Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

I haven't posted in a few days since I haven't done very well with my DB-ing. Haven't avoided my H much. Our girls had a musical performance Thursday and H sat with me and our friends-first time we've all been together since he moved out. Seemed OK, but later H left abruptly without seeing the girls. When I texted him to see if he was still in the building/bathroom-he said he'd left for home and was having intestinal issues-kind of weird..
Friday we had lunch together and all seemed fine. The performance for Friday evening was postponed due to our mini-blizzard.

Saturday H came over to help me pick up the girls from various sleepovers(he has all-wheel drive and I don't) then he was taking them out for the afternoon(as I had asked him to take them for part of the weekend b/c I'm getting burned out. He took them for 3 hours.)

H dropped the girls off without coming in the house. I had gotten H and the girls free basketball tickets for Saturday night. I called H to see if we(he and I could use the tickets)-he answered "No" very abruptly-kind of surprised me but I should have known better. I immediately thought he had planned to go with the OW, but will never know. Later I did pass on a message to H from his dad via text. H hasn't told his parents he moved out(scared of their reaction/judgement) and his dad had left a message on our home answering machine for H to call him back. I never heard from H last night or today.

I'm Ok with all of this as this seems to be what H wanted when he moved out(although his words/actions are still conflicted) I'm at a place of acceptance. I accept that this situation stinks, but it is where I am. I think the hard part for me emotionally is that we were getting along overall most of last week. The only time I mentioned anything taboo(R/OW/A) was when I told H I'd gotten tested for STDs (b/c he slept with OW without protection then slept with me)and was fine. He thought I was attacking him..(maybe I subconsciously was-I was pretty angry and embarassed by asking for those tests). But we had been fine since that faux pas.
The rollercoaster ride is difficult. Dealing with my anger on my own without being able to express it or get it out is difficult. Seeing how long a journey lies ahead is overwhelming.

Seeing the man I knew for 21 years to be somewhat self-aware and open-minded, become totally unaware(and in denial) of what he is going through, and close-minded and guarded about everything is extremely difficult and frustrating. Seeing the devoted father who loves his daughters more than anything, not even bother to contact them each day is so very sad to me. The lying, the cheating, the living the single/carefree life while married, the deserting his family and especially daughters all STINKS!

Even though it was a beautiful day today, I just felt sad and tired and angry today. Next week is our first group communication class..I'm going to try to be "upbeat" and detached, rather than how I really feel(at least at this moment) which is angry, rejected, sad and tired.

More and more in my mind I am a single mom(without the benefit of dating or sex!)..I look to the future without H and am trying to make plans without him. Its hard and it makes me very sad, but I am trying.