A new thread, a new outlook.....

[Can it work]

Good Morning PM and MsM

I'm glad you both approve of my plan for Sunday. I know I'm going to have to make the first move here somehow. If I left to my W and her stubborn streak, I think we'd probably stay in the current setup for a long time to come. Yes she may say no. That doesn't have to mean that she won't say yes another time. I'm not going to get hung up on her response this time. Hopefully she will say yes but even if she does that doesn't mean I'm going to be getting my hopes up too much. If at first you don't succeed.......

PM, I'm still taking the skin medication. Whether I've just cheered up on my own or my body is used to the medication, I'm not sure. Either way, I don't want to go back to the feelings I had near the start of taking it. There were some pretty low moments back then. And as MsM says, positive attracts positive.

I have to pick Wee Man up from my W tonight which I'm looking forward to. I have him tonight and tomorrow night which is excellent. My W has nights out planned on both nights but I'm even worrying less about that these days. What will be, will be. I got the impression from her when we talked on Tuesday that she's still not comfortable going out very much. She told me that she'd only been to the local night club twice since we split up. All I did was listen, say "Oh right." cheerfully and moved swiftly on. The fact is, I've been out way more than her. Not sure what kind of message that will be giving her but what I'm doing doesn't seem to be damaging our R in any way that I can see. She always did get on at me about not going out enough when we were together. At the time I thought it was so she would feel less guilty about going out fairly often. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe she just wanted someone who went out to enjoy life. Maybe I'll never know for sure.

It felt good not to have to come in early this morning for a 12 hour shift. I'll be able to catch up on some of my own work now too. The shifts I was doing over the last 3 days never really left much time to do my own work. So, it may turn out to be a fairly busy day.

I've not seen my IL's for a wee while and am honestly starting to miss them a bit. I'm thinking of asking my FIL past tomorrow to give me a hand putting up a swing in the back garden for Wee Man. I cut my grass for the first time this year on Wednesday night so it's looking nice and tidy again. Wee Man is at the stage now where he's really enjoying playing outside. I've been meaning to put the swing up for a while. I think this may be a good opportunity to spend some time with the IL's and achieve something at the same time.

Well, I guess I'd better go and catch up on some of this work that I've been talking about. Keep smiling everyone.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

You're doing so good Kev, I am jealous. You seem like you're back to your level-headed self and is progressing with GAL. I am sure your W is seeing this strong man again since everyone else can see it too. Everyone likes a confident, positive person.

[MsMelancoly]

I totally agree with PM. And asking your FIL for help is reinforcing that there is no hard feelings. Another good plan!

[Can it work]

Hello there again PM and MsM

I feel like I'm always thanking you for your ongoing support. I can't begin to express how much it actually means to me. I knew when I came in to a lesser used forum that I'd get less traffic and probably less posts. You both have been consistent though and for that I'm going to be eternally grateful. Yes, I'm discovering new ways to be myself every day now but I'm also finding a lot of my strength from the support I get right here.

Well, I just came back from my W's house after dropping off Wee Man. Oh, we also enjoyed a takeaway together! Strike another goal on the scorboard there. I must try my hardest now not to let it get to my head though. I actually texted my W this afternoon to tell her I felt like being naughty and could really go a pizza and she was more than welcome to join me if she wanted. Unfortunately, after her night out last night, her health wasn't too great so she politely thanked me but refused. Then when I went to drop Wee Man off she told me she was feeling much better so I let her know that the offer of the takeaway still stood if she wanted. After all, I was going to be getting myself one anyway (that was actually a little white lie I'm afraid. I was actually going to come home and cook myself a couple of fresh salmon fillets if she'd refused!). Well, we had the food, chatted a bit and afterwards I politely took my leave so she could enjoy her time with Wee Man since she'd obviously missed him over the last couple of days. Now that brings me here to this computer to share the good news.

Got to keep myself grounded though. I'm not going to try anything else for a while now. The hope is that next time she offers me a takeaway. It might happen? Got to play it cool though. There was absolutely nothing else in her manner tonight which would suggest it was anything other than a convenient way for her to get dinner. That's the realism of it. It is a good sign on the way to being able to build a friendship though.

Keep smiling folks. I will.

Kev

[davidswife]

Kev,

Just be prepared if she withdraws from you following your meal together. It seems to be classic WAW behavior, to withdraw after a very positive interaction.

So if it happens, don't let it get you down - it's just more WAW script.

Stacy

[Can it work]

Good Moring Stacy

I have read a lot of threads where this is the case indeed. To be honest, I was planning to take a step back myself after the meal last night. I really don't want to make it seem like I'm pursuing. That's why I've decided to go polite but brief with her again for a wee while. My DB Coach told me the theory of the firefly. When a firefly lights up in the dark you're drawn to its light. When there is light all around though, the firefly doesn't really attract much notice. This is why it pays to keep our spouses guessing and not be completely predictable. If I ask my W if she wants to have a meal with me every weekend it will definitely come across as pursuing. If I go a bit dark again now for a while it will make her wonder what the meal was about this one time and get her curious. When I used this method last time for simple things like conversation when I picked up Wee Man, it was no time at all until she was asking me questions about what I was up to and how I was getting on. In that sense it was almost as if she was the pursuer. It may not work the same this time but if it doesn't I'll just go right on and try something else. That's what DBing is all about after all.

Kev

[Can it work]

Well, I've just had a very pleasant surprise at lunch time. My W's Great Grandmother lives next door to me and my W just happened to pop past her for a visit when I was home at lunch. I was hanging out some waching and my W and FIL took Wee Man over to visit. It's a lovely day here so we played in the garden for a bit before they left. Everything was very pleasant to be honest. It's given me a nice pick up for the rest of the day I think. I'm still planning on keeping with the plan when I go to pick him up tomorrow evening though. Even if she offers me a cup of tea or something when I go past I'm going to politely refuse and say I have to get away. She might not offer me anything but I'm still going to keep it brief regardless. I'll not even bother sitting down as I normally would to have a chat.

Kev

[Can it work]

I woke up after a horrible dream this morning. I was at some kind of function which my W was at too and she pointed out her new BF when I was dancing with her. Anyway, long story short, I woke up feeling really quite down about the whole thing. I still don't know if at some point I am going to be confronted with a new man with her but my dream gave me an indication of how I'm going to react. Not good. Still, it was only a dream. After the initial disappointment wore off I started feeling pretty good about myself again.

I went to the gym again last night for the first time in ages. One thing I've been doing in the gym since I started there is trying to build up the amount I can run. I've never been a runner. Even when I was young and cycling non stop every day I still couldn't run. That's why I decided to start. I figured if I could see in improvement in my running, it would indicate a general increase in fitness. Well, I completely outdid myself last night with the distance I ran and I'm feeling it today! Ouch! Still, it all goes to help towards a new improved Kev. That's what the aim is after all.

Kev

[MsMelancoly]

Some dreams can be very unnerving - can't they. Good to hear you pulled yourself out of it.

So on my thread you said you were in a band & how your & your W's life changed after getting M & having wee man. I think those changes happen quite often. I think it's good to keep going out to club or pub or whatever, maybe a once a month deal. So you don't totally have to throw your old life away, because of getting M or having a child. But that's just me. The key is a happy medium.

[Can it work]

Hey MsM

Yeah our lives did change a lot. More so after the birth of Wee Man I suppose. We used to go out as a couple fairly often before my W was pregnant. After Wee Man came along though we stopped going out as a couple so often since one of us would usually stay home to look after him. I was always keen to get back in to going out as a couple but for some reason, when we did, we didn't get on as well any more. My W was convinced that we never got on when we went out together but that just isn't the case. Everyone used to be so jealous of us because we had such an excellent relationship when we were out together. Still, I tried to persevere with us going out together but in the end that was our downfall. She was getting too drunk and flirting too much and I couldn't accept her acting like that. Turns out she couldn't accept me not being able to accept that so she left.

If we were to get back together I think it's essential that we're able to socialise together once again. That's where I think building up this friendship may help. She needs to believe that she can enjoy spending time with me. I'm not even going to bother speculating why we suddenly didn't get on after she gave birth as that time is behind us now. The only way to go from here is onwards.

Kev