I need some advice/strategy on being seperated. I seperated this week from my WAW who has filed for divorce - the nisi follows in six weeks. She wants this divorce to be completed as quickly as possible, she says to start a new life with the children. I have my doubts as she has lost tons of weight, bought new clothes, absolutely no physicalicality between us, is still angry with me and has she has now detached from ME. I have not found any proof since December 08 of OP or whether she is in an EA/PA, I do not know if she is in MLC mode or as Michelle has said she may be one WAW who just wants out of our marriage because she is unhappy. I do know that anything I do try will go out of the window if there is a OP involved as she has noticed consistent and lasting changes in me, has not mentioned them other than saying "why didn't you do this when it mattered?". The 'changes' needle would go straight back to zero if/when she sees this OP. As I have said I have not found any proof she is in any kind of relationship, but from the great advice I have received on Newcomers I must forget that and concentrate on myself via GAL, PMA etc and building the best relationship with my children.
One strategy from a DB coach was to be as happy as possible when I see her, play with the children, laugh, look as though you have moved on with your life. I cannot go dark as neglect and no communication are a couple of the 'reasons' cited on the divorce papers. I need to have a roadmap to work to in the hope I can reconcile 'It takes one to tango' is something I have read in DR.
Please could someone assist me in planning/advising on what is the best way forward as I do not want to leave any stone unturned in trying to restore my marriage.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. This board has been pretty quiet recently, much quieter than newcomers usually is.
I think that the fact your wife has asked why you didn't make the changes she's noticing when it mattered is pretty good evidence that she's noticing them. In fact, if she asked why you didn't make them before it's probably a sign that she's annoyed they didn't happen before and therefore that she still has feelings towards you. Don't give up- keep on with showing the changes in you and eventually she will soften. However much patience you expdect you'll need, you'll need to at least double, if not treble it. The road is long, to quote The Hollies.
What are your changes? The needle won't go straight back to zero if she is seeing an OP- women tend to think over things many times in their own minds and she will be comparing and contrasting you with said OP. If you are patient and show that you have changed you have a good chance, especially with children in the picture. The advice to forget about the OP is correct- you have to concentrate on improving your R and yourself, and forget about the OP. The only person who you hurt by thinking about a potential OP is yourself.....
Good luck, and keep posting. One great piece of advice I got when I first came here was to post to other people with whose situations I identified. They'll then come and post back to you and you'll be able to garner more and more support and opinions. You're in a great place and there are some people with great advice around. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Consistent changes like helping more around the house and with the children, not losing my temper or smacking the children is really big for me but I now talk to the children more. Unfortunately, I have now moved out and I have found out today in my first weekend seperated, my wife stayed out overnight somewhere but told my daughter this morning she overslept and was at the house. I went to the house this morning and found lights still on, curtains not drawn, the fish had not been fed and the bed had not been slept in. I have spoken to her today but I did not mention it, as much as I wanted to. I guess this is why she wants to divorce so quickly, to bring the new man into the open without it looking bad for her or to her family and friends.
I will continue to GAL, PMA, DR and build my relationship with my children. I have not stopped thinking about the deceit and the lies, and the fact because we are now seperated this gives her the opportunity and reason for probably going from an EA to a PA for the first time last night.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
