It was a nice weekend if not great. W had an afternoon planned with GF which she spent, so not much time together, and two evenings out with our out of town guests (two women, so they had girls night out - I got sitter duty).
Yesterday we took a long drive with our kids and our visitors - ended up being much longer than we thought! but very nice drive through some beautiful back-woods country. W was not very close, at one point I tried to pull her aside for a romantic kiss, and that failed miserably, W just wasnt into it. She did hold my hand several times on our drive home, which only made me fall apart inside, I wanted so much for some closeness, and it felt so distant. I couldnt help but cry some, trying to keep it silent. I know my clingyness and tearyness is pushing her away - she has even stated that I am driving her crazy with it, but it is so hard.
one of W's constant complaints was that I am not close enough, dont show her often enough how I feel about her - and of course, now that I want to, she is not receptive to it. This drives me absolutely crazy. Especially after several very close evenings last week, with wonderful loving and cuddling sessions, lots of talk of futures and how much she wanted us together.
Somehow I have to supress my crazymaker. She has a lot of friends she im's and who call her all the time. She seems to keep this from me, but alot of it could be just my worried brain. I still think and realize there is a possibility of at least an EA and some of those messages are an OM, but I seriously doubt a PA as there just really hasnt been an opportunity for it. I suppose there is a possibility there is an internet EA that she just isnt ready to release, not yet ready to trust that I am fully comitted to her. Which, of course, shows that I really need to keep my crazymaker in check and not cry, not beg, not push.
She also had 2 psychic "readings" over the weekend. She says she dosnt belive these things and only did them for fun, but I know she at least somewhat belives. One of them she was telling me about and said "there is one part you wont like" - and told me she was told our M was "troubled" and would be over in 2 years. She did say she dosnt belive this and thinks that people can change it, and I forget how she said it but said something like if we can work on it we would be ok. Though she did agree it was troubled.. I guess that is true, or I wouldnt have had to come back here!
It's all so hard - we seemed to reconnect in a way we have not done for years at the beginning of the week, but the distance over the weekend has been tough. I saw so much of what I love about my W in those few days - she was happy, joyfull, full of light, but now she is back to not so much.
Have to keep reminding myself, long haul, not short wins. Hard because I want to make plans for us to do more together, find ways to be happy together.
Oh well.. another week.
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