself---his appearance, his clothing, his bed partner, his circle of friends---but he is still the same person with the same problems. He hasn't done any work on himself. He is still lashing out at me and blaming me for all his problems, even though we separated 26 months ago, bimbOW moved in with him 23 months ago, and the divorce was final 5 months ago. He still blames others for everything that goes wrong.

It seems that this is a common story in MLC land, especially with the MLCer's who turn into "monsters."

I, on the other hand, have become aware of a lot of things about myself. Some pleasant, some extremely unpleasant. I am not blameless in what went wrong in my marriage. Some things I should have and easily could have done differently. There are some things about myself I don't like and have changed or am still striving to change. Other things I have realized are a part of who I am, a part of what makes me ME, and aren't necessarily "bad" and don't really need to be changed.

I am coming to terms with the fact that his decision to forsake his marriage vows, to turn his back on his children, to run away from his promises and commitments and responsibilities is HIS choice, NOT my failure. I am trying to stop beating myself up for not being a perfect wife. I am realizing that even if I had been perfect in every way, PERFECTION DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. Me being perfect would not have fixed what was wrong in his heart and mind.

As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human.

I love how you put this. I'm finding this to be true. I do feel light years beyond exH now. Not better than him really, just further along in my life's journey. He's gone back to adolescence; I've graduated to true adulthood. I know that he CAN reach this point someday, too, and I pray that he will. (Sooner rather than later would be good!) ;-)

When this whole MLC mess started, so many people told me that I would find happiness again. Some even said that I would eventually come to realize that this was the best thing that ever happened to me. (I don't know that I'll ever reach that point, as nothing could make the pain and betrayal my kids continue to suffer through worth it.)

But I do see now that what both my doctor and my counselor told me was very true---they both said that most men who walk out on their families eventually "wake-up" and realize that they've made a mistake, but that most often it's too late to "go home" because their wives have moved on. My counselor said sometimes it's because the woman has new love in her life, but often it's just that she has grown and changed so much that the man can't catch up. (And I know that this applies equally to WAW's and Left Behind Husbands.)

I have to keep moving forward down the path of life that God has in store for me. I hope that at some point I will meet another soul along the way and we can travel together through the rest of life. Maybe exH will catch up to me and be that person, but maybe it will be someone new. That is in God's hands.

Trusting, hope you are having a beautiful day. Thanks again for what you wrote.