I want everyone to realize that just because I come back to post often in this thread doesn't mean that I am not listening to your advice. I am doing a lot of self introspection and in doing so am working on me. Which is all about DB, right?
I just had the most enlightening discussion with my 14 year old daughter. She is wise beyond her years and her just listening helps me ramble through the crap that is jumbled in my brain and allows me an outlet. Going to write this down so that I can remember it at times when I am struggling.
I have come to a point where I understand how my H feels. I was in a relationship with my oldest daughter's father and I left him because I felt totally invalidated. He wasn't interested in going to counseling or working on the things I perceived as being wrong in our relationship. The day I left he did something that was so not like him. He went outside and blew bubbles with the kids. This only caused me to be furious because I felt it was too little too late and I was right. He fell back into his same behavior and never changed, but then I realize now that I didn't either.
The weekend before my husband left we were talking and I finally figured out that maybe this whole time that he was trying to change and failing that I needed to change as well. I told him that I wanted to change. This shook him to the very core and you could see him struggling in his mind over this. He even went so far as to tell me that I had thrown something out there that he never contemplated. That maybe it was me that needed to change. The next day however, I was right back to my nagging. Telling him how he should feel and how I was right and what he felt was wrong. Not exactly changing my behavior was I? This cemented in his mind that he had to go. Me pleading, begging, and crying further cemented this. It was all about how he was making me feel. How he was hurting the kids. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt. This pushed him even further out the door. The times I have put my feelings aside and validated his. The times that I have looked outside of myself to see his hurt have all been the times that he has opened himself up a bit and left me confused. His very words have been, "I know I don't want to be with you right now." are a testament to this. I continued to prove to him that I haven't changed. I haven't listened to him tell me he needed space and to be away from me. I've tried to push my agenda on him and prove that I love him. All in the wrong ways. Typical me! I'm still having a difficult time believing that me detaching and not pursuing is what I need to do to make this relationship have any sort of possibility, but it is what I need to do to change and give him what he needs. The old adage about letting something go and if it's meant to be is true, but with a caveat. You have to let it go because it's the right thing to do for them and in order to love them you have to be able to be altruistic. It's going to hurt like hell and will bring you to your knees, but this selfless love is necessary if you ever want to be the person you are supposed to be and make the changes necessary in yourself.
I have to be honest and say I am so scared that I am going to change and it won't matter to him and my relationship with him will be over, but the truth of the matter is I need to change regardless of what it does in this relationship. I need to change to be that better me that will attract the right relationships in my life whatever they may be.
I am sad that it took the love of my life leaving me for me to finally understand so much about myself and my roles in all of my relationships in the past, but it is a necessary hurt and I thank him for having the strength to walk away. What he did was not easy even though I have told him over and over that he took the easy way out. Putting up with hurt for a very long time and not feeling that you have the right to hurt and finally being able to take a stand and realize that you deserve better is not easy. It has totally given me a new respect for my husband. I wish him nothing but happiness. He deserves it and I hope he finds it whatever it may be.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Validating their feelings is not the same as agreeing with them. I have compassion for my wife, and I understand that she felt like she had to leave. I still don't agree with it, but I understand it. I try to see it from her point of view. Yes, it's a shame that things have to get this bad before we realize that we have been messing up so badly.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
First, good for you on working on improving your health. Last time I was through here I started exercising and watching what I ate and droped an amazing amount of weight, and felt much better health wise and emotionally. The exercise will have the additional effect of releasing endophins which will help you battle the depression and sorrow that comes with your sitch.
Originally Posted By: goingtofixME
Reading books is having the opposite effect on me. It doesn't calm me down. I end up thoroughly upset at the fact that I have been doing things so wrong as has he.
Do you have DB or DR yet? these are the books you need to read. Yes, there is a lot in there that is hard, knowing what is and could be happening, getting an understanding of what went wrong. But you cant improve until you know what to improve. And dont worry about his mistakes - right now you are the one working on things, so you must do the work. Perhaps, if it is meant to be, eventually H will be pulled back in and together you can work, but until then, work on you.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
I have DR and have read it. I still have lots of questions. Last night I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. My h downloaded it like I said a while ago. So obviously our ability to communicate with each other has been amiss for quite some time. The thing is that at the time I felt like it was all his fault so I didn't really pay attention and he stopped trying. Lesson learned for sure.
In looking back at a conversation we had the other day, I would like some feedback please. He said he has never finished anything and he wanted to finish this. I had told him previously while in one of our R talks that he has never finished anything in his life. He always walked away. To me it means that he feels he needs to get his diploma (done), get a job and be self sufficient (he's working on it), and become responsible for himself (still being supported by his daddy for the moment, but it will have to soon stop as his dad doesn't have much more left to give). It feels to me as if he is wanting to become someone he can be proud of. He doesn't want me to be the one making his way anymore. Am I reading this sitch right?
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
It has been since the day I went and dropped the mail off after getting my hair done (Wednesday) that I have seen and talked to my H. This is part of my 180. I am giving him his space and not contacting him. I plan on taking his mail to him either tonight or in the morning and leaving it in the truck beside the gym so I do not have to see him. He received a bank statement. A shock to me as I wasn't expecting him to use our address to get anything and had no idea he had gone and set up his own account. I'm not mad, just hurt. When we talked about my account and how I was going to have to close it out completely and open another he seemed distressed and wanted to know why I couldn't just make him inactive as I did on our insurance. I had to tell him it doesn't work that way. I had also discussed how I was going to have to change my name and all my accounts and how I was proud to be his wife and that this was so difficult. He appears to want me to keep everything as it is for the time being. I don't know what this means. I wrote in another post how I had begged and pleaded with him to take away my hope and just tell me he wanted a divorce and he said he couldn't. Is all of this being done because he felt like he was a failure and that he couldn't live up to his promises to me unless he got away from me and HAD to do them? He says he feels awkward being happy around me, but that he is really happy, but why when I look in his eyes does the happiness not reach his eyes? I told him how proud I am of his getting his diploma and GED and told him he should be so proud of himself. He says he is but that he doesn't want to sound so happy around me. The weird thing is that in our relationship all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. His being depressed and morose was always something that upset me. Why would he think that now I would want him miserable? I said something really awful to him when he was leaving. The momma bear came out in me at the thought of him just walking out on my kids and how miserable and hurt they were going to be. I've been witness to it before. I told him that I hoped he had nightmares for the rest of his life about the pain he caused them. It is probably the meanest thing other than telling him I hated him I have ever said. I know I can't take these back and obviously they are things he still thinks about and uses to fuel his separation from me, and I am sorry that I said them. I was so hurt and in such pain. I wanted him to feel a little bit of it too. Makes me catty. I am not proud of those moments. I have ordered more books to help me.
I am trying to work on 180's and have a question in regard to. Are 180's things we do that won't even be seen by our ex? Such as, a 180 for me would be to do more for myself (difficult due to my illness, but is something that he became resentful about). Here is a list of 180's, tell me what you think
1. Do more for myself 2. No contact 3. Actively listen and do not defend myself 4. Validate his feelings and do not defend myself 5. Do not talk about the R or fixing things 6. Get more physically active (he had stated that his type is someone more physically active, although I've never really been that. He's mentioned in past conversations prior to the split that he wishes I would go wrestle with him at the gym.)
I told him in the past that I wanted to be his friend. He told a friend of mine that he didn't think that was possible because I would always be pushing him about our relationship.
I just feel like I am spinning my wheels. I get all mired up reading relationship stuff, feeling sorry for myself, and not doing anything. I've worked through a lot of things in my head. It's the physical stuff I am procrastinating about. I go see my counselor on Tuesday.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
your list is very good, stick to it. Do not underestimate the value and importance of listening and validating! For me this was definitely one of the keys. Both in saving my M my first time through here, and in our continued happyness after. Forgetting this is a part of what has brought me back.
I know that the limbo in between seems like forever, but this is a long, slow process. Give yourself time to strengthen and keep focusing on yourself for now. If H comes around, then you can focus on him.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
The trick xalelle is being able to listen and validate. I'm not sure that he will contact me if I don't contact him first. I stopped at the gym and put his mail in the box in the truck. His truck was there, but that doesn't guarantee that he was there. I have no idea if he even knows that the mail is there or if he will look. Wondering if I should send him a brief email telling him that it's there? I'm trying to not initiate any contact, but I am so scared that he won't attempt himself. I hate this being in limbo feeling and I don't see how so many others do this for weeks, months, and even years. I know deep in my heart that we can beat this. I have never wanted to work on myself so much in my life. I still wonder if part of the reason he is doing this is to prove to himself that he can take care of himself. Not sure what that means in regard to me. Also, do not know if it isn't to prove it to someone else. I ended up accepting his shortcomings and nagged and became his mom. Never wanting that role, but how do you make someone want to do things? I'm learning that being encouraging and doing things with him would have gone a long way. Why is it so hard to get him to see that I get it now? I know it's going to take time. I just fear that he will decide that this is not the life he wants. I know I can live without him, but I prefer to have him in my life.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I am having the hardest time doing this. My H left me and one thing he said was that I was not interested in him. I didn't want to do things that he was interested in and I didn't act interested in him. I do not know if I am supposed to distance myself from him or just try to be his friend and not talk about the relationship. The one night I did really listen he opened up to me and hugged me close twice. I want to feel that again, but I am scared that me not contacting him is giving him the idea that I don't need him. He admits that he wants to be someone's Knight in Shining armor. Me showing that I am independent and moving on and not contacting him doesn't feel right. HELP ME PLEASE!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
He might not contact you...for right now. Don't contact him. If he needs space and time, and you love him, then give him what he asks for. Take a different attitude about it...honor and cherich and respect him by giving him the space and time that he asks for! Do it out of your love for him. He's gonna have to change his mind himself...you can NOT change his mind. He's gonna have to change his feelings himself...you can NOT make somebody feel something they don't right now. We know it's hard...but it's what we have to do. Not knowing and being in limbo is hard...but it's where we are right now, and we simply have to do our best. This will take time...it will take longer than you want it to. I know that you want it resolved right now...ain't gonna happen. It took time to get to this point...and it's gonna take some time to turn it around.. Work on yourself and learn...and keep doing it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
