Another interesting day. He hasn't helped with the kids' expenses since he left. Kinda hard to do when you're unemployed. So he qualified for an extension and they gave him a partial month this week. I only found out because the kids told me he bought them candy with his credit card. So I asked him if he was going to give me a partial payment (probably not very DB'ing of me). He told me no since he had paid his $145 cell phone bill and had only received $250. I was like, well I've been taking care of them by myself since you left, it would have been nice to have some assistance when you became able to. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because he texted me this very angry text saying that he had supported me for the 10 years that I was a stay at home mom and one month of me doing it wasn't going to kill me. So I told him that I hadn't intended to start an argument or make him angry, thanked him for allowing me to stay home for all of those years, stated that I realize it must have been a burden for him, and apologized for seeming greedy or ungrateful. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I honestly hadn't realized he was that resentful of the time I spent at home. Of course it was something that he said but it was more like it will be nice when you start working again. I seriously wish I had realized how deeply it bothered him. I have no idea how I can do a 180 to show him that I understand and that I have no intention of letting him shoulder that burden alone anymore. Any suggestions?
I picked the kids up an hour earlier than we had agreed because he was going through his thing where his head feels like it's swimming and he can't focus on anything. When he's like that everything makes him angry. That could have had something to do with the blow up, but not much given the topic. I don't know how to put the depressed/bipolar side into the equation. It's something that I know is affecting him, but I'm not around him enough anymore to see how it's manifesting itself.
I feel like I'm at a standstill. I don't know how to effectively DB at this point. I think that going dark except for the kid related things is working, but I'm not sure how well. I'm more than likely expecting too much from it too soon . . . patience isn't exactly a strength of mine. My cheerful attitude has worked since he's commented on it and seems to enjoy spending time with happy me. I forgot to mention this, but when we were sheet shopping he said he wanted to watch the new X-Men movie that's coming out at the end of May with me. Score for me. He's noticed my 180 of taking charge of my life with the car and going back to school. I'm not too sure what he thinks about it, but he has said a couple of good for yous and you go girls . . . so he's at least saying he's happy for me. I would love to know if it's impacting him in any way. Now that I'm listing it out like that it does seem as though I am making some progress. He doesn't cringe at the sight of me and hasn't said that I'm making his skin crawl. Apparently patience is my biggest issue here. That's something I can definitely work on.
I think a lot of what gets me down and kills my PMA is the thought that this may not work in the end. I know that's looking to far ahead and defeating the purpose of what I'm doing since it's supposed to be for me and all. I'm the one who freaked out and thought something terrible had happened when he was home late from work without calling. I have a hard time just focusing on today and acting as if when I feel like my whole world is crumbling around me. I read on another post that missing the WAS is a good thing and detaching too much usually will lead to D, but is it healthy to think about the WAS until the moment you fall asleep, dream about them, and then wake up and start it over again? It's not like I'm obsessing about what he's done, I'm missing him in my life and wondering what he's up to. I rarely have a moment when a memory isn't playing in my mind or I'm not wishing he were home. I don't know how to detach enough to make it ok for him not to be home or if that's a goal I should have right now. This is probably a place where patience is needed too.
So he just im'ed me to tell me that I really pissed him off today with the money thing. I apologized again, told him I understood his need to take care of himself as well, and assured him that I know he will take care of his children. We said some stuff about it being hard for him to find a job and he said he'd find one eventually and then signed off to go to bed. Stuff like this is what I don't get. Why did he find the need to sign on just to tell me I pissed him off? Was he expecting me to get into a fight with him about it and demand money? I'm not that kind of baby momma, geez! I wonder if he signed off so quickly because I didn't argue. Maybe I took the wind out of his sails by not getting into it with him. Now there's a thought.
Meli, You have no reason to feel bad about asking him about money! He is the father of the kids, he has an obligation to take care of them, too. I don't think that it was a backslide, or a outside the realm of DBing to ask for money, especially if you need it. You are entitled to it, so it was within your rights to ask. His blow up about it was out-of-line. It isn't as though you are using the money for bon-bons and pedicures! You bought him sheets for his bed fer cryin out loud and then he has the nerve to blow up on you for asking him to pay his share of the kids' expenses? wow.
You handled it well, though. I wouldn't have been as agreeable, but that is just me. You have to pick your battles and maybe this one just isn't as important. Let him have the battle while you work on the strategy to win the war (your M).
Another thing that bothers me about his attitude: you have three kids at home! Does he think that kids raise themselves? He has no right or reason to say that you have been eating cake for 10 years. I can be a major hypocrite, and on this issue I certainly am! My W was a SAHM for 14 years, and the minute she walked out, I initially called her a cake-eater, too! Now that I'm a single parent, I can see the amount of work that it takes to raise a family, and the fact that my W did it almost entirely by herself gives me a new sense of respect and admiration for her. I hope that your H comes to this realization in time, too.
You are working on making yourself better. You are taking classes, working on your career, etc. If that doesn't show your H that you want to contribute to the financial welfare of the family then nothing will. Don't stew over this point; you are doing just fine.
As far as detaching goes, I've found that the more detached I became, the better I felt about stuff. The first three months I was obsessive and depressed. After that, as I started just dealing with life events and not worrying so much about her, I noticed a night-and-day difference in my mood. Not to lie, but I still think about my W but I usually don't get depressed about it any more. I still do wake up alone in the night and wish she was there, though...
Be strong, Meli, you are still doing what is right and you are approaching each encounter correctly. Just be patient (yeah, I hear you about patience not being one out our virtues!) and sit back and see what happens.
I hope you have a good week!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Tomorrow is my day off and I want to call him so badly to see if he wants to do something. It's totally against everything I've been doing, I know. I just miss him so stinking much. I miss spending time with him and just hanging out. I hate not talking to him and only discussing kid related things. I am so scared that giving him all of this space will make him forget me completely.
I can't stop from thinking about his EA. She's in another country for crying out loud! What can happen with this? I don't want to obsess about the what ifs, but I would really like to know what can happen so I can prepare myself. Yeah, that's not going to happen. I'm so ripped apart by all of this. I want to stop crying all of the time and missing him and thinking about him. It hurts so damn much. I wish I could be angry so I wasn't always in so much pain, but that's not the way I am. I'm sure there are things I should be angry about but the most I get is irritated. Is that even normal?
I know there is no magic cure for this. Nothing is going to make this go any faster other than a serious miracle. Days like today make me feel like I can't bear this one more minute. It hurts so damn much.
Hey Dl, nice name change! The obsessing about the OP is definitely the worst part for me too. To the fogged-out mind it just doesn't matter if they are living with the OP or if they are on opposite sides of the world. They have this grand delusion that life with the OP is going to be so much better, so much sweeter, etc. etc. etc.
Phooey. It won't be until they wake up from their haze and realize what they were leaving behind to live their perfect fantasy life that the LBS really has any chance.
Don't be too quick to want to feel anger toward your H, either. Having been down that road I can tell you that anger doesn't make the hurt go away. In fact, anger just makes you feel resentment for all the pain that you are feeling. It is far better to keep yourself distracted and away from things that make you feel down. That is the super hard part though because there are so many triggers that make us think of our Sps. I used to break down in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store because in my previous life my W and I would always go shopping together, and shopping alone was a stark reminder of how alone I was. My solution was to always bring my kids with me shopping!
If solitude is painful for you, then try to be somewhere where you aren't alone. That can be hard when you have the day off and the kids are at school. I used to surprise my S16 by showing up at his school and taking him to lunch as something to do during the day.
You will get through this. When it hurts, let it all out. Cry until your eyes are puffy so that when you do talk to him or your kids that you will have your emotional balance back and keep up the good work that you have blogged here about.
So how are your GAL activities coming? What are you doing to make disneylove97 happy today?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thank you so much PD. Your words help more than you can imagine.
I'm registering for classes tomorrow. I want to be really ambitious and take 3 classes, but I don't know how well that will go with the shorter semester over the summer. I may just risk it. It will definitely keep me busy. I'm thinking of starting a spinning type class here in town. It meets twice a week and would be easy for me to do after work, but I'm not sure if they'll have something to do for the kids. I've been reconnecting with old friends which has been nice. I plan on signing up for a knitting class. I've always wanted to learn and now's my chance. I'm contemplating doing a book club or something that will allow me to meet some new people. I'm working on it!
DL, it sure sounds like you have everything under control in the GAL category. If classes, books clubs, and reconnecting with old friends doesn't help you focus on yourself (to say nothing of your kids!) then nothing else will.
Question though, are the 3 classes you are going to sign up for in addition to the radiology classes? And what exactly is a spinning class?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
The three classes are the prerequisite classes I need to take before I can apply for the radiology program. After those I'll need to take 3 more and then apply for the program. A spinning class is an exercise class where you do aerobic-y things on stationary bikes. At least I think it is. I need to get active and release some of this stress.
I ended up having to go to H's house to pick up a necklace my D had left when they were there. I tried getting her to wait until the next time they're over, but it's a special necklace and she had to have it. It was pleasant. We had lunch together and he had planned on hanging out a little but he ended up getting another migraine. It has me a little worried because he's never gotten them as frequently as he is now, but he is under stress and that always brings them out. I was disappointed, but happy with the time I got and that he intended to hang out a little. He's more relaxed around me and the teasing flirtation is creeping back into our conversations.
One thing I need to keep doing is reminding myself that it's too soon to gauge any kind of R progress at this point. I have to keep stopping from wondering if he's been thinking about us in a more positive way because it's too soon to tell. He hasn't mentioned D at all. I don't know if it's because he's not eager to do anything about it or if it's because he can't afford to at the moment. I'm really worried that as soon as he gets some money he's going to go to the courthouse and file. I'm trying not to out too much thought into something that hasn't happened, but it's in the back of my mind.
So I realized this morning that I have falled off my DB'ing bandwagon. It started Easter weekend when he contacted me. I thought I had blown it off and played it cool, but looking back I realize that I slowly started pursuing him again. I got too eager and started going forward with I don't know what.
I keep finding reasons to see him, like the necklace. It didn't really need to be picked up. My D could have lived without it, but I agreed because it would give me a reason to go to his house. Instead of just picking it up and leaving I engaged my H in a conversation and cleverly got him to suggest lunch.
I don't think that I've really done the LRT to it's fullest extent. I don't think I'm doing myself any favors with what I'm doing. It's time for me to regroup and refocus on GAL and stop trying to create situations to see him. If he wants to see me then he'll just have to call.
He's noticed my 180 of taking charge of my life with the car and going back to school. I'm not too sure what he thinks about it, but he has said a couple of good for yous and you go girls . . . so he's at least saying he's happy for me. I would love to know if it's impacting him in any way. Now that I'm listing it out like that it does seem as though I am making some progress. He doesn't cringe at the sight of me and hasn't said that I'm making his skin crawl. Apparently patience is my biggest issue here. That's something I can definitely work on.