Piecing 20 yrs of SSM back together

[mamanpc]

Hello everyone,
i'm in a new phase of piecing our R back together (see my other thread in my signature).
Many of the descriptions here really 'talk' to me - i'm the LD spouse, BUT much of the descriptions of the LD husband in some posts seem to describe my H rather well, regarding the lack of intimacy. Our sex life was so unsatisfying to me that, after attempting to ask H for what i wanted, and not getting it (H refused to accept the idea of non-sexual caresses, longer foreplay, etc) that i just 'tuned out' and tried to live with the situation for 15 years. The result was terribly boring sex not only for me but also for H, and lead to a major midlife crisis on my part (I became a WAW, see my previous thread). Now we're back together (since Jan09) and now we begin the hard work of improving our SSM. I will schedule another appt with my sex therapist - i had begun seeing him and started with a complete hormonal check which lead to verifying that the nodules on my thyroid were not carcinogenic (they are not, thankfully!). The difficulty i'm having is that H is still quite uninterested in considering any sex in the manner that i would like - he tried it a bit this WE and was depressed, bored, and un-turned on by it. Probably i didn't pay attention to his needs enough on my part, i was too focused on trying to get my needs met, for a change. And i am not able to communicate clearly enough the need i have for emotional intimacy. I did explain that i need time to relax and that it also helps when i know he's not going to 'jump' onto my breasts and genitals too quickly (that's a real turnoff for me). H seems to be at the stage where he is demanding that i 'work on desiring him more', period. I feel like i'm being told that i'm the abnormal one and need to do something about it - H kindly informs me that with past lovers (before we were together) and with recent lovers (that he had while we were together) things were 'fine' - he is seeing a therapist too, but he won't see one with me. I sense some desire on his part to try and improve things, but it oscillates with resentment that i'm not making progress fast enough, in his eyes. He is 'completely' back only since early Jan09, before that he was living with me and seeing OW at the same time, and informing me that he was doing this and that he didn't know who he wanted to stay with. Meanwhile i was losing my job and trying to find another one. You get the picture - major MAJOR stress for me - so i'm only just recovering from it all. I do want to work on myself, i know from Michelle's books and other books as well that i need to work on MYSELF, just like many postings say too. So i think that i will tell him that i want to do all i can to improve and make him feel good about our R.
Sorry for this terribly long post - i need to write this down to get it out of my head and it helps me think about what to do next!