Rough and Ugly Four Months going on LIfe

[Kenn]

Oh and here is one.... WT Heck???

We ended up talking about breast feeding babies (discussing some friend) She starts tellin gmy daughter why she didn't breast feed her and then looks at me and say's "you were dead set against it".....huh?....huh?

I would never say this to anyone who knows my wife because but she had problems doing it (nature stuff) but it was also a pain in her butt and that is one reason she didn't want to do it. Of course that is my perspective which I think I ahve made clear my compass was off quite a bit. However I don't remeber ever even having a conversation except one that i said women who do it in public like right on the park bench give me the heebie jeebes.

I mean this is crazy. It's like every possibly negative decison that she has made in life she connects me as being responsible....Wow and huh?

It didn't really phase me there, i just said I didn't remember saying anything like that and when she said i did I let it drop. But come on....let's see she breast feeds so I don't end up doing the 50/50 3am feed the baby scenario. Is there one person out there that would tell their wife they are against breast feeding because they want to get up in the middle of the night and bottle feed their baby???????? And yes I did it most nights when I wasn't working nightshift.

Overall ....Other than being a little irratable (on the level of slightly uncomfortable) she has been really nice to me. BUT I am really starting to understand how alice felt when she fell into that rabbit hole LOL!

[Kenn]

PS...

For those that drop in and see the humor (sarcasism)-

I do love my wife and would love to get back together with her and have a new and better realtionship.

Just sometimes wonder if it could happen or if it would be the right thing to do.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Kenn, Yes I understand much of what you are saying. I think a lot of it with my H is, that you expect to be & have certain things in your life at a certain time. If it doesn't happen, it can really throw you into depression. Of course, debt can really weigh you down too.

I do understand the "high" you can get when getting attention from the opposite sex. That was M3 in my case. But I knew the reasons. For my H when he left, I know it was his friend/co-worker. Why, cuz he worked on her car. Although, he said he was just being nice - true - but it gave him that high & stroked his ego. The main part, is not to let the fog overtake you, from this innocent attention.

[MsMelancoly]

It seems with your interactions w/your W that you are or have maintained a friendship - which is good. Like I said before, I think guilt has A Lot to do with her being angry & unhappy. If you wouldn't have made any changes, if you wouldn't have said - yes, you're right, I was unhappy & need to change - then her leaving would be easy. You are giving her 2nd thoughts and much to process. If you read any of Coach's old threads, his wife was angry at him too. The anger & guilt have to subside before any steps can be taken to move forward. Probably same case w/my H. He decided to be a b*stard, I would hate him, we would D & it would be easy. Well, I chose to make him face his decisions, not with anger, but with kindness ..... a new path. It's easy to get D when you hate someone. BTW - I will not use stbxh, until I am D - guess then I'll use xh.

Also moving to CO, even though you discussed it, it benefits you (& your family but you). So, viewed through some eyes, you are in control of what your family does. Make any sense??

Good to hear you had a nice time with D & W. So my H is not the only man, that is missing home cooked meals!! Who knows her asking you to come over & paint, might just be her way of asking you over. If she asked you only over for dinner, she might think she was leading you on. Who knows? Just don't take her moods personally. She opened this can of worms & now I think, she's not certain what to do.......

[MsMelancoly]

BTW - How many of her complaints, that you have control over have you changed or at least tried to change?

[Kenn]

Hmmmm??? Her complaints.... these are teh real ones that I have heard multiple times

1. No Ambition - no promotions

2. Shift Work - said I would only be on it for five years after we married.

3. Did not like being the bread winner of the family and felt she paid an unfair share of the expenses -

4. Talked in a mean tone sometimes to her and my daughter: (true) Irritation in my situation and our marriage would build and I would take it out with my tone when daughter was exceedingly bad or ignoring me and in arguements with her)

5. No romance - true to her, slipped into a long term married couple mode.

6. I don't have any friends that I do stuff with. (Catch 22)I only had two weekends off a month and spent them with my family.

7. Let my body go (now have lost about 30lbs and keeping it off with gym but she could be afraid this won't last either)


Those are the consistent ones prior to divorce announcement. There have been others said. Some are BS. I blew the majority of them out of the water when I got this job in CO. I will be making more money than she currently does, (I hope she goes out there and gets a raise or higher position), off shift work, and moved into management.

I think #6 scares her and would really be the fear of trying over. We can't do anything about that right now anyways.

I know now that I was insensitive in communications and those I am working on. But we have done better in our last few discussions.

Others while I could defend with my perspective I now can fully understand why it bothered her.

Example: we have been married 16 years and she has never met my sister. Conversation the other day she brought that up and asked "don't you think there is something wrong? My answer was we can only take so many trips a year and flying across the US just to meet my sister, I guess I put that low on the priority list because I know you miss your family.

See. I have a dad, mom, two brothers and a sister and everyone of them lives in a different state out west. We live on the southeast coast and her family all lives in the Northeast. The whole time I thought I was doing something special for her by sacrificing time with my family to go visit hers and do our family vacations....BUT! I NOW think I get the picture (based on some other events) I think she is offended that I never took her to see my sister and show her off as my wife. I think that hurts her feelings that I didn't make introducing her to my whole family a priortiy. She told me the other day that it should not have been her responsibility to say lets go see your family

I feel bad but I also know this is a case of her not stepping up and telling me what was important and assuming I should have know how it was making her feel. Women are from Venus, men are from Mars?????

So I have really done a lot. I am kind of in the same boat as others. I understand why she felt the way she does on some items but I also know that some of them were reactions to things she was doing So...what do you do ? LOL!

Good question though. Made me think

[Kenn]

I'm worried about the CO move. She could possibly be giving up so much career wise and pay which will become evident in quality of life. She wants to get out of where we live now. It has not been fun for us. She has friends out there and possible more. It will be a change but it is so wierd to see someone ready to drop everything just for change.

I really hope this works out for her.

It is obvious that daughter (single mom) stresses her out. Daughter called last night after I left to say goodnight and I didn't call back soon enough. So she was asleep and I ended up talking to wife. she sounded down so I asked how she was. She said stressed from trying to get daughter to sleep. Daughter was sleeing on the couch next to her. That really shouldn't be a big stressor?

She is trying harder with daughter though. I can see it and that is really positive.
She hates kids movies but took daugter and one of her friends to one today. And yesterday went up to the neighbor and laid out with their family with our daughter. The neighbors are my friends through this and she has reached out to the wife. So something is changin. I am not in the picture but right now I really just hope that she gets to a happy state and her realtionship with daughter is solidified.

I am a big boy and can pick my self up after this. My daughter needs to respect and lover her mom as much as she loves and respects me.

Thats another fear I have about CO, how will it change when she is now out there with the people she spends all night on the cell phone with?

[MsMelancoly]

Try not to worry about what you cannot control. That is very difficult - yes. Who knows, maybe you will become friends, with some of her friends. Maybe they will see what a good man you are. There are positives too.

My point in asking about her complaints was, it seems many of the things she complained about, you are working to change. (& you were unhappy about some of them too). So she threw out all her complaints & she was ready to walk. Then you started working on them & yourself. She took notice. I bet she thought in this economy, there is NO way, you could find a another job, let alone more pay! What is she coming up with now, breast feeding - lol She also my be afraid, because if you are moving closer to possible OM, how is she going to handle this?

Like I said, she has a lot of think about. Olbiviously, she still loves you. I would expect a rollercoaster ride of emotions from her, unless, she is totally detached from you.

[Kenn]

Well,

Car problems for wife. She asked for help and I stopped by to help. Had the hood up and started thinking about your post MsM so I started laughing and shut the hood. She was so curious what I had been laughing at.

Then ended up going over to the neighbors house and eating and hanging out with the neighbors. Got to one point where the conversation turned to divorce. Every person out of the 6 (including us) was divorced. Then she said some crap about not understanding how you could not like your ex. I like mine or I would have never married him. I like him now. Mind you this was with me sitting right across the table. LOL!

Then she left to go home with daughter. My friend across the table was floored. Probablly biggest regret was we then started talking about my situation. Wish I hadn't done that with other couple there. We all know each other.

I really need to get away from her. Just put a lot of distance, space and put her out of mind. I wish the move to CO was tomorrow so I could do that.

Enough of this person. And I don't like only having my daughter 50% of the time. Of course that is one I just have to deal with.

[MsMelancoly]

Yep, talking to the neighbors, probably not a good thing. Although, what your W said, wasn't really appropriate or nice. Anyone would be reeling from that!

So, why did you laugh, when you were looking at her car?? Cuz, you were lucky only the hood could fall on you?