Strange New World

[native]

On the way home, I read a very appropos book for my situation. It was called 'Forgiving the Dead Man Walking' by Debbie Morris.

I would recommend it to anyone who's spouse is struggling with rape trauma. It is very helpful re: understanding the anger, distrust, loneliness and depression that a rape victim can struggle with and filled me with renewed compassion for my wife.

I did bring it to her when I dropped off some clothes for our d this evening. She asked about it but things did not go the way I had hoped, but more along the lines of what I expected.

She did not want to read anything heavy, felt like she was living it, knew everything that woman was going through anyway, and would have rather that I would have told her how it helped me to understand her feelings rather than me try to give her something to fix her.

Of course, in her anger, she was misfiring all over the place and missing badly.

I left as there was no way anything constructive was going to happen, but resumed the conversation by text, which actually ended well enough, but lasted for a solid 50 minutes.

Her convo was still peppered with accusations here and there, but along with some admissions about the hardness of her heart and not feeling anything and her long 7 years of lonliness, I think I was able to convince her that I was beginning to understand her struggles.

Though the whole convo was unpleasant and bumpy, I think it was right on target because it really hit a nerve with her.

Some of her early texts were irrational. By that I mean she completely ignored her part in my becoming upset and characterized my behaviour in deciding to leave as 'storming out' and 'blaming' her.

Not quite the reality.

Her tone was bitter and sarcastic for a while, but I kept it on a non-accusatory and understanding tone.

She still blames me for not knowing what to do with her rape trauma fallout for the last 7 years of our marriage.

Msm, you may be the only one who knows this, but I couldn't figure out what our problems were related to, much less know how to respond to a deeply wounded rape trauma victem who has denied her trauma and its effects for 7 years.

Anyway, we are far from happyville, but it helps me to feel a little better to understand where she is coming from and that it's not really about me.

And it enables me to have a lot more patience and understanding for her raging. She is hurting deeply.

I can't fix her, but I threw out a rope in suggesting she read the book. She may not read it for some time, but she would do well to see how someone else found meaning and healing in spite of suffering a much more traumatic situation than she has described to me.