On Friday night she was going to a frends house. I texted her from work and said that I was going to meet friends downtown. She texted back and asked "what friends?" I told her one of the names she knew... "and some friends." I went downtown and met them and had a couple of glasses of wine. We then met another frined of mine at his house and went to eat. While I was inthe bathroom, they ordered me another wine. The first friend asked me about what was happening. I told him and he took the wine away and in his Scottish brogue handed the glass to the bar maid and announced that "He's been cut off." Anyway, they invited me to a poker game, but i declined and went home.
She arrived home at 11:00 pm to find me on the couch downstairs watching television. She told me about her night and went to bed.
Yesterday morning, I didn't hug her. I was just cordial and I made coffee as she made brownies for a pot luck ater her daughter's volleyball tournament. We ended up sitting at the table and talked for an hour and a half. I told her about some of my revelations and thoughts I have been having. She had asked what I was doing down in the basement and I told her reading. "Reading what?" She asked. 'Books." "Internet books?" "No, book - books." "What books?" "Help me books." "When did you get those?" "This week." "Well... They must be good books, because I've noticed changes in you already... keep reading!" (Actually reading DB and DR) It was a really good talk. I tried to hold her hand, but she sheepishly declined saying that she wanted the hand-holding to be something special, like two hearts connecting... and she wasn't ready for that.
My son asked if I wanted to go to the gym, and I knew that we were going to W's daughter's volleyball tournament. I suppose I should start saying "Our daughter's volleyball tournament." So... I had to be back relatively soon. Before I left, she said, "Do you know what three things surprised me last night? 1.) You didn't text me all night. 2.) You were home early. 3.) You weren't drunk."
We wen't to the volleyball tournament and had fun. I told our daughter what a great job she did. The girls left with their dad for the remainder of the weekend. We went and got a bite to eat at a little Greek restaurant and sat outside by a firepit and ate. I said, "Well I guess we're on a date." She said, "Nope... I'm your wife." On the drive home, she said that she felt that she was just starting to date me again, and wondering to herself, "Will I like this guy? Will I not like this guy?"
When we got home, we put a log in our outside firepit on the patio and talked. We thanked each other for the day, and then she went on a soliloqy of all her feeling to date... the things she endured, the hurt feelings, her desires, etc. I sat and listened intently. That was a first! And she even told me that was a problem of mine... Talking over everyone. I could tell she was reflective and melancholy. She told me that there are twently windows to her soul and she had shut every one of them... but one little corner window, way up on the top row in the corner... she is peeking out of...
That's when she said something that caused my stomach to hurt again... She told me that she still feels the same. Still isn't in love. Still doesn't know that this will work. She said I still need to work on me. She said that a few months ago, I was facing a mountain and she was on the other side. She was there to hold my hand. But my inaction, and really pure meanness caused her to go away. She said, now you have to do this by yourself. She got tears in her eyes and said, "You know... No one has ever fought for me." And I as I write this, I am getting tears in my eyes... No, I'm crying. Good tears...
She told me she loved me, but she can't tell me she is in love with me because that would make her way too vulnerable. She has to protect herself... But I think it's there, under all of the bricks and mortar that she worked so diligently putting into place, sealing herself in... as I stood by, slowly, slowly, delberately handing her each and every brick.
Last night, before bed, she asked if a still had a tender heart for her. I asked what she meant. She said, "You know, do you still look at me from across the room and feel love for me like you used to?" I said that I do. She said, "Oh... well I must not have noticed, because I was trying to look away from you."
Today brings a whole other day. I hope it is as meaningful as yesterday.
you have a lot going for you and keep up the good work. please don't tell her you are reading DR or DB because she might view that as manipulating. it isn't, but WAW's think so.
also, keep your loving distance. you are doing good. and see how a little mystery got her attention? keep going out with your friends though, because WAW will jerk your chain and you will be back begging and crying.
women really piss me off and sometimes i'm ashamed to be one. this game-playing and mind-f*cking they do is embarrassing. they say they want x, y and z. but the minute you give it to them, they want something else. maybe it's a generational thing. i don't recall my mom whining about her fe-e-e-e-elings when she was having a rough time. it's sickening, really, to expect your mate to fix your childhood b.s.
She knows I've been reading and like that. Shows her that I'm seriously doing something... not just talking about it.
I try to keep my distance, but long to hold her. We have our moments, but I'm not drooling or hanging all over her.
We had a really great weekend... Cleaned the house, worked in the yard. She bought sopme flower pots and flowers for the front of the house. We had her parents over last night for a bar-b-q. We are still sleeping apart and not a whole lot of hugging and kissing. That bothers me, but I can't keep dwelling on it... She seems interested in keeping this going, but keeps reminding me that it will take time and I need to be working for what I want. As she remineded me, she gave herself freely and I didn't appreciate it. This time will be a lot more work! Kind of like cleaning up after yourself as you go along is way more easy than waiting for all of the dirt and clutter to build up and then try to tackle it. I still want to be close... talk, call, text, etc. like we used to... but she is not in a receptive place for that now and it will only piss her off... or at least annoy her. Overall I am pretty positive, but I have my moments when I wonder if maybe we just aren't gonna get there...
She is talking to her friends about us because she is telling me that they are talking, and it's not about breaking up, but about getting back together, making changes, being happy... so maybe there's hope yet...
Hang in there buddy - there are so many positives in your sitch! W recognizes your changes and even tells you this! Most WAW's keep this so close you wonder if they see you at all! Keep building on the small things. Work on making your improvements permanent. I can tell you from hard earned experience how easy it is to fall back into old bad ways, and WAW's know this, that is why it is so hard for them to accept.
When I went through my first sitch here, we often talked about "the alien" that our WAS become. While it often really feels like that, and in many ways their thinking and actions are very unclear, and even contrary to their own personality, alot of it is reaction to long felt pain. Take a few minutes and think it through - if someone had been treating you badly - spouse, parent, friend, whatever - for a very long time, then suddenly started treating you better, how would you view it? Now imagine you had been pushed by the bad behavior to the point you had given up.. NOW how do you see it? Not so alien, huh!
I think you are doing better. Holding back a little on the displays of affection is good - when you smother her with it, she just keeps thinking "why now". But when you take care of daily things, she sees it. Remember to listen to her and talk less. She knows you are reading, dont talk about that anymore. She knows you are trying to change, dont talk about that any more.
Get used to the roller coaster - man I can tell you it aint easy. You will have days you absolutely want to throw in the towel! My prevous sitch went from absolute anguish and almost hate to desperate love, back and forth several times before things got settled. when you start feeling the negative, make yourself take 24 hours before you react. Walk away emotionally from that upset and pain, and return better. This was a lifesaver for me in my previous sitch, and I too have to remember it now. 24 hours is a short time compared to the lifetime we are trying to build.
One more thing - and I have to remember this one too - try not to focus on every little thing, word, or action from W. Dont analyze every single phrase for positive/negative. Just hear it, validate, and continue with your work on you. I see in you and your situation a DB win - you are becoming better for yourself, but you are still a little too focused on W. Keep up the good things, and let W follow along if she is willing. If you keep it up, she may eventually see that you are not only who she fell in love with, but even better!
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Antlers, Thanks for your support! She has said forever though... She has said that she does not think she will ever get it back. She told me in front of the therapist that she doesn't love me and it won't come back. Now she is talking about taking time and baby steps. Which one is it? Or is it both? She mentioned that she needs to work on stuff. If that involves trying to love me again, I'm afraid in will end in futility. When someone has reached a point where they "aren't in love" how do they ever find their way back? She doesn't know and I don't know.
Duly, havent you been reading this board? ALL WAS SAY THIS! It is what gets referred to here as part of the "WAS Script". I am not saying they dont feel this way - they very likely do, when they say it. And it takes time for that to wear away, but again, read these boards, and you will find many many many cases that go from ILYBNILWY(I Love You but not in love with you) and even "I will never love you again" and even to processing D papers, to better love and M's than ever before - mine included.. TWICE!
Which one is it? both.. at different times. It sounds like she is stepping away from the brink of "I can never love you again" - DONT PUSH HER! Just the fact that she is recognizing changes in her own feelings is scarring the crap out of her, let it take its course. Dont worry about what she is working on - that is what she needs to do. When she needs you to know she will tell you.
Stop focusing on what she says, you would be surprised how quickly it can change.. Just keep up working on yourself,
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Things are going better. She has been relaying back to me the conversations with her friends and mother. The gist of which is how well we have been communicating, how positive I have been, what a wonderful life we could have together. She is now periodically calling me and e-mailing me. She told me she was afraid to open up too much too soon because she was afraid I would revert back to the old ways. I need to keep doing what I'm doing. It seems to be working well. She is now talking about the future, things she wants to do with the yard, how she wants another band on her wedding ring at five years...?? Huh? Yep... That's what she said last night. She told me that it feels like she is dating me again.
Following up on my last post... Last night we ML. She was not as into it as she used to be. I was wondering the whole time what she was thinking... More or less laid there with some soft sounds. Said she enjoyed it... Apparently I got an A+ and she said I was really gentle... Hmm... This morning, I went to wake her up. She asked why we did that... Because "you" wanted it she says... I asked if it was okay, and she replied that it was fine... She just doesn't want hings to revert back to the way they were...
Today she e-mails me and says... "Do you think things are going better than last week at this time?" It was a rhetorical question... I sent one back... "Do you?" "Yes" she says...
Just stay focused on the positives and continue making your changes real. Expect W to pull back a bit - she has exposed herself, and will try to cover that. Keep focusing on yourself and give her time to get used to her new feelings.
Your W is making it clear that she can again see a future with you, make sure that you are who you want to be when she returns. Keep away from the pursuit - and DONT ask if things went well. She is asking, let her drive for a while.
And dont underestimate the power of ML - even though she says it was for you, she said it was nice, and did not complain. Leave it at that, let her make the next move.
You are on the right path, stay strong!
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
