Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

Hello Flicka Love,

Thank you for all of your kind words and positive energy.

Well today, I finally got a call back from XW about 3:50pm, asking me what I planned to do with D8. I told her, well, since I'm just NOW getting a call back, and didn't know what was convenient for you, I hadn't planned anything. Our last call dropped (she hung up on me) before I got an answer from you, and this is the first time we've since talked.
E: Well, I told you that you could pick her up at 4:00.
ME: No, you said you were going to church and then D8 had a birthday to attend. I said, OK, what time would work for you then, and the call disconnected.
E: Are you picking her up? Are you doing something else?
ME: Well, I want to see her and talk with her fact-to-face so, yah, I'll be over shortly.

I went over and saw D8. S3 was inside, so we talked outside the front door. I carried her and talked to her. It was needed and very nice. I re-assured her that everything was going to be fine and that I loved her. I re-assured her that Daddy would get everything sorted out soon and we would have more and more regular contact again soon. XW was in her bed 'sleeping', so S3 was inside watching TV. D8 went inside to grab my blue tooth earpiece and I spent time with both of them in the front and back yards and a little in the house. S3 was bouncing on the family trampoline naked, so I had to dress him so he, D8, and I could go out front and ride bicycles/electric motorcycles. When I took S3 inside to dress him, XW barked at me to come and talk to her. I did. She said she wanted to sleep for 20 more minutes and then I could go. I said OK, turned and walked away. S3, D8 and I all had so much fun. After about 20 minutes, XW came out and I said my goodbyes to D8 and S3 and left. As I was driving away, both D8&S3 came towards me and wanted to talk more. I stopped and talked with them a bit and started to drive away. D8 was ahead of me on her bike and wanted me to stop again and talk, so I did. S3 saw us and rode his electric Harley-Davidson motorcycle down near us. XW walked down to get S3 and walked away and I drove off.

I had sent XW a proposed interim visitation and communication agreement while I'm not living in the area. I thought it looked fair and workable, but I received a nasty response, telling me what I horrible man I am and how horribly I treat her and D8&S3. It's so sad that she chooses to be so stuck in the past and either can't, or has no desire to, let the past go. Part of her letter read: "Your coming to my house to visit the children is no longer accepted due to your recent behavior towards me, my guest and our children." Ummm, I always treat her, her 'guest' and my children with respect. She's mad that I won't sign off on her decisions to parade her "good friend/co-worker/employee/'still-hasn't-been-decided" boyfriend in front of me and have me tell her it's all OK. It's not. I expect her to treat me with respect and she refuses because she feels most comfortable holding on to her ill will towards me and wearing HER wronged martyr feelings like a great, but well-worn, outfit.

She continues, "Weilding to your demading phone calls is not OK either. They are asked to call you every morning and evening. If they choose to not do that, then so be it. Your harassing phone calls severly bother them and me and needs to stop. I do not want to deal with you any more. Unless you get what you want from me, you are mean, spteful, hateful, rude, controlling and as always abusive towards me in every way." I have always called my children in the mornings to say good morning and in the evenings to say good night. Tha't always been the case. Recently, I was late making morning calls to D8 3 days in a row and D8 was so sad. I told her that I'd make sure I didn't miss her in the mornings again. This routine was established long ago to grow and nurture my bond with D8&S3 in the beginning and over time. The only one this routine bothers (harasses, according to XW) XW, and XW doesn't have to do any more than hand the phone to them. I have never requested that my children call me. I have generally always made that call. Remaining in contact with me is MY responsibility. Impeding my contact with my children is apparently Erica's joy. It's like XW's off the deep end with regard to me and I go out of my way to AVOID disputes and upsets with her, yet XW is constantly trying to start fights/confrontations/disagreement, but I simply don't engage.

The only thing I want from XW, at this point, is access to my children to talk with them and see them as agreed, so they will have regular access to their father. That seems to be too much. If NOTHING is currently happening, and I happen to have been in the same zip code, she makes the up the craziest versions of her alternate reality. The most recent BS was her telling D8 that I wouldn't be taking D8 to the Father/Daughter Dance on Sunday. No need to talk to me or verify the veracity of that hurtful statement to your 8-year old, just spit it out (hoping to look like the good/loving parent) and hope that your actions turn out to be true so she can be the saving grace. XW actually told D8 that she and/or her sister's husband, Eric, would take D8 to the dance. D8 loves her uncle but also told me, in no uncertain terms, that she absolutely did NOT want to go to the dance with Eric because he's mean (he plays too hard with them and the get hurt feelings). Nice job though, XW, knowing how your daughter is going to feel to your entire story/solution. XW just does sh*t and deals with the aftermath later by blame-shifting onto me with our 8-year old and 3-year old. VERY loving, thoughtful and responsible, don't you think?

I am still going to be moving soon, and I'll assert my rights as I'm able to claim them logistically. XW is being difficult because she feels what she's doing is right, I understand that and I pray that XW's hurts and ill feelings will fade and she'd start dealing in the reality of what IS, instead of choosing to focus on water long passed under the bridge. It must be difficult for her to be stuck in her feelings of being mistreated and abused. I do go out of my way to NOT react to her crappy behavior and words directed at me, but on occasion, in the last 2 years, I have stood up more often in an assertive and kind way, but stood up nonetheless. Movement brings clarity, and I'm finally starting to see what my counselor told me 3 years ago."You're not in love with XW. You're in love with your ideal of a marriage and your ideal of a wife, and you never had either here." I didn't want to own that because I wasn't ready to let go and heal then; just finally arriving there now. I've always viewed both her and my marriage though my rose colored glasses of seeing all of the potential/possibilities and ignoring what I've seen and experienced with her. I haven't been the sharpest tool in the shed where it comes to XW and our marriage. We were able to make 2 beautiful and perfect children together though, so I will simply avert my focus away from XW and solely onto myself and my children. I know that everything is going to become better than before and I need to focus my energy on the future and being a victor and not a victim. I will have a better and stronger relationship with D8 and S3. I will have the same with XW, only it'll be different because I, with God, will change our communication and interaction pattern by learning to be the authentic man of God that He always intended me to be before the first day. This mantra was given to me by my good friend, Tamara (now paraphrased):

"I give myself permission to release myself...from expectations that don't serve me well...and historical behavior that I no longer choose. Today is a brand new day. New thoughts, new friends, new life."

Again, movement and ACTION bring clarity. I'm making decisions today that will create my destiny.

In closing, XW is self-destructing before my eyes. It saddens me that it's taken me this long to figure it all out, but my sole focus now is getting back on my feet financially and making my new home for S8&D3.

I am living a nightmare. My friend, Tamara, is a child advocate attorney for the county courts and has told me that XW's behavior is 'classic' addict behavior. I wish I knew what that was to map it all out myself, but she's expert in the field.

My talk today with S8&D3 were healing and loving. I'm so happy I was able to hug them, explain and re-assure them that everything was going to be fine and would all be settled down soon.

Your kids love you and will understand if you are not with them day to day for awhile. Just do what it takes to survive in a healthy way. Ex-Wifey is self destructing. It will fast forward if you stop taking up the slack. {I am supposing E needs to flat-line before she recovers... she is running crazy wild.} Where is her mother? MIL used to mitigate things ...

I know they will understand, and our talk and spending time together amidst all of XW's crazy making was critically important. What's even more important is getting myself on stable ground so if and when XW does 'flatline' I'll be prepared to take up the necessary slack. MIL did use to mitigate XW's erratic and wild behavior, but XW now has a new job away from mom with employees she can have as 'yet-to-be-decided' boy toys. She's gonna crash. Trying not to focus on her. Focus on myself is what I'm doing now. Ex-MIL is basically out of the picture living her life and watching from afar.

I am suffering. i will change my thinking and continue working to get out of this hole. I will find something to do to generate an income and save money to get back on my feet financially and put my life back in order for me and my children. Thank you.

'Til next journaling.