On Saturday XH was here all day long, working with son on his car. We had a nice lunch together and he was in and out of the house all day--- usually not passing by without a hug. He didn't leave until about 1 a.m.
Today he called me at about 12:00. I was in the grocery store. We talked for a few minutes and then I asked if there was anything he needed while I was there. He asked, "are you serious?" I said, "sure, why not?" He asked for a couple of items- no big deal. I said it would be no problem at all, and we actually were still chatting as I located the things and put them in my cart. He thanked me, even choking up a bit as he said, "You are......the best."
He was here when I got home- he stayed for a couple hours then said he needed to get back to work on his house.
I asked him what he got done this weekend and listened as he told me all about it and described what he still needed to do. I have offered before to help, but he never really replies. A couple of weeks ago when I offered to drive son over there for their Monday night together he said something like, "You better watch it! I might have to put you to work in here!" But, it never happened.
I would like to help--- it would be a good thing for us because in our marriage I didn't like to do house projects. Mind you, I didn't mind the work, I just didn't like how he did them. If we worked in the yard, for example, he would try to be efficient and work in the back while I worked in the front--- while I would want to work side by side. If you haven't gotten it yet, I like to talk! So, working alone in the yard was never fun for me if he was out there, too. I would usually end up just doing the inside things while he was out there. I figured there was no point in following his schedule if we weren't going to be together anyway.
So, now this would be a chance to just be an efficient worker-- no need to talk. I am better at that now, seeing as I am alone so much now.
The one bad thing I did this weekend was to push that a little. When he complained about all of the work I said, "you know, I would be happy to help you." He was noncommital. So, I said, "is there a reason you don't want my help?" He didn't really answer, so I said, "I'm serious." He said he didn't know. I should have let it go, but I just don't understand this. So, I told him that I would do my best work (he is very particular), or if need be just do clean-up while he and son worked. He said, "actually, that's not a bad idea- the three of us working together could get a lot done." I dropped it then. I shouldn't have taken it that far, I know. I just don't understand his reluctance for the help- judging by how much he is here.
In some ways I am feeling a little burnt out on this--- I feel as though I am working so hard to change this, change that (mind you, I realize I needed to change some things), keep up my PMA...and I give, give, give without asking for anything in return. (I was just reminded of a line from one of my favorite movies, Bull Durham: "What's in it for me?) I don't actually feel as if I am owed something, but I would like a gesture like a movie or dinner or something.
This is why I mess this up over and over. I get to this point and get impatient. Don't worry-- since I know this I will be careful not to. Maybe if I ride this out a bit I can see if something comes next, seeing I never make it this far.
OK, I just reached another goal. XH just called me as he was on his way home from a weekly sporting event. Early on in our separation he would call as he drove home. He stopped doing that. It is funny, because I looked at the clock a couple of hours ago and thought about that. I was thinking about my desire to have those days back again-- with no real hope of it being anytime soon. About a half hour ago he called as he was driving home- "just to say hi." We had a nice chat and he said he'd talk to me tomorrow.
I feel like I am getting back to the days where he is thinking about me when we are apart.
So, my goal this week is to not blow this again by getting all needy and demanding. I have lots of things on my agenda this week, so that should not be a problem.
