SC, You have had several email commuications w/your h about a lot of things, now you need to step back, back off and do what you need to do to move forward. Your h is getting very annoyed and angry w/the situation. He's frustrated that you aren't getting the picture, it's the picture that only he sees.
SC, please, please stop trying to rationalize w/him. The more you communicate w/him about what he's promised to do at your house, the bills, the accounts, etc., the more frustrated and angry he will become.
As for the children, they need to work out their issues w/their father...you cannot be the umpire in this one.
Protect yourself, do what you need to do to get his name off of things and your name put on the utilities, etc. Your h sounds so much like my xh and believe me when I say this, he's only going to wait so long and then things will be cut off, i.e., just like that account. Their patience span is very, very short.
Do not contact him again...let him come to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for your post. Yes, I do not plan to contact him at all anymore at this point other than to send him the bankruptcy papers when I finish them. At this point, I truly do NOT want to be incontact with him at all. Really!! It just adds to the pain.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
.... Your h sounds so much like my xh .....Do not contact him again...let him come to you.
Do I recall correctly that your H left and moved across country and never returned? I'm really thinking that my H will do the same (although he'll stay because of his job) but I don't think he will ever look back. Ever. And even if he did......I'm pretty sure he would never do what it would take to help me get past all this and rebuild.
I know it's all his loss. But that really doesn't help the way I feel. His new OW is supposedly a "professional woman" who has been divorced for 20 years and raised her kids on her own. She sounds like a paragon of womanhood, and right up his alley. And because he met her after the seperation, he doesn't see the relationship as "adulterous" and I'm sure neither does she.....I know.....too much head space.
I get very angry at myself. Sometimes I feel like I will never really get past this. Never. I get a little better and then something else happens that knocks me down, and I get discouraged. Right this second I am really just trying to not think, and just breathe!!
I really need to get more diligent at practicing my meditation.
Again, thank you for posting Snodderly. I really do value your wisdom and advice. Really!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Hi SC, My x of 30 years, just left and moved to another country! as far as I know he has never looked back. It hurts but it does get easier and life gets better and eventually you start to live again,take delight in the small things again and one day you will actually go a whole day and he will not cross your mind and you will really laugh out loud at something funny without out it being forced. No one knows what will happen, but healing takes alot of time and I mean alot. Please be kind to yourself accept you will have bad days and low energy levels, lack of concentration etc and look after your body,mind and spirit. I never wanted it but for me no contact was the only way to save my sanity. Take care.
I know I am so lucky in so many ways. I actually have a good relationship and the respect and support of my kids. I have friends to do things with so I don't have to be alone unless I want to.
I even have a guy who sort of pursuing me (or at least made it known he is interested in the possibility of a relationship some day if I ever get there emotionally) and he makes me laugh a lot, so I know there may even be life romantically out there for me if I choose even without my H.
But none of that seems to really take away the pain more than temporarily. I guess I am being impatient again/still. Of course it takes time because we are people who actually mean it when we make a commitment and don't give our hearts lightly. I wouldn't change that about me really, because I do firmly believe that the greatest gifts of life are the relationships we make and those are what will be important when we are on our deathbed.....at least that's the way I feel. Unfortunately, to care the way we do also opens us up for great pain.
So, naej, you're in the UK!?? Would love to hear where.......I have always wanted to go there and I have a solid plan to really do that within the next 5 years! I am on the alt. If you are too, look me up under "SChrldr".
[[[[[hugs]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
SC, You've got me mixed up w/someone else. My xh lives approximately 1 hour from me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You really need to get a lawyer, pronto. The ball is already rolling and your h has already been lulling you with promises not to file for D. You have absolutely no reason to trust him. At all! He's way further along in the process than you and you don't want to be caught flat-footed this time.
I know what I'm talking about because I live in WA as well, and I know that you should not be rushed into anything. My h tried to get a quick D and I contested it. You should too with the assets you have. Once your h files for D, contest it. That will give you at least another year, possibly 18 months because you can't get a court date any sooner than that.
DO NOT LET HIM BULLY YOU OR WOO YOU INTO ANYTHING!!!
He will most certainly have to divide the assets fairly and will most likely have to pay some amount of spousal support. Mine did during the time we were separated and he has to pay my COBRA for a couple years since we D'd. I could have gotten more if we had gone to trial. Oh, and he also had to pay some of my atty fees.
Please, again, don't let him roll over you on this one. Your being nice and cooperative with him at this point won't help you at all. They only take advantage of your love for them to get what they want.
Instead, let him think you're playing along and when he files, contest it. Repeat after me: contest it. Because the day he files, the clock starts ticking and if you don't contest, your D will be final in three months.
And DON"T SIGN ANYTHING OR ACCEPT ANY LEGAL PAPERS WHAT-SO-EVER FROM HIM!! He will try to pull this crap under the guise of "saving you both money". Don't fall for this either. Have your L deal with his L. I'm serious.
Thanks, Kimmie, for your concern and knowledgable advice. I've talked to a couple lawyers but haven't "retained" one as yet.
H is so strange. He says he wants a D but hasn't taken the steps.....even with the bankruptcy.....talk but no action. So, I think I am just going to get my part of the bankruptcy papers together and get them to him then wait and see what he does(everyplace I've talked to or read says it's better to do the bankruptcy first).
I am really not sure what is best to do on the filing for D issue. My MIL says I should file because that is the only thing that H will see as a "change" in me and might have a hope of "making him look again". But, it is against my principles because I don't want the D and I want H to have to take the responsibility and make the effort for getting the D.
Anyway if/when he does file, I will likely contest as you suggest, and get the specific advice of an attorney at that time.
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
What makes you think he's not taking steps?? Of course he is taking steps. He's already done that with your joint account.
The ball is rolling. Good for you for not filing. Sit back and let it play out. Oh, and one more thing: DO NOT FILE!! But do retain an atty. That way you will be ready.
