Thanks KK, your explanation clears a lot of that up for me.
I respect your stance on this issue. I never really thought about it that way in my case as CJ was sleeping with me before I knew about OW. Then when I found out about her, I was lead to believe they were broken up.
We weren't intimate again until I "thought" we were piecing.
I had a very good visit with my Nana today. At first two other younger grandsons were there, trying to cheer her up, then her 81 year old SIL showed up, then my youngest aunt C. But C went for coffee, which gave me the opp to be with Nana alone.
I sat beside her, put my arm around her and leaned my head on hers. She started tearing up and said "Oh, Shiny, I don't know"... so I hugged her tighter and said..."tell me, Nana"
So we had a REAL conversation about her situation. She said that she just can't be "happy" all the time, I said it is alright to cry, it's alright to be afraid. That our bodies aren't made to last forever, but our souls ARE.
I'd brought her a mauve angel bear stuffy which she was thrilled with. I asked her what she was going to name it and she said "Edward"...her H who died in 1965 at the age of 49. I asked if she feels Grandpa near her...she said yes, all the time. We hugged, cried, and she said "Sometimes you just have to let go" and I said "yes".
Aunt C comes back in at this point, sees us crying and says "What's this? No tears on your birthday...cheery cheery ".
I sat beside Nana for another half hour or so, chatting with both of them. Recounting all of the wonderful things she'd done for me, funny moments. When another grandkid showed up it was time for me to leave. I gave her a loooong deep hug and she whispered "Thank you so much"
I KNOW she meant for LETTING her talk about how she really feels.
I talked with Aunt C in the corridor and asked if she was ready to let her mom go. She's not. She started to cry, I hugged her and told her about the conversation I had with Nana. Just before I left, she said "Maybe Mom is hanging on for me" BINGO! I told her I'd thought of that some time ago.
This aunt is a full 18 years younger than the other 3 siblings. This is much harder on her. I hope she can come to the point where she, too, can be "real" with Nana.
I am at peace. She made it to 90, she's had a full wonderful life. She doesn't need to suffer any more.
And now about the e-mail. KAW I sent only that abbreviated version, just suggesting we talk and find a balance that works for us both.
He did respond, maybe I still have it and can post it here:
Hi S, I just got on my laptop this moment (4:30pm) to check my e-mail (haven't done any school-related work..but I will have to sign on between 9pm and 11pm this evening for a team assignment which is due at 11pm)
I have put my responses to your e-mail within your original message below:
Dear CJ
I’m very sorry for your send off this morning. When D called last night I was thrilled that you were getting out of the house to do something fun on your own for the first time this summer.
***Thanks, it was nice to get out with D (never did anything one-on-one with D before, unless you count the motorcycle ride). I underestimated the time it would take for D and I to play golf, but there were some added factors that prolonged our game (edited). It was nice having a "serious" chat with him and not the usual joking around superficial stuff he and I usually resort to when we are in social gatherings with other friends.
I hope you guys had a blast...hope D wasn't toooo competetive!
***D was not competitive in the least. I suspect that he wasn't because he was in unfamiliar territory and a "rookie". D and I would really love to take you and H (D's W) out golfing before the season is over.
It was so much fun, and watching people riding around on those electric golf carts got us thinking about renting them if the four of us do go out. They are $20 to rent. We laughed picturing you and H in the driver's seat, and thought that might make the usual boring game of golf become more exciting for the both of you...and NO, I will not let you drive the cart the whole time! I want my turn as well...*smiles*
I’ll admit that I was also happy for the opportunity to have the house to myself for a day. Something that I have not had in a very long time. I envisioned working, making some phone calls and doing a full work out (kidney willing).
***I know how you feel about not having the house to yourself. For years, the situation was reversed, and any opportunity I could find to blast my own tunes etc. was a nice change.
I was a bit surprised by how exhausted I was after yesterday’s classes. I am also quite anxious about the state of my kidney health. The low fever remains, the pain is persisting today, although low grade. My appointment is next week. I am NOT thinking the worst, but there are some less than great possible outcomes here.
***I am sure it was very exhausting, and we will have to find ways to make sure you are fed properly. My offer to make lunches for you still stands, and I will make sure to cook suppers for you on the days you are working. The calzone prep did catch me off guard, and I misjudged on the prep time. I'm sorry, but I hope you still enjoyed the effort I put in. As for your kidney flare-ups, just try to keep a positive and optimistic outlook, and no matter what happens, I will be here to support you.
So all of this has been feeding my rather down mood of late, not to mention this never-ending headache. FYI I am in need of a neck rub 24 hours a day, so any time you care to offer would be great.
***I would gladly offer you neck rubs, but likewise, please feel free to ask me anytime.
About your school work. Yes, you are spending more time on that than either of us anticipated at first. I am PROUD of how well you are doing, and very happy that you are finding it so valuable.
***Thanks
YES, you are doing other stuff…cleaning, mowing, cooking…and I DO appreciate it.\
***Thanks, but I admit I am not pulling my weight around here. Today I did the garbage, cleaned the bed sheets, cleaned up the fern leaves on the floor of the computer room, scrubbed the stains from around the front right grill on the stove, did a load of dishes and put them away, and even fixed (I hope) the backup of water from the washing machine drain. I hope I don't come off sounding like J here, (annoying pal who likes to detail every task she does) but I thought it was important for you to know what I did today in lieu of my usual studies. I will find a balance between both my school and chores. I'm heading out shortly to water the gardens.
Your offer to make lunch for me after school was thoughtful and touching. (Alas tomorrow I have a chiropractor app't at 3:30).
I think perhaps we should sit down and discuss how we can BOTH make the upcoming months productive, peaceful, and fulfilling.
***Agreed.
Love S
P.S. And yes, I caught the sarcastic edge to my comment about your e-mail about cutting back significantly on your school work…I’m sorry.
***Thanks
I don’t WANT you to sacrifice your grades or learning experience, I just feel that there must be a little middle ground we can reach somehow.
***Thanks and I agree. I love you.
Okay I think I'll post this now, without comment as I am really afraid of losing the post and it's a long one!
Interestingly, KAW although my e-mail did not include any specifics, the next day CJ did all that stuff he posted about and has further plans for stuff around here.
I also HAVE, in the past, pointed out the trend towards procrastination on his part or not following through on things. It's not just with me...he's made promises to others that he's renegged on too.
I like your idea of making it a "game plan" as that did work well with the pile up of reciepts.
Well, CJ's making his roasted red pepper sauce for dinner. I have a glass of blush on the go, so do forgive me for further posts ...I think I'll scoot over to Pam first.
I am so glad you had a nice visit with your Nana. I worried about you and her and your visit. But you are great, and it is easy to tell she appreciated you very much.
I like CJ's email back to you, I can see the David I used to know in his answers. They must have several traits in common.
If I ever make it to Canada, I have always wanted to see it, I would really like to meet you and CJ.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I was still bbing, CJ starting dinner when my best old pal MJ calls to put the heat on about going out last night. I was feeling tired, achy, feverish and not at all sure I wanted to spend the night in a smoky bar.
I was on the phone with her (trying to hedge), when I asked CJ if he wanted to go out last night. He said yes, so I gave the phone to him. (put him on the spot, apologized for it).
She said she'd be coming right over (driven by her mom, she doesn't drive). Neither of us much relished the idea of her having a smoke and beer and watching us eat....so after a bit of a tiff CJ called her back and said we'd be in touch with her around 9.
Well as luck would have it, my pain meds and the vino helped me feel a bit more like going out so we were getting ready when she just showed up here!
I battled a bit with just staying home and CJ going out with MJ..but I have to say there was a bit of discomfort there. Not that anything would "go on", just something...maybe just him out at a bar without me for the first time since the spring?
Anyway I told him that what I was feeling was irrational.
So off we went to one after another karaoke bars. MJ and I did "Smoke on the Water" at two of them. CJ and she did a great job as always.
NOTE TO SELF: you can still turn heads at 40, and with 20 extra pounds!!!
Too bad they were the heads of drunken losers! Lets just say that the three bars we hit are not the top hot bars for the young folks. More like the end-stop for chronic alkies, divorcees, never-marrieds.
STILL, it was a bit of an ego boost, and CJ well, he couldn't help but notice. I asked one guy sitting next to us if we went to the same high school, but turns out the guy is 13 years younger than me!!! (He thought I might be 2 years older than him ).
Right away CJ's asking "What were you talking to that guy about"...as he pats what was MJ's seat right beside him.
Earlier we ran into a guy from our high school theatre arts class. Then in the last bar a fellow from grade school! He yakked my ear off about his job and his kid, while CJ looked a bit miffed. I tried to break away and finally did, but CJ still seemed put out.
Jealousy? Yes...I suppose if I wanted to just "pick someone up" last night made it very clear that would pose no problem....like I'd WANT to do that!!!
We drove (I drove...water only after dinner) MJ and some people she found to an after hours party and we came home. CJ crashed on the couch immediately and is nursing a bit of a head ache today.
If it weren't for my fever, kidney pain and ever increasing right arm pain (too much keyboarding??) I'd be just fine!
She breaks down housecleaning into small manageable bites..and makes it fun.
Not sure if you've heard of her. But she's helped me lots. And she has directions for creating a 'control journal' which allows you to make things fit you. You can CJ could both use it and mark off what you've done. Different color markers for each of you.
".
They must have several traits in common. 
).