True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[Silver Fox]

I've decided to move over to the MLC forum from Newcomers. I've been there since last fall and I don't feel very new anymore. Been at this for 2 years now and it's abundantly clear that my H is in MLC and in a very addicted, co-dependent, unhealthy "romantic" A.

Here is a synopsis of my tale:

April '07 - Out of the blue H drops first bomb, moves out to be "by himself", wants to learn how to pay his own bills, concentrate on his tenure portfolio which is due in August, thinks this will be good for us, etc. I was devastated and of course did everything wrong to get him back. He leaves me in a drafty, old house to fend for myself, taking care of two dogs that he insisted on getting, and still paying all the bills from our joint account. He spends most of the summer in Florida at his moms to finish the tenure paperwork - we've gone there at least twice a year for the past 19 years, boating, fishing, planned on retiring there - his mom notices that he rarely went out on the boat and said he didn't take pleasure anymore "pulling fish from their watery homes". His Swedish grandfather taught him to fish. It's in his blood. This kind of comment was totally out of character.

August '07 - Surprise! Admits to OW. They met 20 years ago in graduate school (our first year of marriage). She's vegetarian and an animal rights activist. This explains the fishing comment. Oh, and now he too is a vegetarian - we live in the South and he has always loved barbeque. Tenure deadline passes, he doesn't turn in his portfolio - never finished the work, (guess he was distracted). OW has to have surgery, he travels out-of-state 400 miles every weekend to help her recover and help with her animals - she has twelve cats - hence my nickname for her - Catbitch.

September '07 - May '08 - He continues to travel to see the Catbitch EVERY weekend - I try to be nice, accepting, understanding, blech! He comes over once or twice a week to hang out, does his laundry, cuts the grass, makes a few pathetic attempts to work on the house, and watches TV. We even spend 4 tortuous days in Fl. after Christmas (he spends Christmas week with Catbitch and her family). We try to have R talks but I always end up crying and saying I want him to come home, all he says is "I didn't mean for this to happen, I don't want to hurt you, my feelings just changed, I can't help it, I have to follow my heart".

July '08 - H files for D - says it's to get us out of limbo and just to get the ball rolling - we can always change our minds, it will still take up to 6 months. By now I have DB and am trying new tactics - no calls, emails. I retain my own L after he says we can share his and "please can't we work together on this, please don't contest this". I find out that Catbitch threatens to break it off with him if I contest. Hmmm.

September '08 - I file counterclaim, stating adultery and abandonment. Not a word from H until December. He sends a pitiful email asking to meet and "toast Christmas". I ignore it.

January '09 - He tries another email - we need to talk about finances, about what to do with the house, etc. can't we meet? I send email back- "I don't want to see you anymore if you are still involved with someone else. I will not talk with you about a D. If you insist on this path my L will handle it". I implement complete Darkness. I'm getting stronger.

February '09 - H continues to come to the house once a week when I'm at work to fill his salt water aquarium which I refuse to take care of. He leaves a note saying he's running out of money and may have to declare bankruptcy (he's nearly maxed out 3 credit cards). I call my L and he says it's time for mediation, which is required in this state in a contested D.

March '09 - Mediation is a bust - two hours of sending terms back and forth (we're in separate rooms) then his L has to leave before any conclusion (good for me since I'm still trying to stall this, hoping the Catbitch fantasy will die down eventually.

April '09 - H comes to the house for his usual visit but, surprise! I'm home for spring break. He asks if we can talk. I do my best DB job ever just listening to his non-sense ranting. I don't interrupt or argue or, most importantly, cry. His teaching job ends in May, he only has three paychecks left, and "how can I get a job this summer and be expected to work on the house too?" He says I "humiliated" him at mediation with my pictures of the house (its one big unfinished project, impossible to sell). I finally get to use Puppy's much loved phrase "CONSEQUENCES" - H just looks at me. He has big ideas on what to do with the house - we could rent it or I could get a "female" roommate. Also, if I could just "suffer" (yes he said suffer) through one more year then we could probably sell it once the economy recovers, and would I look over his ideas if he puts it in writing? Sure!

In the meantime, he still continues to travel to OW's every weekend and he's even looking for a job in her state. Does he think he's just going to move there - D or not? He has an appointment with a bankruptcy L this week so I expect to hear from him again soon.

Gosh, this was just going to be a brief overview to catch everyone up to speed. Guess it's hard being brief when a 20 year marriage and a crazed H are falling apart. I've never written a long post so I guess I'm due. It sure does help me though to see in writing what kind of journey this has and continues to be. There's even more about H's personality changes and the Catbitch's hold on him that I'll save for later.

Thanks for reading. I'll try to link my other threads.