If you are committed to xBF, then you need to be ok w/waiting for him. Remember, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers knew it well when they sang "the waiting is the hardest part." They knew what they were talking about.
It is about patience and while both men have their needs in a completely different way, you are in a place where thinking about the waiting will drive you crazy. Impatience is a very bad thing.
I know from experience that being impatient can consume a person. I've been fighting it myself for the past two years now. I wanted immediate positive steps from my XW, I wanted to see immediate changes in me w/my C, I wanted immediate results from the divorce process, and I wanted to know if I was on or off the "A-list" immediately when I first started dating again.
All of it comes across as being needy as well. But, think about it - WE ARE NEEDY! We've been left behind and forced to find out the answer to WTF? It creates lonliness, doubt, and a NEED to be wanted and valued again.
That doesn't make it right or healthy, but it is true for us all.
I heard a quote today that I really liked:
Quote:
"Don't ask for things to get easier. Ask for you to get better."
I really like it and I think we all can relate to it as we all want things to get easier for each and every one of us. The truth is, it won't get easier for any of us. No, instead the road is much bumpier than we'd like to admit.
Therefore, I think we'd be on to something if we turned our focus away from things getting easier and instead continued to focus on our own improvement.
DBing is supposed to be about making a better you, but I know I've personally forgotten that aspect many, many times before. I need to be better at focusing on "getting better" b/c I know things won't be getting any easier for me any time soon.
Just my opinion, so take what works and chuck out the rest, Princess!
Thanks Kat for the compliments..I'm not so sure I am wonderful! But I'll go with funny ;-)
Rob.. thanks mate ! As us Brits say. I dont know, I've done so much work on myself and reading.. I've helped me and others too. Cher emailed to thank me today for my help and good advice the past few weeks (months?) her and fiance G seemed to have turned a corner, whereas her instinct had been to bail and dump him. I taught her patience, lol. I've been so patient though, its nearly 2 years. I hear you though.
I worked tonight at the curry house...the fist place we went out here, when we came for my interview for college. We stayed the weekend to look around and went there for a meal and I remember how pleased and smug we felt, so far from home, making the dream come true to move to Cornwall, that many Brits would like to do. He was always so supportve, he came to all my open days with me. Anyway, nice memories..
I've gone a bit downhill.. its always hard on me, having contact with him.. and then.. nothing. I had a glut of contact, with texts, phonecalls and 3 evenings with him.. then.. no reply to my text yesterday.
To be honest, I dont want to 'db' anymore, or work on myself or go to IC anymore (ended now after 15 months) or GAL.. I just want to be in a relationship again and warm my feet on my love as I snuggle up in bed and read books at night. Not much to ask hey. I miss my old life. I miss being in a relationship!
Thanks MrsM.. no, I'd love a dog though !!! My dream since I was 7.
So here are the days general stars for everyone, from the excellent Micheal Lutin:
Saturday 18 april
Venus at zero degrees aries starting over starting new new contacts with women love at first sight you need to know, however, that this venus squares pluto so there's no such thing as starting over when you have history you have history and unless you are hip history will be repeated this is a chance to start fresh but you know there are complications that lurk below the surface previous commitments unfinished relationships and all sorts of little goodies that will make it interesting and keep the game competitive but it is a brand new day like the song says JUST LIKE starting over
Well.. I hadnt heard from him since his text Thursday.. so I cracked and sent him one tonight at 6pm and we have texted a bit back and forth since. The good news is, he told me he is STILL back in our hometown and spent the day shopping for a new TV for his Mum with her (so meant it when he said he wanted to spend quality time with his Mum and help her out, so thats a good sign) and that tonight, he is with oldest BMF.
So more reconnecting with whats important to him, which he hasnt since he got together with Helen. I called BMF W this morning, but she was out, but BMF chatted to me instead, I didnt mention the ex and nor did he... but BMF does love me and this is the first time we have chatted on the phone for about a year! So that was good timing, seeing as he is with my ex tonight.
Of course the best news is.. he didnt return to Cornwall this weekend to see Helen, so it must be off, or soon will be. He rang in sick for much of the week before, so he wont have seen her for nearly 2 weeks by the time he returns to work Monday. I dont know how much longer he has left in her office (days?) unless his contract already ended at Easter. I wonder what conclusions he has drawn, guess I will soon find out! Well, at least we have been texting one another all week, apart from nothing on Friday. But I could tell from MFs FB page that they were out on the town Friday night too.. so he really has seemed to woken up to his old friends he had moved away from(particularly since August and Helen era). Amazing.
Woohoo.. and heres his weekly stars (Leo) from tommorow...
20th April 2009 - 26th April 2009
You are beginning one of the more ambitious phases of the year and a time when events have far-reaching implications. So, avoid acting in haste and wait for others to reveal what they have up their sleeves before you declare your intentions. Ideally, you would be the one to shed a commitment but if someone else makes the decision for you, see it as a plus. An affair of the heart could be dominating your thoughts too, perhaps because you are considering getting back with an ex: if so, remember that love the second time around is a little sweeter.
.. my feeling was, he is acting in a way to make it obvious to her its over and clearly avoiding her, hoping she will end it perhaps, so she will feel it was her decision, or avoid hurting her and making it awkward at work. OR.. of course, it could be the opposite, question is.. which ex will he reconnect with this week? I have to confess, I'm not feeling at all confident, not after his reply to BMF W on Monday, when she said why not give Al a 2nd chance if you love her was, "I dont know, I dont know".
I'm glad you understand I was just mentioning the big picture to you in my last post as I know you've been patient. God knows, it takes all we can do to keep sane as well as patient in these situations.
The harder part is to keep ourselves busy enough to not allow us to have any time to think about it at all. That has been difficult for me, at least.
Yes thanks Rob.. but I feel things are coming to a head now, I feel it instinctively.. after all, we cant go on like this for years, things will go one way or another soon.. but also, from everything I'm reading, we are reaching a point of conclusion soon (not yet!). He must be reaching a decision in himself.
Still not feeling too confident, not at all.. he texted a bit last night, but pretty neutral (no 'me' on the end), at least he replied hey (the last at 10pm). But they were both quite short.
The Piscean has been texting me this week too and I have replied in a neutral way and I guess kept the option there, as I wanted the chance to have another conversation with him about the past, seeing as all my assumptions about it seemed to have been wrong and I was stunned by how he saw it last week.
But I dont want to give him the wrong impresion, or encourage him at the same time, today, I deliberately replied with only Al again, leaving off a kiss...He picked up on it and said quite plainly "no kiss on the end of your text, I hope you're alright with me!"...my god, I have turned into my ex, keeping someone ELSE in limbo. This has given me massive insight into my WAS, but the puzzling thing is, it feels AWFUL to be in this position, to know for sure that someone is right there, waiting for you to give them that chance, that they love you and are thinking of you.. to do that to them makes me feel bad and awkward every time I get a message from him and have to reply.
I dont feel 100% that I want to tell him there is no chance, I admit to being intrigued and not yet wanting to burn my bridges.. but I replied honestly, I am ok with you, but I am still in contact with my ex..
and yet, I feel so responsible for potentially causing him hurt and unhappiness, even after barely any contact for 12 years, so its not really like he is losing anything (except the dream).. that tehre is NO WAY I could keep this up for long... a matter of weeks and then I would have to make a decision, or be more clear. There is no way I could keep him dangling for 18 MONTHS as my ex has done.. take me out for dinner, drinks, phone, text, email, hugs, presents.. ok, he has been very careful and never said to me how he feels, or about his doubts (only to friends and then still is holding back I suspect).. but we had 8/9 years living together before he put me throygh this, so its even more acute, the loss, the waiting and his actions have been way more than one visit and a handful of texts between me and the Piscean. I dont know how my ex has done it. One week of being in his position has not made me feel good about myself, I cant imagine how awful and stressful it has been for him, or how he's been able to keep it up for so long !!
Unless the two sitchs are not comparable and he has stronger feelings for me, and more inclined to come back than I have for the Piscean. But its strange to be suddenly thrust into the other persons shoes.
Reaslistically, I feel he is not making much sign that he is choosing me and I am now trying to prepare myself for the worst. I havent yet faced that I am heartbroken, because he helped me to keep the hope alive. Despite saying he loves me, I'm not getting a strong vibe he wants to get back into an R with me.
Hey MrsM! No.. not that he got too close, maybe the Piscean moved too fast and the effect is it seems all about HIM, HIS emotions, HIS needs, what HE wants NOW.. which is pretty much why I left him in the first place (he has a me-me-me Aries Moon, figures!) so maybe he has mellowed, but he hasnt changed..? My current ex never really broke off contact, only for 6 weeks twice (once when he first moved out and second when he first dated Helen).. and both times I assume he did so out of guilt?
so I knew it.. Venus is about to conjunct Mars (exact Tuesday/ Wednesday?) and square Pluto.. some people this week will be permanently severed! See Elsa Elsa and I was saying I would need to decide and speak to the Piscean..he wants to phone me...well this is our chance, after 19 years, to fall back in love, but the timing is wrong, or maybe I just dont want it enough. How is my current ex feeling, who will he sever?? Me or Helen, or both?! He like the blogger.. has planets (Venus/Pluto) in the early degrees of a cardinal sign, Libra.. so this Venus/Mars squared to Pluto this week is therefore opposite his own Venus/Pluto.
"By the time Venus gets back into Aries, Mars will already be there...squaring Pluto to boot so what we're going to see is amputations aplenty. The cuts will be swift and they will be permanent.
Aries rules the head, people and when someone cuts yours off it's not something you can put back on so for Godsakes tread carefully and if you do decide to taunt a bear, prepare to be shredded if not completely disemboweled.
Is it really that bad, Elsa? Venus conjunct Mars in Aries square Pluto? Hell yes it's that bad and FAST which was my point.
The upside here is there will be no delays of any kind and I always figure if the thing is going to end, I see no need to diddle daddle."
