WAW/Affair Confirmed - Advice? #2

[DCBHM]

If your W is still in full affair mode, the performance she is giving is the one she is playing and believing in her head. She thinks, "I love these kids, and it is so sad that I don't love DCBM anymore. I wish it were different. I really love these kids, but I can't stay in a marriage when I don't love DCBM. He had an affair on me, too. He knows we don't belong together deep down, but won't admit it. I'm doing the hard thing, but it is for the best." MIL is believing it because she doesn't know any better and feels bad for you as well, ...but what can she do? (she thinks)

My biggest problem with it is this:

1. MIL has consistently stated she loves my boys and considers them grandchildren, she has just made it more 'over the top' lately which I believe is for the purpose of softening me up - because they attacked me via their attorney without regard for how it would affect me or them and were cackling like hens when they thought they were going to get what they want - up until they walked out of the first hearing in stunned recognition that I was going to war. Every dollar wasted on this D is a dollar that doesn't go towards braces, college, ballet classes, etc. I've asked MIL on multiple occasions to just encourage W to enter into counseling with me, even if only to lower the conflict and improve communication. She responds by telling me that I need counseling and W is fine.

2. W in the beginning of our relationship encouraged the boys to call her "mom" and basically went full force into making herself to appear to be the ideal mother. Since our S, she has said things like "I've wasted 5 years of my life taking care of kids that aren't mine." and she has ignored them for the most part, just staring at them and going 'uh huh' whenever they try to talk to her. This weekend was a "180" for her in terms of saying "I love you" to S8 because prior to this she looked pained even trying to show him any affection. On multiple occasions she didn't even tell them hello, just came in and out and didn't bother talking to them. It is only when MIL is with her that she has shown them any notice.

It is an act - and I do not appreciate it.

You know this, but I will repeat it. Your wife has the foggy mind of someone in an affair. Their thoughts are unclear because of the feelings they are having with this new person. She is thinking how much she feels for this other person so she can't possibly love you. It's all wrong, but it is what is going on inside of her.

Yeah, and I'm quite certain she's going to hit rock bottom before realizing she made a mistake. I'm also quite certain that with her inability to take responsibility for anything that I'm going to be long gone emotionally by the time she attempts to wake up.

The attack she had against you and the stories she made up and her trying to take your D away was one of anger. WHenever confronted of what she TRULY is doing, she is going to respond in anger. It helps cover what is truly happening. When the fog clears, there will be extreme guilt. Whether she admits it or not.

Whatever she feels is irrelevant so long as it is having legal consequences for me (and her). If she is trying to "cover up" her A by making false DV allegations and attempting to restrict access to D1 she can go right to he11 in terms of expecting me to be "Mr. Nice Guy."

I know you are focusing on your daughter, now. Which is what you need to do. Your W needs help. Keep focusing on your daughter, but don't give up hope that your marriage can still be saved. It may not be, but there is still hope that it can be. You reread the book which is good. Work on yourself. Think about the things that you need to improve on and do those things. Look good, smell good, be the man you want to be. She WILL notice. If/when she wants to come back, you have all the things you need ready. You tell her those things and if she truly is ready to come back, she will do them. First thing being to get psychological help (if she truly has those issues), second "no contact" whatsoever with the OM, and third some sort of counseling. You probably think this information is not important right now, but you never know when she may come around.

Working on myself is going to be positive no matter which way things go. I've been fairly good about causing W to take notice, but ultimately I am doing it for me instead of her.

At this point she has caused thousands of dollars in damage, legal problems, and a host of other issues. I imagine she will feel too guilty to even have the nerve to ask if she can come back.

If she is willing to get help for her psychological problems, I will stand behind her. But I can no longer be invested in that particular outcome. It is quite likely she will be diagnosed with BPD based on the abundance of evidence, much of which pre-dates her relationship with me.

This doesn't make her a bad person - but it does make it abundantly clear that I am the superior parent in terms of caring for D1.

I listed 1-2 pages back what it would take for me to resume a relationship. Based on the legal realities and threat she poses it might be more than just unwise to resume a relationship with her if she isn't completely focused on getting help.