Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

And now IT begins in earnest....

Yesterday, I received a call from my D8, very sad and upset that Mommy took it upon herself to deliver not-so-good news that Daddy was needing to move away with Uncle M for a little while. She was more upset and concerned that XW took it upon herself to tell D8 that Daddy wouldn't be taking her to her Father-Daughter dance next Sunday, and that, if necessary, Mommy would take her or have Uncle E take her. D8 has already had plenty of emotional upset over our S and subsequent D, compounded by my struggles to find suitable employment, my recent move 2 months ago, and automobile accident. I would have much preferred to deliver the correct information to D8 myself to because I would have told her that I WILL be taking her to her dance. I would also have had the opportunity to tell her about my impending necessary move and been able to re-assure that she is loved and safe and that I will do everything within my power to see her every other weekend and whichever additional times I'm able to work out. I'd also tell her that I'll be working very hard during this short term solution to my long term goals to bring it's temporary nature to a close and be living closer to her with more regular contact like before.

Yesterday, I sent a proposal, by e-mail, to XW with a plan I worked out for going forward and asked her to get back to me with her thoughts, concerns and considerations ASAP. I asked what time I could have D8 to talk with her face-to-face to re-assure her that I love her and that everything was going to be fine during, and after this temporary, rough patch. No response. Today, I called to ask the same question on her cell, house, and sent a text message. No answer. No response. Finally, she sends me a text message that she was taking the kids to church with Joe. I texted back my response of, great, what time can I have D8 today? No response. I called back and XW answered this time. I asked her the same thing. She responded by...well, we're going to church, you can see her there.
ME: I could, but it's going to take longer than a couple of minutes. When can have her to talk face-to-face with her for a while.
XW: I don't know. After church she has a birthday party to go to, and then it'll be in the afternoon....
ME: That's fine. What time can I have her?
XW: Well, I don't know....
ME: Listen, I have a right to be with my children. What time will fit in your schedule and work for you? <click>

I let it go for a half hour and then I called back. No answer. I left a message. "Look, it looks like we got disconnected, but I still need to know what time I can have D8 to talk with her TODAY. You have my phone number. You can call me or text me." As of right now, no response. I will absolutely attribute this new found boldness and willingness to be non-responsive to her new 'co-worker/friend/as-yet-to-be-decided BF/DH#5' (employee) Joe. It'll all be interesting to watch from afar as this, like all of her other DH relationships have all blown up, as this one will. It's most sad, though, that this dolt is her employee. A minefield that will blow up the relationship long before they do it themselves. Regardless, none of that is any of my concern. My relationship with my daughter and son is. So...I now tread gently into the waters of asserting my rights to have physical access to and communication with my children, as I have both joint physical and joint legal custody of them. That along with severely limiting my contact with XW to the bare essentials of communication concerning the needs of our children.

Wish me well. I am letting go and it's scary. 'Things' are going to go less smoothly as I continue to emotionally detach from XW and assert my rights, as opposed to what she'll allow. I have even more motivation to get my act together now. Can't wallow in fear and self-pity. I have to get this all sorted out now for myself and my children.

Send positive thoughts and prayers my way, if you would.