On Friday night she was going to a frends house. I texted her from work and said that I was going to meet friends downtown. She texted back and asked "what friends?" I told her one of the names she knew... "and some friends." I went downtown and met them and had a couple of glasses of wine. We then met another frined of mine at his house and went to eat. While I was inthe bathroom, they ordered me another wine. The first friend asked me about what was happening. I told him and he took the wine away and in his Scottish brogue handed the glass to the bar maid and announced that "He's been cut off." Anyway, they invited me to a poker game, but i declined and went home.
She arrived home at 11:00 pm to find me on the couch downstairs watching television. She told me about her night and went to bed.
Yesterday morning, I didn't hug her. I was just cordial and I made coffee as she made brownies for a pot luck ater her daughter's volleyball tournament. We ended up sitting at the table and talked for an hour and a half. I told her about some of my revelations and thoughts I have been having. She had asked what I was doing down in the basement and I told her reading. "Reading what?" She asked. 'Books." "Internet books?" "No, book - books." "What books?" "Help me books." "When did you get those?" "This week." "Well... They must be good books, because I've noticed changes in you already... keep reading!" (Actually reading DB and DR) It was a really good talk. I tried to hold her hand, but she sheepishly declined saying that she wanted the hand-holding to be something special, like two hearts connecting... and she wasn't ready for that.
My son asked if I wanted to go to the gym, and I knew that we were going to W's daughter's volleyball tournament. I suppose I should start saying "Our daughter's volleyball tournament." So... I had to be back relatively soon. Before I left, she said, "Do you know what three things surprised me last night? 1.) You didn't text me all night. 2.) You were home early. 3.) You weren't drunk."
We wen't to the volleyball tournament and had fun. I told our daughter what a great job she did. The girls left with their dad for the remainder of the weekend. We went and got a bite to eat at a little Greek restaurant and sat outside by a firepit and ate. I said, "Well I guess we're on a date." She said, "Nope... I'm your wife." On the drive home, she said that she felt that she was just starting to date me again, and wondering to herself, "Will I like this guy? Will I not like this guy?"
When we got home, we put a log in our outside firepit on the patio and talked. We thanked each other for the day, and then she went on a soliloqy of all her feeling to date... the things she endured, the hurt feelings, her desires, etc. I sat and listened intently. That was a first! And she even told me that was a problem of mine... Talking over everyone. I could tell she was reflective and melancholy. She told me that there are twently windows to her soul and she had shut every one of them... but one little corner window, way up on the top row in the corner... she is peeking out of...
That's when she said something that caused my stomach to hurt again... She told me that she still feels the same. Still isn't in love. Still doesn't know that this will work. She said I still need to work on me. She said that a few months ago, I was facing a mountain and she was on the other side. She was there to hold my hand. But my inaction, and really pure meanness caused her to go away. She said, now you have to do this by yourself. She got tears in her eyes and said, "You know... No one has ever fought for me." And I as I write this, I am getting tears in my eyes... No, I'm crying. Good tears...
She told me she loved me, but she can't tell me she is in love with me because that would make her way too vulnerable. She has to protect herself... But I think it's there, under all of the bricks and mortar that she worked so diligently putting into place, sealing herself in... as I stood by, slowly, slowly, delberately handing her each and every brick.
Last night, before bed, she asked if a still had a tender heart for her. I asked what she meant. She said, "You know, do you still look at me from across the room and feel love for me like you used to?" I said that I do. She said, "Oh... well I must not have noticed, because I was trying to look away from you."
Today brings a whole other day. I hope it is as meaningful as yesterday.
