Please don't beat yourself up too much over the emotional affairs. When you are so empty inside from lack of attention it IS so easy for just about anything to fill that void. Believe me I know, I had those addictive behaviors that ended up in physical affairs. Never intending to hurt my wife but grasping at something, anything to fill the emptiness that I felt. I wish I had just found a way to make my wife understand that I needed her instead of what I did. I am communicating my needs to her now.
The important thing is that you two are working on finding your connection again. You are working on it together now. The attention that you both want and need will be coming from each other, as it should be. Just keep letting him know that you need him.
You have a lot of great people here who will support you as you repair your marriage.
Cinco
Me49 W49 D17 M23 Sep01 Me PA 1 Jan02 filed D Mar02 ended A 1 reconcile Apr08 Me PA 2 May08 ended A 2 Aug09 A's revealed My latest thread Drive
Cinco.. im not sure if we are working on it..we are still so early into it..we are just able to talk for about 15 minutes at a time about it... and he is so hung up on the "slap in the face aspect of it" that he cant see anything else about it.. We had a pretty frank discussion today.. i said that part of me was not sorry for doing it.. b/c i realized things about myself that i had thoughg long gone.. he didnt like that.. But i did get him to admit that he has not been happy either.. and that he has just been biting his tongue b/c he thought that is just what you do..i think it bothered hiim to admit this b/c its no longer just me not being happy.. This is a long road i know... just so scary when i dont feel anymore than i do about it.. TX HJR
HJR, you talking to him about it is working on it. My wife and I, for a long time, could not talk at all about our relationship.
The feelings will return, in time, once you two heal from this. I know it isn't easy.
I too had a hard time getting over my resentment of feeling that my wife didn't want me anymore (and she had to get beyond her resentment too). In my mind she only wanted me for a pay check. But she did and does love me... I just had to let her into my heart again. I knew that I loved her, I had never stopped loving her. I had to think of her as my lover again though and slowly that part of our relationship returned.
It isn't easy and it is a bumpy road with many ups and downs. I hadn't cried in many years and then when I finally allowed myself to feel my emotions again the tears came... and I could feel the joy for life too. A much better feeling than the empty numbness that I went through before.
Allow yourself to feel sad about what has happened and then you will be able to feel the happiness and love for your husband again. Keep talking to him too.
i wonder if it will..I love him like I am concerned for his well being.. but have no feelings of husbandly love.. He says he has felt for a long time that he was never enough for me and that is how i treated him... and when i look at it honestly..I have felt that way many times..so I worry that I want him to be someone he cant be.. or do I want him to be all the "he" can be. Im sure it came out in how i treated him....but not until now have i even recognized that is how i felt about him.. I kept thinking he would become more confident or be "more" in some way.. and when he didnt.. I just continued on ignoring it..So I am worried that I really dont have those feelings stuck back in the back..I want to work on our marraige.. but I am horrified of how I actually might feel about him.. And i dont want him to be married to someone who he feels he can never be enough for.. what kind of marraige is that? I think we are doing our best to approach it honestly.. and im sure he is scared and floored.. He says that I want to become some other person .. that i am nolonger happy w/ my life ... I said..want more for myself.. and no I am not happy w/ status quo.. He had heart surgery in the fall... and that shocked me into some sort of life realization that life is so short... we should be living it..not just muttling through... I am doing things to make myself happier as an indvidual.. but he takes it as I am turning into this "other person".. which im not.. Im just more like the person he married.. whom he has forgotten..he is threatened by any changes i make.. understandably.. considering my poor judgement..but I feel like the wheel has started turning in my head and I cant stop it..Im taking control of my life.. as best as I know how..and I hope he will do the same.. but I cant do it for him.. thanks for your imput.. this is so good to be able to talk to others going through the same things.. H.
We as individuals all grow throughout life. Doing the things that make yourself happy as an individual are good for your well being. The online EA's aside... going back to school, wanting passionate sex and wanting a confident husband, these are all good things. When we make changes in ourselves or, as you say, become the person we used to be, it causes our relationship to change. It can either bend or break. A change in one partner causes a change in the other, it's inevitable.
I have asked myself the very same questions, "Is it fair for me to ask for something that she cannot give to me? Am I pressuring her to be something that she is not?"
The flip side of this though is that you have to ask yourself, "Can I exist in a marriage like this when what I want is to live my life full of passion? Is it fair for me to compromise what I want?"
So we talk with our spouses. We let them know that we cannot go on in a marriage as it is. We let them know what we want and our wishes of how it could be. They then know what we are asking of them. Then it is for them to decide. They may bend and meet our wants and desires. They may decide to not bend. The relationship could even break. We can't however decide for them, we can only decide what we can accept.
It takes time. I have been at this for almost a year now. I truly care for my wife and wanted to make it work between us. We still have our ups and downs. The doubts creep in on me still but I know I am doing the right thing. It isn't easy but it is worth it. I said to myself that I had to do all that I could to make my marriage work. If we couldn't work things out then at least I would know that I had done everything that I could do.
I almost divorced 7 years ago. At that time I had totally disconnected from my wife. I couldn't imagine ever being able to ML with her with feeling again. But you know what? She surprised me, she did respond to the thought of losing me and we started to find one another again. Slowly, very slowly we found our love and connection again.
There is always hope for a change. As long as you let him know what you are asking of him... there is hope. If he can't give what you are asking then you have to decide what you can accept or not. You are just starting your journey so give yourself time for your feelings to return.
If your husband wants to save his marriage, a big part of that will be for him to work on improving HIMSELF and seeking his own happiness out of life....hand in hand with you. I'm going to recommend yet another book, for him, if you can get him to read it. It has helped -many- men on this forum to regain their masculine drive, energy, and presence: and in so doing has made them much more attractive to their wives, both sexually and relationship wise:
Your descriptions of your husband make him sound like a rather classic case -- so if he will read at your request, then this book will help him. Tell him that it will benefit HIM personally as much as it will benefit the marriage -- and your ability to "turn-on" to him.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Are we not able to send private messages on this forum?
Bagheera, I ordered the other book and am waiting on it to arrive.. i fear giving it to him to read b/c as I tell him the things that I am not happy about.. he says that I make it out like its " all his fault"..I am trying to be as honest as possible.. and it probably hurts his feelings.. he said the other night.."there are things I could say to you too.. like ,,, you have let yourself go.." I said he was right.. i had.. and it was ok for him to say that.. but i wasnt saying the things im saying to hurt him.. im saying them b/c they are all bubbling to the top now and i cant ignore it anymore.. and if this will work at all.. i want him to know exactly what i think.. He sees it as Im blaming him for the online affair..that it was his fault.. and i dont see it that. way.. but it did open my eyes to feelings that i have been missing.. Maybe he just needs more time.. i would order this book too.. if i thought he could take it constructively.... Im afraid he will see it as yet another attempt at me "fixing" him.. I still dont know how to give him the other book.. we are no where near having sex.. and he feels inadequate at it now b/c i said i was not happy w/ our sex life..i just dont know how to approach any of it anymore..so i am just sitting back and "fixing" myself..
Nope -- no PM's, emails, or other forms of private communication are permitted here. This serves two purposes that I can think of: (1) it protects the privacy of each individual very strickly from, for example, an angry spouse; and (2) it prevents lonely, vulnerable people from potentially getting -too- close to each other; that is, so this can't become a 'dating' site.
With regard to your H: KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING!
Whether he likes it or not, calm & loving, but also open & honest communication is absolutely REQUIRED for fixing the relationship. The two of you have gone too many years keeping your complaints, frustrations, hurts, and resentments all to yourselves -- and have hurt each other -more- in the process.
Your are also very much on the right track for continuing to split the blame 50%/50%: taking responsibility for your failures/actions while asking him to take responsibility for his.
I would also recommend that the two of you seek counseling -together-, as a couple. It often takes that third party to referee the discussion and point out where either or both of you are failing to listen to the other.
You've got some rough times ahead, but stick to your current plan of (1) improving yourself and YOUR end of the relationship, and (2) honestly communicating your requirements / needs / wants to your spouse. HE will have to decide how to respond to it, of course -- the only person you can really "fix" is yourself.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I just asked about the pm's b/c its strange to respond to one person in a thread.. but i understand..
I have realized all i can do is work on myself..and try to come to grips with what i want and what i feel..he is very "to himself" so its hard to get a gauge of where he is at most times.. We are in counseling.. we have been for over a month.. we are in couples and individual.. his individual is only helping him deal w/ my affair issue.. i think that is all they discuss..not sure.. but from what he says. i think it is. I feel more confident everyday that i am going about this the right way.. i just hate hurting him and being the one who is "rocking the boat".. He is stuck in this mode of "nothing is wrong w/ me.. its you that is unhappy" so i dont know how to deal w/ that.. but doing the best i can otherwise..
