Another interesting day. He hasn't helped with the kids' expenses since he left. Kinda hard to do when you're unemployed. So he qualified for an extension and they gave him a partial month this week. I only found out because the kids told me he bought them candy with his credit card. So I asked him if he was going to give me a partial payment (probably not very DB'ing of me). He told me no since he had paid his $145 cell phone bill and had only received $250. I was like, well I've been taking care of them by myself since you left, it would have been nice to have some assistance when you became able to. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because he texted me this very angry text saying that he had supported me for the 10 years that I was a stay at home mom and one month of me doing it wasn't going to kill me. So I told him that I hadn't intended to start an argument or make him angry, thanked him for allowing me to stay home for all of those years, stated that I realize it must have been a burden for him, and apologized for seeming greedy or ungrateful. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. I honestly hadn't realized he was that resentful of the time I spent at home. Of course it was something that he said but it was more like it will be nice when you start working again. I seriously wish I had realized how deeply it bothered him. I have no idea how I can do a 180 to show him that I understand and that I have no intention of letting him shoulder that burden alone anymore. Any suggestions?
I picked the kids up an hour earlier than we had agreed because he was going through his thing where his head feels like it's swimming and he can't focus on anything. When he's like that everything makes him angry. That could have had something to do with the blow up, but not much given the topic. I don't know how to put the depressed/bipolar side into the equation. It's something that I know is affecting him, but I'm not around him enough anymore to see how it's manifesting itself.
I feel like I'm at a standstill. I don't know how to effectively DB at this point. I think that going dark except for the kid related things is working, but I'm not sure how well. I'm more than likely expecting too much from it too soon . . . patience isn't exactly a strength of mine. My cheerful attitude has worked since he's commented on it and seems to enjoy spending time with happy me. I forgot to mention this, but when we were sheet shopping he said he wanted to watch the new X-Men movie that's coming out at the end of May with me. Score for me. He's noticed my 180 of taking charge of my life with the car and going back to school. I'm not too sure what he thinks about it, but he has said a couple of good for yous and you go girls . . . so he's at least saying he's happy for me. I would love to know if it's impacting him in any way. Now that I'm listing it out like that it does seem as though I am making some progress. He doesn't cringe at the sight of me and hasn't said that I'm making his skin crawl. Apparently patience is my biggest issue here. That's something I can definitely work on.
I think a lot of what gets me down and kills my PMA is the thought that this may not work in the end. I know that's looking to far ahead and defeating the purpose of what I'm doing since it's supposed to be for me and all. I'm the one who freaked out and thought something terrible had happened when he was home late from work without calling. I have a hard time just focusing on today and acting as if when I feel like my whole world is crumbling around me. I read on another post that missing the WAS is a good thing and detaching too much usually will lead to D, but is it healthy to think about the WAS until the moment you fall asleep, dream about them, and then wake up and start it over again? It's not like I'm obsessing about what he's done, I'm missing him in my life and wondering what he's up to. I rarely have a moment when a memory isn't playing in my mind or I'm not wishing he were home. I don't know how to detach enough to make it ok for him not to be home or if that's a goal I should have right now. This is probably a place where patience is needed too.
He's noticed my 180 of taking charge of my life with the car and going back to school. I'm not too sure what he thinks about it, but he has said a couple of good for yous and you go girls . . . so he's at least saying he's happy for me. I would love to know if it's impacting him in any way. Now that I'm listing it out like that it does seem as though I am making some progress. He doesn't cringe at the sight of me and hasn't said that I'm making his skin crawl. Apparently patience is my biggest issue here. That's something I can definitely work on.
