You'll never see me fall from grace

[Sugar and Spice]

I told my H a long time ago that him moving in with her would be a deal breaker and that isn't what I have the problem with. He isn't moving in with her, no matter where she lives.

My problem is how do I let my MIL know how much she has hurt me and pissed me off by making the offer to "THEM?" In the grand scheme of things, I don't really give a rats ass if she rents that house to her or not, its not my business and it just doesn't concern me. My issue is that she has seen what my kids and I have gone through with the A and the baby and the gambling and everything and knowing this, can still make that offer. I am stunned and betrayed and hurt and mad and etc...

Just so you all know I have made all of these feelings known to H and he understands where I'm coming from, but he just doesn't see it the same way as I do (wow...shocker!) because that is how his family operates. MIL allowed SIL and her 2 daughters to move in there when SIL was cheating on her last H with her current H and he ended up moving in there as well. Its not a healthy situation and I can honestly say that in the back of my mind I have sort of been waiting for something like this, but its so much fresher and painful when it actually happens. One of my friends IRL thinks that she just didn't think it through and its motivated more by $$ and scoring mommy points. I just don't give people that much credit anymore.

So what do I say? If I do it when I'm mad, she will shut down and be defensive, and the mad is to cover the hurt. I am ususally fairly articulate, but I'm having a hard time putting this one into words.

[kat727]

I have to admit it does sound as if she is motivated by money. At the same time I know how you feel regarding the betrayal by your MIL. My FMIL had a falling out last Easter and haven't spoken since. she would rather appease her wayward son than stand up to him and let her feelings be known.

She knew how hurt and angry I was and she just kept telling me "You'll never be able to trust him again". Probably true but not a call that I think she should have been trying to make. I say take a couple of days, calm down and then ask your MIL to have a chat. I would let her know that you understand this is her business but that her offer hurt you to the core.

Hugs, kat

[GoingForward]

Just so you all know I have made all of these feelings known to H and he understands where I'm coming from, but he just doesn't see it the same way as I do (wow...shocker!) because that is how his family operates.

So...he "understands" BUT isn't willing or just can't step back for a moment to think about how this is affecting his W and his M? This is how his family operates...so does that mean that YOU just need to accept this and that's that? Hmm...

What, if anything, would be the compromise here? What would you each be ok and happy with?

I had a feeling it was probably about the money, too. Let's be honest - can anyone really blame MIL in this economy? But the money isn't the issue here. We're talking about your feelings - that's what's important and what should be addressed. Kat gave you a good approach.

Personally, I think your MIL did think this through, but for her own reasons - financial ones. Family, loyalty, or whatever you want to call it, probably wasn't in there. I am sure she didn't do this to hurt you, but I can certainly understand why you would feel that way, and I'm sorry. It's been a long, hard road for you and the kids.

If you're going to talk to her about this, I would, as Kat suggested, explain that you understand this is her decision, and you respect that, but it deeply hurts you. Tell her why it hurts you, how it hurts you...but do it without placing blame or fault. Like...you wouldn't want to say, "You KNEW how much crap I went through...what the kids went through...and you're still going to help this person?" Not that that's what you would say, but I think you get what I mean. No guilt trips. The point is to have yourself be heard and hopefully understood. Maybe MIL will rethink it and apologize, maybe she won't. That part is out of your control and something you will really have to work at accepting. I know you said you have, and I believe you. I just know that for myself, a lot of times I'm pretty confident about some things and I'll say this or that doesn't bother me or that I don't care if xyz happens, but the truth deep down is...I do care.

(((((Corey)))))

[Sugar and Spice]

That part is out of your control and something you will really have to work at accepting. I know you said you have, and I believe you. I just know that for myself, a lot of times I'm pretty confident about some things and I'll say this or that doesn't bother me or that I don't care if xyz happens, but the truth deep down is...I do care.

You know me too well. Of course I care, but I also recognize that I can't control what she does or thinks or says. It just really sucks and I will have to choose my words carefully in order to get my point across without entering into the guilt trip arena or just unleashing on her. Neither of which will be productive. I'm just at a loss. I don't know a lot, but I know myself well enough to know if it was my son in this situation, that would not ever have entered my mind. Hey honey, can I offer you and your home-wrecking whore a place to live, even though you are still married to my DIL? Thats just not who I am, especially now.

[bluerain]

oh god, I had no idea that this was a place intended for BOTH of them to live! I just thought she was just trying to set the mother of his child up with a place to live! This is absolutely not OK!

[vickyd]

Hi Sugar,

I pray that she doesn't get this place to rent to be honest. Too close for comfort I believe. You are working on reconciling with your H and the further away she is the better. The child is already there and that prevents NC but having her at his mom's plac seems like it would have her closer to your H's family. Just my opinion though.

I'm praying that your R works out. Would make for a great story.

[whatdidido]

I would say something to your MIL like what vickyd just said. How you believe it is too close for comfort. That you are working on reconciling and the further away the better. The fact that there is a child doesn't allow you to have no contact, but having them live in that house just amplifies the contact, and puts her more into the family which is what you are trying to stop.

I'm sorry that you even have to deal with this. The hardest thing for me to deal with is people that just don't reason well. You can talk and explain all day long, and you know it will never sink in. If that is the case with her, go through your H. Remember, he should be doing everything for you to repair this marriage right now. His OW should NOT be living in that house. The fact the MIL even offered IS awful, you need to tell her your feelings, but you may have to be ok with ONLY telling her your feelings without an understanding on her part.

Hugs.

[Sugar and Spice]

Well its not really going to matter that much in the end anyway. I have suspected and now have it confirmed that H is still talking to OW (not just about the baby) and so after my IC appointment today I will need to just let go. Its very sad to me and I wish things didn't end up this way, but I'm just not going to be second best anymore. I will also be sending a short email to my MIL expressing the following:

I have waited to do this until my feelings were a little clearer to me, but that hasn't happened yet and I fear if I wait too long I just won't send this. I'm not sure what to say or even how to say this, but I need you to know how this makes me feel. I am incredibly hurt and saddened by your offer to let Paul and Ofelia rent your house. I wish I could put into words how this whole thing has made me feel, but I don't even understand. Considering how close we are/were and what I considered to be out "mother/daugher" relationship, this feels like a complete betrayal. I just wanted to be honest because I don't really know what else to say. Maybe you can help me "get it" or I'll come to grips with it whenever I come to grips with it.

Thanks for all the support guys.
C

[MichelleLT]

Wow.

Talk about a punch to the gut.

(((S^2)))

Pretty good use of "I" statements. Still a lot that she can get defensive to though. I really don't know how to improve it though, not the best for advice today.

Hang in there!

[GoingForward]

Corey, although I am not surprised, I am very sorry for what you continue to go through. You really don't deserve this. Your H is incapable of maintaining a fulfilling, loyal R with you.

And I agree that there is a lot there for MIL to possibly get defensive about. Did you send the email already?

Hang on to YOURSELF.

(((((Corey)))))