The adventure continues--part 3

[AFWAW]

Well, she just left to go get some more stuff from her apartment. She talked and talked told me how sorry she was and that it would never happen again. She asked me how I was and I told her--I was completely honest--I told her I was miserable. She said are you going to be able to get over this. I said yeah, eventually. She asked if I was angry--nope, just hurt and dissapointed.

I know I asked for this. I prayed for this and I have to face this. I won't be posting anymore at home because I don't want the wife to see that I've been posting personnal stuff about us. So, after this post I'll limit it to work.

She's already back. That was my stipulation. She had to come back today and end the affair today. So far so good. We'll see how things progress from here. The apartment and money at this point are just logistics to be worked out later. The important thing is that she's home and the affair is over.

[antlers]

I am happy for you that your wife is back home with you. I know that you love her. Compassion for your wife, and compassion for yourself, will help you through the emotions that you are now experiencing. Compassion is the lifeblood of families. Again, your prayers have been answered...your wife is back home with you. Congratulations.

[Kimmie Lee]

i am happy for you as well.

stay strong.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

Will she agree to write the OM a no-contact letter? Also, any other men with whom she may still be in contact? This is very important, and YOU need to approve the content, and YOU need to mail it (so that she doesn't add anything to it). Waywards will usually not want to hurt their OM/OW more than they feel they already have, as sick as that sounds, so this step is very important.

She'll also need to change her cellphone #, and if you don't get real-time detailed billing on your home phone (I do with Comcast Digital Voice), then you should change that as well. Her new cellphone # should be in your name, and with detailed billing that comes to YOU. There are other details about transparency you'll need to know; just google "infidelity" and "transparency" and "no-contact letter" and you'll find some good resources.

You need to be prepared: if she truly did (and does) end contact, she is going to go into HARD WITHDRAWAL for 2-3 weeks. It's ugly. And TOTAL withdrawal may take up to six months or more. That is IF she maintains no-contact; ANY contact with him again -- even a negative one -- can set her "clock" back to 0:00.

Affairs are drugs, and she needs to work this out of her system.

I'm glad she came clean; that's good. Be sure and tell her that you APPRECIATE that she told you, and validate that you know it wasn't easy for her to do that.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

I'd also recommend that you NOW, ahead of time, take some quiet time to pray and reflect and decide how many "strikes" you are willing to put up with in terms of re-contact.

ANY further contact is a deal-breaker? (no strikes)

ONE, but only if she proactively self-confesses it?

ONE even if YOU find out about it?

Two or more??

I suggest this because if it does happen, at the time you'll be so distraught you won't be thinking clearly, so it's a good idea to decide ahead of time just what you are (and aren't) willing to put up with.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would also suggest the book "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring.

[mindfull]

AFWAW - I am so sorry. You are truly a man of honor. I'm so proud of how you handled her. I hope you have the confidence NOW to take Puppy's advice, and further the transparency with the cell, time, etc... We're praying for you. How's your daughter? Remember, age appropriate information!!! I don't worry about you. I worry about what your W will say to her. She truly has not given any thought to your D's interests and well-being... Chin up! You are a strong man! You have been incredible! Use your strength now to push forward, and make your OWN decisions!

[AFWAW]

Puppy,
She stayed for about 3 hours and then I said are you doing to tell our D? She said yes and my daughter didn't know how to react. My wife got upset and left. I called and said what's the deal? You can't come back and then leave again, that's no good. She said I need time to think. I said, that's messed up. You already did the hard part, just come back home. She even went as far as asking my daughter what bedroom furniture she wanted from her apartment. She finally called me and said she just couldn't face me or look at me right now. I said, do I have anything to worry about right now? She said no, I'll see you in the morning at the gym.

Honestly, how do I ever trust her again? She told me before she came over that she call the OM and told him that is was over and that when she went back to the apartment to get some stuff the key she had given him was under her doormat. How do I know this is the case?

You need to be prepared: if she truly did (and does) end contact, she is going to go into HARD WITHDRAWAL for 2-3 weeks. It's ugly. And TOTAL withdrawal may take up to six months or more. That is IF she maintains no-contact; ANY contact with him again -- even a negative one -- can set her "clock" back to 0:00.

I saw this already. She is truly distraught. I don't know if its from ending it or from guilt. That's why I'm hoping I get promoted and we are out of here quickly.

I don't know what to think honestly. I don't know if I can ever trust her again. I mean she gave up the most precious thing you can give. I love her of course and forgive her but don't know if I can ever honestly trust her again. She told me that the man was really nice to her and a nice man. I said, no he's not a nice man. She said yeah, he is. I said, really, is he married? She said yes. I said, did he know you are married? She said yes. I said, so tell me again how he's a nice man. She said, OMG, you're right! I said I know, he's not a nice man. She said I feel like a fool. I didn't disagree.

I will suggest she changes her cellphone number. That's a good idea.

I'm glad she came clean; that's good. Be sure and tell her that you APPRECIATE that she told you, and validate that you know it wasn't easy for her to do that.

I'm glad too. I asked her why she did and she said she didn't want to lose the best thing she ever had. I said why today? She said the OM called his wife from her apartment. She said to him that's messed up that you would call her from here, you must not care about me that much. He said, well you called your husband as well when I was here.

Whatever, I know I shouldn't be doing so, but I've been drinking again. I'm so tired and hope she really means what she says. I don't want to be a doormat. She said, she knows she can never make this up to me. I just don't know what to do or say at this point. I prayed for this, I know but I'm so confused and so hurt right now.

[AFWAW]

mindblank,
Thank you so much. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do at this point. I am so confused. She has not told my daughter anything about it other than she's coming home. My daughter is really confused as well. Thanks very much for your kind words.

[antlers]

Then cry all you need to, man! Try not to do it in front of your daughter though. We all feel for you, and we know your pain is nearly unbearable right now. Your wife is probably eaten up with guilt right now. As hard as it sounds, and as hard as it is...have compassion. Have compassion for yourself, and have compassion for your wife. It's healing. And that's what you both need to do is HEAL. Our thoughts are truly with you...good thoughts. We are happy for you that, through it all, your wife is coming back to you. Again...know that our thoughts are with you, especially concerning the pain and disappointment that you feel.