Our situations do seem similar. It's very hard to demonstrate the changes with the separation, but you're right; we have to make the changes for ourselves. If they take notice and it draws them towards us, that's awesome. But it can't be the motive.
I find it helpful to talk with FIL, but I know that anything I say will probably get back to H. FIL told H that I've never once said anything negative, and I've been very supportive of H's need for space. So, to answer your question, I guess by maintaining this line of communication in a pretty vague manner, it's getting back to H that I'm making changes and doing alright.
For your MIL, she probably is reporting back. But if you can view it as another way to communicate to H that you're being respectful of his need for space and loving him by doing that even though it's not what you want, then I'd keep it up.
