This weekend a hotel room was provided for us during the trade show. It had a queen bed and a couch. With our history of 'bed fights' and unsleeping together in a hotel room I took the couch since it considered H's room. Problem was the couch was shorter than me and I couldn't get comfortable and my legs were aching from standing on concrete all day. I got up to close the curtains so the city lights didn't shine in my eyes. H said if I wasn't comfortable why don't I just sleep in the bed? I got up and moved to the bed with him, no touching, and he turned his back on me. Also, my sister was visiting from out of town and he invited her to stay in our room one night and I didn't even know he did until sis told me. The night she stayed H helped her turn the couch into a bed and get the blankets/pillows out. H and I slept in the bed again. Another babystep? or just keeping me confused? Why invite me to the bed and turn his back? why not tell me the sofa turns to a bed or let me know there were extra blankets so I could stay on the couch?
The weekend had many ups and a few downs. ow sighting just as I was leaving to go to dinner with a group of ladies I seldom see. ow had walked up to H and talking to him. I wanted so much to approach but I just left. In a few minutes I did need to go back and ask H for a hotel key, ow had moved away but was still near by. The other times I saw her all weekend she was alone. It was nice to observe that I am not the only one that has put a few pounds back on. HA! and SHE is turning gray too and I am not! double HAHA!
Also got a bad phone call from the people doing our chores. They found our last old cow from the original starter herd died. Just a cow, but very sentimental and I am sad. I don't expect anyone to understand that, I just wish not everything has to keep changing.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Still talking to myself.... H purchased 2 trailer loads of fencing panels. He got home with the 2nd load while I was doing chores and came to share with me where he wanted to use specific panels. He had a plan. DID Y0U HEAR THAT? H had a plan for 'our' place. Nice! the only problem is how to rejuggle and cover the check. I think I have to just keep trying to stay out of H's way while he journeys back.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
H had a rare outburst of rage at me in front of friends. He didn't like how I was doing something, grabbed things from me cussing and swearing and stomped around. I waited a minute, and then told H I had offered and wanted for him to do it and he refused, and now I would accept his apology. He stormed off muttering something. I am totally humiliated at how he verbally attacked my ability, in front of friends too.
A little time passed and H was being very soft and drawing me into his conversations with the other people. After they left he asked about the unfinished projects I have in the works with a handyman. I have talked with H about it before, asked his input, got little response.
I wonder if H's verbal attack is his way of setting me back in my place and a release of his feelings of inadequacy. I am moving forward with those unfinished projects that H has left for years. I am trying to get things done as time and money permit, with or without H's help. I'm not letting his physical absence or lack of input prevent progess. There's just so much to do it looks like a cheeseless tunnel!
I am so hurt and angry. I couldn't talk without crying. I sent H an email, and told him that I realize he sets me up to fail and I've allowed it. I told him lot's of things in a short letter. I told him that he's probably right that we will never overcome our issues and challenges when his mind is so set against it. I told him I know he doesn't respect me enough in any aspect to apologize to me but I expect him to apologize to our friends for his outburst.
I don't expect a response. H will ignore until it goes away, that's his way of coping. I don't want to ignore again, and be ignored. H needs to man up.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
(((WCW))) you can't get there until you get there, but I can say it is a pretty liberating feeling to finally be able to say I am ready to take the next big scary step and see what life has in store for me.
Only you can know when you are there
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
you can't get there until you get there, but I can say it is a pretty liberating feeling to finally be able to say I am ready to take the next big scary step and see what life has in store for me.
I have to agree with this! And only you can say when it is time.
I'm not there. I'm not ready to do H's dirty work for him, I still have the attitude that if he wants out he can put the effort into getting the end rolling. He sure showed his true cards in front of friends last night.
The circle of life - 2 new calves, so cute to watch!
Creed, are you reading? we should figure out where we can meet for coffee and apple pie sometime.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
