Seems like longer since I have posted...had to go back through the thread to see exactly where I left off and what was already been said.
I haven't been here much the last month or 2 for various reasons, and recently was talking with a friend online and said that I probably wouldn't.
But here I am...to check in on some old friends, who I see haven't been around lately and just to update a little. Must be someone left out there who was wondering...following.
..and maybe some of the newbies will go back through and read my old threads...see how long I have been at this and that my wife and I are still in the house together and glean something from my half*ss DB'ing over the past year, or at the very least, start listening when everyone tells you there is no magic bullet, it's going to take time and the most important thing to do from the start is detach, GAL take care of yourself.
Not that I did those things...remember half*ss DB'ing...and not that I am here to declare a success. As I said, the sitch is status quo, and that means nothing has changed since the last R talk.
I put a lot of effort into changing myself, but in doing that, I put just as much effort into saving my marriage.
That statement will be a dichotomy to many on here, but remember, every sitch is different and you would need to know the entire story of my last year to understand.
Check out Bworl and Ali's last posts...they get it and come to think of it, Mindblank is in a similar sitch...DownNotOut...yet and Distressed67, too. Home with our spouses and "working". Hope you guys are all still doing good...I have to catch up.
So...wife and I?? Status quo...last R talk was beginning of March..I just went back and looked. That was the "can't say I love you..but NOW we are best friends" talk.
It's only a few pages back, so I won't bore you..with that or a recount of the last year. That part of the thread pretty much sums up the whole year...at home together..having fun and living as happily married couple..for now she says.
Although the last couple of months has been pretty mellow with us, there are a few things that have happened that I would like to mention.
First and most important, is the death of my mother on 4/8, at 84 yrs. Mom went in for hip surgery back on 3/12 and even though the surgery went well, her poor health and a myriad of complications let to an awful month for her.
She suffered, but fought for weeks and deserved the rest when it finally came. I was blessed to have been there with her that morning to say goodbye, and grateful she was not alone when she passed.
Death brings life into perspective, and maybe the past few months with her, and especially the last few weeks is part of the reason I have not been here much....a clearer picture of what really is important, and renewed desire to have a happy, productive life, no matter who is around me to share in it. There has been too much time worrying about the "what if's and why's" and not enough time on the present. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
My wife was by my side through these past couple of months with my mother. I am not sure why, but I was somewhat surprised by the closeness and caring that I saw from her. My mother loved her like her own daughter, and I know now just how much my wife cared for her.
We have a large family and we were close through the last few weeks. I reconnected with my sister, at my mothers request one night in the hospital, who I had not spoken to in over a year. It makes me sad to think that a final thread has been broken, and we may never see those big holiday, or family gatherings again. Time will tell.
I heard from some old friends over the past few weeks and made some new ones.
One in particular, my best "girlfriend" from childhood. That story is much too long to tell. The short version is that she and I have some how managed to maintain contact at one time or another for over 30 years now.
She is married with 2 young girls, and living the other side of my sitch....I don't believe she has any idea what DBing is, but she is definitely an AWAW....waiting for the right time?? Over the past few years we have been open and honest with each other about our lives, but apparently not about our feelings with each other.
During one conversation when she to called check on my mother, we got to talking about our sitches and our past together. Ours was a 99% platonic relationship...close and loving, but platonic. As I said..long story, but as little as I see and speak with her, I don't think I will ever feel the same way about anyone as I do for her.
I never told her that, and she never told me...it had always gone unspoken through the years, but during that recent conversation she decided for some reason it was time to say it out loud. Ulterior motives?? I don't think so...she wants my marriage to work just as much as I do and has been there to lend an ear, give advice and a boot in the rear when needed. She jokingly told me not to get any ideas.
Like I said...reconnected with some old friends and made some new ones.
One of the new ones, an "online buddy" has been there almost day in, day out with a shoulder, some humor and wisecracks..seemingly whenever I need her. Another one of the troops in an unhappy marriage, I can only hope that some day I can be as much of a friend to her as she has been to me the past couple of months.
She had been there even before my mother's turn for the worse, to offer advice and make me laugh...rooting for me and my wife..sometimes offering to come by and slap some sense into her for me. I am still amazed at how well you can get to know someone without ever hearing their voice or shaking their hand....and know that they are genuinely concerned about your well being.
Sort of like the "tribe" here on the board.
That's all for now folks.
Good luck to all you newbies out there...hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...at least so I am told. I can't see it yet, but as time goes on I am more and more certain it is there.
