We had a bit of "the talk" Saturday night, I know you all think we 'talk' too much, and I agree. So I basically told him that all the talking needed to stop, we either were, or we weren't. There is really no in-between that can go on for months. I told him that any more 'talking' would finish us off, for sure.
I told him that he said he wanted to be with me but wouldn't do any of the things that went along with that, touching, kissing, hugging, dates, etc etc.
That for him to sit back and analyze all the things 'wrong' with us, without allowing himself to also enjoy the things that were 'right' with us, was a recipe for divorce, it was painting a one-sided picture... He agreed, said it wasn't fair to have the one without the other...
[The reason for the convo. was Nathan's counseling session. The C had said that our in-between status was hard on Nathan. She did say not to just choose a side, if we were undecided, we were undecided. But I decided that time had run out. As John has been asked before, "Are you in or out?" It can be that simple sometimes...]
Anyway we talked and he got teary and said he couldn't try again, too afraid of being back here. He said he could tell that I was willing to let the past stay in the past and move forward, but he 'couldn't'. That for him to hold me and kiss me and be with me after all that has transpired would feel like 'faking it' to him...
I asked him to hurt me, to just tell me to my face that he did not want me to be his wife anymore, that he wanted a divorce. I told him to just say it instead of implying it. That I had his words "I don't know how to do this without you" and "I want to fix this house up for both of us to enjoy together" in my head and that I wanted him to say "I don't want to be your husband" so I could replace the other words in my head. I am sure that sounds dramatic but I was very calm and looked him in the eye the whole time and he teared up and wouldn't do it...
So anyway I said I get it, that's fine, I just needed to know. I turned around and started picking up the house and he stood there looking at me. Walked partway down the stairs, stood looking at me again so I just started turning lights off (it was 10:30 Sat. night) around the house and he stood again for a bit at the bottom of the stairs, then he left. I saw through the window (he couldn't see me as lights were off) that he went to his truck and turned back and just stood looking at the house for a minute or two before he got into his truck and left.
Well I had already been cleaning out my closet, literally, and finished up Saturday night. All of Dan's clothes/shoes/belts/ties, everything, are gone from our bedroom. There is nothing left of him in there except one wedding picture on our dresser and I didn't move it yet b/c I know Nathan likes to look at it and would notice it...
So Sunday he comes over before church, to the house. He has been meeting us at church instead so don't know why he did that. Oh well, he helped Nathan shower and get dressed so that was nice.
He was leaving again for Canada yesterday, so I told him that I had his swim trunks in case he wanted to relax one night in the hot tub or something (he is gone for 6 days). So he went in our room and I said no, they aren't in there! (The closet was open so I am sure he saw his stuff was gone)
I said come downstairs quick. He came down and I showed him the box of his stuff, next to several other boxes I have slowly been filling up with his stuff. He grabbed out his swim trunks and I showed him another box, very chipper/upbeat, said "Here is that hammock you bought in Mexico, maybe you could put it up in your backyard, it is a good hammock and a shame not to use it"--it was a hammock he bought on our last real romantic vacation, to Mexico 4 years ago.
Anyway I think he was taken aback by the fact that I had his stuff packed up, but that is part of leaving isn't it?
This morning he called, 7:30...he had called last night to say goodnight to the kids in between flights and we were busy watching Bolt with my dad so they only talked for a minute and told him all the fun stuff we were doing. So then this morning he called, I answered b/c kids were with me going to school. He just said, "Well I wanted you to know i am alive." In hindsight on pretty much every trip I have asked him to call me when he gets in so I know he made it safely, and if he doesn't call I usually call or text him, "Hope you made it okay". This time it never even crossed my mind....
I said, "Good, you are alive, was something wrong?" I thought maybe I went to bed and missed it that he had an emergency landing or something, the way he said "I am alive"...He said nothing was wrong just didn't get into hotel until 1:30. I said "Okay, glad you are okay." And gave phone to Nathan.
I am not filing yet but I am not talking to H about anything other than the kids, either. Kind of excited, planning my flower beds for spring, workout plans with my new iPod. Now that I know where we stand for real, I can focus on other things. That is surprisingly freeing.
