Not offended at all Kenn. Good to see you working things.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Don't be thinking right now about someone else. Focus on you, your daughter and winning back your W. I know its easy to get into that mode of will there ever be someone else and how long will that be and how will they compare, etc. But as soon as you do that, you are losing sight of your goal. I have fallen into that also and have decided not to think about someone else but to only think about a future with my W in it at some point. I have to replace my fear with hope and faith. If I don't, it turns to fear and dispair. Well, you know this. You have read my posts.
I know what you are saying about dinner parties, the nicer life, W's career taking off, cruizes. My W is all of that to. The only thing I can think of is focus on your daughter, which you are doing. I'm like you to. More laid back. Lets do barbqs, etc.
I know it hurts to be told you are loved like a friend. I'm not even told that. I'm told I am cared about as a human being on this planet. So take some good comfort in that at least your W loves you like a friend. Thats a start and you can grow it from there.
I am a little surprised that she didn't even go through your daughters backpack though. My W never misses anything school wise with our kids. She just doesn't really spend time with them when they are at home.
Yes, all of our kids do deserve better. Your daughter won't turn out like her as long as you remain a positive influence in her life. I worry the same about my daughters being bought by their mom who makes significantly more especially if she remarries and doubles even that. But I can be the best positive role model for my girls and they will grow up knowing what is right. And you can be to. I have been told that fathers have quite the influence moreso than mothers of daughters as they get older if they handle them right.
Keep being there for your daughter and you will mold her how she needs to be.
Also, someones past shouldn't determine right from wrong decisions when it comes to now. Just my 2 cents on that. People have come from far worse backgrounds that turn out to be some of the greatest honest loyal people.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
You know a mans POV is lacking on my sitch & would be welcome
I'd love to drop over and help out where I can. I've read what you are going through and wonder if my perspective will help.
There is no doubt now that I got really down on myself career wise, confidence, self respect, I would look in the mirror, see my hair thinning and think I looked 60 years old (even though people say I don't look my age) because I resemble my dad and was seeing him in the mirror. I began to resent my wife and what I saw as totally selfish and a complete "taker" 100% of the time over the last couple of years. I will never be able to describe to someone who has not experienced it how low I felt. I was actually driving home one day and started thinking that if I died it would be okay because my life was a dead end. Knowing now what I know there is no doubt that I was in some form of depression. The only thing that kept me grounded in the world and got me out of those low points was my daughter and the good times we had as a family. That's probablly being way too open but this is a pretty ananomous place. Now you can understand how I can't really blame my wife for being unhappy. We were just going through the motions in lot of ways. Her taking off her wedding rings shocked me out of that. The thought of losing her woke me up. The thought of losing my daughter to two weekends a month put a fear in me that invoked me to fight. And sadly I owe my wife for shocking me and giving me my life back (a fun and exciting life). I am energized and looking toward the future, new job, working on education again, feel confident. Too bad it happened and I will regret my part for a long time. I understand it was not all my fault.
But even with as low as I got I never considered leaving my family. I can't give a perspective on someone that does that without making an effort. I can understand wanting out of a bad realtionship but to just up and walk away one day ...wow!
But I will offer my male perspective for what is is worth because I love the female perspective. I just might be better at understanding M3 than H.... Deal friend
Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing. But you said:
I was actually driving home one day and started thinking that if I died it would be okay because my life was a dead end.
So very strange - the other day I slipped up & told my H I missed him. He said, you don't miss me, nobody does, I could die & nobody would miss me. I told him that's not true.
Now, I see where my H might be coming from. thanx.
BTW - M3 is easy to figure out - he playing the field!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Yea, I had that thought more than once, also would sit back and think about if I died how many people would be at my funeral (didn't like the answer)
I didn't really see it at the time but looking back gives great insight. It's funny because I was very functionable. People I work with never noticed anything, I was very active in day to day stuff with daughter and even wife. It's just that the fun had gone out of everything. I kind of got caught up in doing things because they needed to be done and not really having a passion to do anything.
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
told my H I missed him. He said, you don't miss me, nobody does, I could die & nobody would miss me. I told him that's not true.
On the surface this could be him trying to get pity or attention? Or I will share... my wife would tell me she found me very attractive even with my impending hair loss (which unfortunatley has speeded up due to this stress ARGH!) She would say you are still going to be attractive but it would have no effect. It was like I jsut figured she was saying that because that's what spouses do. I looked in the mirror and saw someone that was getting older. There is a good chance he really feels that way. I know you really mean it because of our situations and conversations. However some how he needs to be convinced some other way. You could say it a hundred times right now and i am not sure he will believe it. You are probablly doing him greater help by letting him fix your brakes and lecture you on the filter being too tight.
I know that sounds odd. It reminds me of a palce where someone gets so deep in their self pity you want to slap them and say pull yourself up >>>>ever see the Incredibles? "You are Elastigirl!" I would have never thought I was there. at the time I would have laughed at someone if they told me I was suffering depression. My wife pulling off her rings was my "Elastigirl Momment". Now I look back and see it more clearly becasue I know all the details of my life and marriage. I think cases like your husband (who sounds like a decent human being) just go deeper. And honestly - I'm 46 and have an eight year old daughter. Having her kept me acting younger than I feel. In some ways having an eight year old has negativly impacted my marriage but having her may have kept me from going totally off the deep end...we'll never know but I have so much guilt now about what I did to my marriage, I can't imagin coming out of a total fog and looking back at the damage someof these people do No wonder the mind takes over and copes and protects them.
Honestly, one of the things in my situation that has helped is reconnecting with some old high school and college friends (female). Flirting around with them and them talking to me the same as they did 20 years ago (becasue they remember me from 20 years ago) has helped a lot. They are great and have been very supportive. The unfortunate side effect is that I now understand the rush that someone gets from this. I come home from work and go right to my computer to see if they emailed me and get excited when they have. I love the flirting.
I can understand the fullfillment of a need that this is and the rush of excitement. The difference is that when I was married I purposly stayed away from female contact. And I think if your are not careful in the frame of mind I was in the same comments from my spouse didn't have the same effect. I don't know if that's because you expect it from your spouse, whether over a marriage you hear it so often that you become less sensitive to it or you become too familiar and don't keep the romance in the marriage because you take it for granted.
Whoa ...another long post to you statement...rambling, rambling, rambling...raw hide!
Was invited over for dinner at the W (when do they become STBX - we are 6 months into the year long seperation requirement
Play by Play .......
W - Are you in town Moi - yea, just got back in W - have you eaten yet? Moi - No, not yet
ARE YOU READY?????
W - We are having speggetti and thought you might want to come over and eat with us and then maybe we could paint a little (the shed)
Okay, LOL!!~!!!!!
Didn't have the same effect as the last "dinner for work" meal deal. This time she put it in the invite. I am gaining a different perspective (or at least a different internal response) due to my female friends here. And I had already told her I was going to paint the shed so the dinner was special. We were also suppose to tell our daughter about the move to CO last night.
So not even the same situation but I thought you all would find it humorous.
Dinner was nice. It it dosen't come off a grill I can't cook for s&*& so any home cooked meal is a treat. It is always fun to sit and laugh with them. Played ball with her and wife came out sat on steps near us. We laughed a lot. Didn't tell daughter - we are both scared LOL! Same as telling her about the divorce, we put that off forever. I told my wife I wanted to tell her now though because I am not good at lying and this feels the same as lying. So we are going to tell her tonight.
Didn't talk about anything except good stuff. the feelings were wierd. she jsut seems so down, mad, frustrated...don't know what but hse doesn't seem happy. I know there are things that have to be stressing her out but she is not the same happy person. I wonder it that is me making it up in my mind, or is she only like that when I am around. Sad as it sounds if this move to CO will help her be happy then I really hope so. I know I will be happy in the future. I'm not even sure what I want any more but I know I will end up happy, maybe some regrets but happy. I ahte seeing her like this.
No wonder the mind takes over and copes and protects them.