I had a very good visit with my Nana today. At first two other younger grandsons were there, trying to cheer her up, then her 81 year old SIL showed up, then my youngest aunt C. But C went for coffee, which gave me the opp to be with Nana alone.
I sat beside her, put my arm around her and leaned my head on hers. She started tearing up and said "Oh, Shiny, I don't know"... so I hugged her tighter and said..."tell me, Nana"
So we had a REAL conversation about her situation. She said that she just can't be "happy" all the time, I said it is alright to cry, it's alright to be afraid. That our bodies aren't made to last forever, but our souls ARE.
I'd brought her a mauve angel bear stuffy which she was thrilled with. I asked her what she was going to name it and she said "Edward"...her H who died in 1965 at the age of 49. I asked if she feels Grandpa near her...she said yes, all the time. We hugged, cried, and she said "Sometimes you just have to let go" and I said "yes".
Aunt C comes back in at this point, sees us crying and says "What's this? No tears on your birthday...cheery cheery ".
I sat beside Nana for another half hour or so, chatting with both of them. Recounting all of the wonderful things she'd done for me, funny moments. When another grandkid showed up it was time for me to leave. I gave her a loooong deep hug and she whispered "Thank you so much"
I KNOW she meant for LETTING her talk about how she really feels.
I talked with Aunt C in the corridor and asked if she was ready to let her mom go. She's not. She started to cry, I hugged her and told her about the conversation I had with Nana. Just before I left, she said "Maybe Mom is hanging on for me" BINGO! I told her I'd thought of that some time ago.
This aunt is a full 18 years younger than the other 3 siblings. This is much harder on her. I hope she can come to the point where she, too, can be "real" with Nana.
I am at peace. She made it to 90, she's had a full wonderful life. She doesn't need to suffer any more.
And now about the e-mail. KAW I sent only that abbreviated version, just suggesting we talk and find a balance that works for us both.
He did respond, maybe I still have it and can post it here:
Hi S, I just got on my laptop this moment (4:30pm) to check my e-mail (haven't done any school-related work..but I will have to sign on between 9pm and 11pm this evening for a team assignment which is due at 11pm)
I have put my responses to your e-mail within your original message below:
Dear CJ
I’m very sorry for your send off this morning. When D called last night I was thrilled that you were getting out of the house to do something fun on your own for the first time this summer.
***Thanks, it was nice to get out with D (never did anything one-on-one with D before, unless you count the motorcycle ride). I underestimated the time it would take for D and I to play golf, but there were some added factors that prolonged our game (edited). It was nice having a "serious" chat with him and not the usual joking around superficial stuff he and I usually resort to when we are in social gatherings with other friends.
I hope you guys had a blast...hope D wasn't toooo competetive!
***D was not competitive in the least. I suspect that he wasn't because he was in unfamiliar territory and a "rookie". D and I would really love to take you and H (D's W) out golfing before the season is over.
It was so much fun, and watching people riding around on those electric golf carts got us thinking about renting them if the four of us do go out. They are $20 to rent. We laughed picturing you and H in the driver's seat, and thought that might make the usual boring game of golf become more exciting for the both of you...and NO, I will not let you drive the cart the whole time! I want my turn as well...*smiles*
I’ll admit that I was also happy for the opportunity to have the house to myself for a day. Something that I have not had in a very long time. I envisioned working, making some phone calls and doing a full work out (kidney willing).
***I know how you feel about not having the house to yourself. For years, the situation was reversed, and any opportunity I could find to blast my own tunes etc. was a nice change.
I was a bit surprised by how exhausted I was after yesterday’s classes. I am also quite anxious about the state of my kidney health. The low fever remains, the pain is persisting today, although low grade. My appointment is next week. I am NOT thinking the worst, but there are some less than great possible outcomes here.
***I am sure it was very exhausting, and we will have to find ways to make sure you are fed properly. My offer to make lunches for you still stands, and I will make sure to cook suppers for you on the days you are working. The calzone prep did catch me off guard, and I misjudged on the prep time. I'm sorry, but I hope you still enjoyed the effort I put in. As for your kidney flare-ups, just try to keep a positive and optimistic outlook, and no matter what happens, I will be here to support you.
So all of this has been feeding my rather down mood of late, not to mention this never-ending headache. FYI I am in need of a neck rub 24 hours a day, so any time you care to offer would be great.
***I would gladly offer you neck rubs, but likewise, please feel free to ask me anytime.
About your school work. Yes, you are spending more time on that than either of us anticipated at first. I am PROUD of how well you are doing, and very happy that you are finding it so valuable.
***Thanks
YES, you are doing other stuff…cleaning, mowing, cooking…and I DO appreciate it.\
***Thanks, but I admit I am not pulling my weight around here. Today I did the garbage, cleaned the bed sheets, cleaned up the fern leaves on the floor of the computer room, scrubbed the stains from around the front right grill on the stove, did a load of dishes and put them away, and even fixed (I hope) the backup of water from the washing machine drain. I hope I don't come off sounding like J here, (annoying pal who likes to detail every task she does) but I thought it was important for you to know what I did today in lieu of my usual studies. I will find a balance between both my school and chores. I'm heading out shortly to water the gardens.
Your offer to make lunch for me after school was thoughtful and touching. (Alas tomorrow I have a chiropractor app't at 3:30).
I think perhaps we should sit down and discuss how we can BOTH make the upcoming months productive, peaceful, and fulfilling.
***Agreed.
Love S
P.S. And yes, I caught the sarcastic edge to my comment about your e-mail about cutting back significantly on your school work…I’m sorry.
***Thanks
I don’t WANT you to sacrifice your grades or learning experience, I just feel that there must be a little middle ground we can reach somehow.
***Thanks and I agree. I love you.
Okay I think I'll post this now, without comment as I am really afraid of losing the post and it's a long one!
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